Mental Health at Work - the Case of 'Anti-Mattering'

I was early for my train back from London the other day, and while I was sitting there, the cleaner came through the carriage. As she approached, I looked up, smiled, and said, "Good morning – thank you for cleaning the carriage for us." I was shocked by her response.

She almost dropped her bag, turned to me with wide eyes, and said, "You spoke to me." I was puzzled and replied, "Yes, I just said good morning and thank you." She went on to tell me that she’d been working there for over three years, and I was the first passenger who had ever greeted her or thanked her for her work. Quite frankly, I was gobsmacked.

How could she feel so invisible at work for so long and still manage to wear the smile I saw on her face? How is it that we, as people, so often fail to notice and appreciate those around us who are providing a service or simply sharing our space?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had the privilege of working in the mental health field across various industries, and the more people I meet, the more I hear about this sense of invisibility and being overlooked. It’s no surprise that comments like "I feel empty at work" or "I’m starting to resent my manager" or "The stress is getting too much" are becoming increasingly common. People seem to be noticed primarily for their productivity or outcomes, often accompanied by ‘performance development’ feedback.

The statistics surrounding disengagement, workplace stress, and feelings of unimportance are alarmingly high. The term "anti-mattering" captures how this sense of invisibility can drain someone’s energy and self-worth and contribute to unhealthy stress. Our hybrid or work-from-home model impacts our daily interactions, contacts, and connections and complicates how workers need to consider and navigate these needs. We know that feeling valued for our presence, dedication, and contributions is a fundamental human need.

I want to challenge you to join me in taking action, in line with the theme for World Mental Health Day on the 10th of October – Mental Health at Work – to truly notice those around you in the workplace. Acknowledge that they are seen, that their presence matters, and that their efforts are appreciated. A simple smile, a "hello," or a "thank you" can change someone's day, showing them that they are valued. If we all make this small effort, we can create a culture of inclusion and human connection, where every worker – whether colleague or stranger – feels part of something meaningful and valued.

Our life of contrasts...

The cold and the sun. Two seemingly contrasting states and yet, on a day like today, they work in perfect harmony. Just got back from a walk to the gym in the crisp cold air with the warm sun on my back and it was really glorious. It made me think about how many of life's contrasts work really well together - like that salty and sweet popcorn!

I'm often told that my husband and I are 'complete opposites' and I happen to agree in terms of personality, thinking and social style but our relationship works so well because we share the same values and purpose. That common ground. Often opposite demands, needs, and expectations can be managed really well if they are approached with the right attitude and mindset.

I was reading the post on linkedin from @Mind this morning for #menshealthmonth and thought about how so many men face this contrasting challenge in life. They have societal expectations to be strong and capable and yet they are also encouraged to show vulnerability and ask for help.

As our mental health conversations progress and more and more of us are taking up the call to educate, inform, promote, and support - it's good to know that these contrasts are being spoken about. Working together we can normalise these expectations and behaviours in the same way that sweet and sour sauce works together and is, well - delicious!

Glad to be part of the conversation.

Monday thoughts: Embracing mental health awareness, confronting fears and being vulnerable

Mondays often symbolise new beginnings and fresh starts, making it an opportunity to reflect on important aspects of our lives. Today, I want to look into the realm of mental health awareness, fears and vulnerability.

In a world that frequently encourages us to wear masks of strength and invincibility, it is crucial to acknowledge and prioritise our mental well-being. Mental health awareness demands compassion, understanding and open dialogue. By normalising conversations surrounding mental health, we can break the stigma associated with it, creating a supportive environment for those who are struggling.

Addressing fears is an integral part of our personal growth. We all have fears that can sometimes paralyse us, preventing us from reaching our full potential. The ‘what’ if someone sees the real me and doesn’t want to know me anymore?

By acknowledging and facing our fears head-on, we can transform them into catalysts for positive change. It is important to remember that fear is a natural part of being human and it is through embracing it that we can find courage and strength. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but in reality, it is a testament to our authenticity and self awareness. It takes immense strength to let down our guard and expose our true selves. By embracing vulnerability, we open ourselves up to closer connections, empathy and growth. Sharing our struggles and triumphs not only nurtures our own mental well-being but also encourages others to do the same.

On this Monday, let's make a commitment to prioritise mental health awareness, confront our fears and embrace vulnerability. Reach out to loved ones, engage in self-reflection and practice self-care.

Let us create a world where mental health is valued and where individuals are empowered to be their authentic selves, free from judgment and shame.

Remember, our collective well-being begins with each one of us. Together, we can build a society that cherishes mental health, compassion and the celebration of vulnerability.

It’s a scary place to go to but with the support of our loved ones, it is possible. It is also vital that our workplaces follow suit.

To enable and create a more inclusive, empathic and supporting workplace, training is needed.

We are here to help.

The photo is from my front garden. Plants make me happy.

Family, connection and food

We talk a lot about connection and the importance of feeling part of a shared space – and today, I wanted to talk about meal times.

We live in a world of instant gratification, of constant distraction and busyness.  So what happens in your home around meal times?  Are there shared spaces and connections made whilst eating a meal – or is meal time seen as a time to be tolerated and endured to simpy get through?

Meal times present and opportunity for you and your family!

Numerous studies have been done that show how sharing meals is integral to how your family functions and that it can aid closer relationships and build social and emotional skills for you and your child (ren).

Some positives that are encouraged when you sit down at eat together as a family include:

·       Promoting a safe, secure space for your children that enourages attachment

·       An opportunity for you to role model good behaviour and eating habits and pass these onto your child (ren)

·       A great space to practice social interaction, chatting and conversation and in particular, that all impoartant skill of how to listen to each other in a supportive way

·       Conflict resolution, patience and tolerance will also be needed at meal times and give your child (ren) a change to learn how to adjust, adapt and compromise

·       A huge positive for everyone is that eating together and bonding over food reduces stress levels and releases the feel good chemicals such as dopamine and endorphins.

If you don’t normally eat together, try to implement times when you do eat together as a family.  Start small with breakfast or lunch and build up to eating together as a family whenever possible.    Remember it takes 21 days to form a new habit and 90 days for it to become a regular part of your lifestyle, so stick with a new ‘regime’ and build it up slowly into a habit and then a lifestyle.  (the 21:90 rule!)

If you have teens (or pre-teens) give them ample warning about when dinner is.  Set a time and stick to it.  Institute a ‘rule’ that anytime after (say 5pm) if they are going onto an online game or race or activity that they can’t leave, they need to check with you first if they’ll be able to do this before dinner.  Dinner together needs to be seen as a priority for your family and one that you all participate in.

Make it fun – allow kids to have a say in the menu; to cook some of the meal themselves; mix it up a bit at times (have breakfast for dinner one day!) and swap seats.  Use mealtime to talk about your day e.g. ‘what is your highlight of your day’ and then ‘what is one question you didn’t get answered today’ and ‘tell us something new that happened today or tell us a joke’.  If you run out of ideas, learn a new word from the dictionary every day or put ideas into a hat and pull out a series of questions that you’ve gathered from the internet! Teach those social skills!

Installing the habit of eating and forming connections over food is an essential component of wellbeing and you can start this today!

Enjoy!

Written by Jenni Cole

What's going on in Europe?

Spring is here. Lighter days and nature is waking up properly. I love all seasons but spring is extra special in my world. The birds are singing and the various flowers are showing. Such a beautiful time of the year normally.

One thing weighing on my mind is, like for most of us, the war in Ukraine. I am Swedish and my whole family still lives there. It’s close to Russia in many ways and there have been threats made by Putin towards Sweden. I do not trust him at all. He is a loose cannon and unpredictable. It’s a worry for everyone in Europe.

How do we cope with this and the anxiety that comes with it? What do we do and how can we help others?

There are the practical ways of giving money and supplies to charities and organisations that support Ukraine. You can also offer a home to refugees. Here are a few of the charities:

https://www.unicef.org.uk/donate/donate-now-to-protect-children-in-ukraine

https://donate.redcross.org.uk/appeal/ukraine-crisis-appeal

https://www.support-savethechildren.org/

The tricky part is how we manage in our own minds. The 'what is in our control' versus 'what is outside of our control' comes to mind. When we are able to differentiate between those two and compartmentalise the fears, we can also live in a more relaxed way despite what is going on. In many ways it's similar to how we managed to live with Covid and the fears around that. 

So, work out what you need to do to help yourself.
For me it's:
- avoiding the news at night
- exercising regularly, even if it's just a 20 min walk
- sleeping as well as I possibly can
- eating healthily as much as possible, not all the time by any means. I do enjoy good food and drink...
- seeing family and friends and being grateful I have them
- appreciating the small things like flowers and nature in general

It might sound like mumbo jumbo but it definitely helps me.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones. 

Finally waking up?

The last few weeks have been a stark reminder to women’s vulnerability to violence. With Sarah Everards disappearance and murder, a lot of emotions have been voiced and shown all over the media. So many women sharing their stories and fears.

This has affected me too and the more I think about it, the more I remember incidents that have happened to me since my teens. At the time they were upsetting and a couple of times police were involved due to the seriousness of it. However, most have just been just that, incidents, that I accepted as part of life’s experiences.

As a mother of 2, now adult women, I notice a difference in their response to their incidents of which there have been many. They do not accept things in the way that I did. They discuss it with friends and voice their feelings to who ever will listen. The injustice and outrage is loud and clear.

Has it helped and stopped more abuse? Do their voices make a difference?

I hope so. This has to stop and it has to start at home. Parents and schools need to teach both boys and girls about boundaries, respect and consent. What sex is about and what is real, which is not porn. This seems to be the main way a lot of young boys learn about sex and then think it’s OK to treat girls the same way.

I have listened and read what a young woman, Soma Sara, has been voicing on Instagram and a website, https://www.everyonesinvited.uk/

On there, young women have written testimonials of their experiences at various schools and other places. Sexual abuse, shaming, demeaning and belittling behaviour that no girl should ever have to endure.

What will it take for us as a society to wake up and really face this, very real, problem? Because it doesn’t stop after school is done, this continues into the pubs, bars and offices.

Leaders need to call it out whenever micro aggressions like insults, snubs, derogatory comments and other things like interrupting a woman in a meeting happens. Did you know that 80% of interruptions in a meeting are done by a man to a woman? Speak up in her defence and notice what is going on.

Men and boys need to challenge their ‘mates’ behaviour and not join in the silence when they see behaviours from family or friends that is inappropriate or makes women feel uncomfortable. They have to take a stand and speak out and not allow this behaviour to go unnoticed or unchecked. Model the right behaviour dads - to your sons and for your daughters. And mothers - speak out and stand up for your daughters and teach your sons to respect women.

Change is needed and we can all make a difference.

Watch out for our young people!

This pandemic has affected all of us in one way or the other. Some are worse off, some are coping well. There are different reactions and coping behaviours all around.

As an adult, having lived for 50+ years, I feel fairly able to cope and have found what works for me as far as coping strategies go. Thank goodness for exercise! Without my daily walks and cycling, it would have been a very different scenario.

What about the young people? The 16-25 year olds? How are they coping? What are their views throughout this period? There are so many people to be concerned about and this group is one of them.

They need to feel included, understood and seen. The mental health risks to this age group are also great as they are under different kinds of pressure socially and showing vulnerability to others is a big challenge.

According to research done for the Prince’s Trust Tesco Youth Index, this group feels more anxious and unable to cope than ever.

The Prince’s Trust found that among 16- to 25-year-olds ...

68% feel they are 'missing out on being young'

66% say current and upcoming political events have made them feel anxious about their future

62% believe they’ve 'lost a year' of their lives

58% say constant news about the pandemic makes them feel anxious

54% say political and economic events of 2020 have made their mental health worse

46% of Neets* are dreading the year ahead

38% are dreading the year ahead

Guardian graphic. Source: 2021 Prince’s Trust Tesco Youth Index. *not in work, education or training

Half of the young people interviewed by YouGov for the trust’s 2020 Youth Index, carried out in partnership with Tesco, said current political and economic events had affected their mental health. More than half said they always or often felt anxious, rising to 64% among those not in work, education or training (Neet).

So what can be done for this vulnerable group? How can we help the ones we are close to? What can companies do?

“At this critical time we need businesses, government and individuals to work with us to help as many vulnerable young people as possible,” Jonathan Townsend, the trust’s UK chief executive. “It is only by working together that we can stop this generation of young people giving up on their futures – and themselves.”

So over to you lovely people out there, can you reach out and offer help? Is there space for a young person to join your workforce in one way or another? Even something small can really help a young person to feel valued and that they have a contribution to make.

The Pandemic - how has it affected you?

So, here we are, lockdown 3.0. Who would have ever imagined us here a year ago?

This will be a time to talk about in years to come for sure. As with most things, there will be good and bad parts.

For me, it has changed our company and the way we work. After only delivering workshops and seminars in real life, suddenly we are delivering all over the world! This situation forced us to think outside of the box and it has paid off. We miss real life interaction as human connection is what we are about. However, in a funny way, this pandemic has enabled us to reach more people which is a good thing.

On a personal level I am grateful to have my family, friends and home. Living in a small town has also been good as it enables more connections and meeting people out and about. I have upped my exercise in this past year by power walking, cycling and doing pilates at least 5 times a week. I used to go to a club before but felt limited as the classes would get full and I couldn't always do the classes I wanted. Now I go to my computer, log in and do it when it suits me. I also have quality time with various friends where we walk and talk non stop for our 10km walks. My husband always asks what on earth do we talk about…he’s better off not knowing! He has been an incredible person to be locked down with as he loves cooking and I get 2 meals a day served. Now that is a big positive in my world!

I have noticed that we tend to find it easier to talk about the negatives so I would love to hear the positives from people. There will be something that you have discovered along the way.

I have a need to hold on to the positive thoughts as there are just too many negatives around and it makes me feel low. Something that helps me is not watching the news in the evenings, writing in my journal and reading good books.

What has been a positive for you? Work wise or privately? What have you learnt? How do you help yourself to be the best you can be?

It’s ok to feel low at times, to always be positive is not possible. It’s just a matter of bouncing back and not staying down so it becomes detrimental to your mental health. Find what works for you, we are all different.

If nothing else, have flowers in your home! They brighten up any day!

2020 - what a year

Who would have predicted a year ago what was ahead of us? Looking back it has been a year of many events and emotions. We all have different experiences and feelings on what has been happening and a lot to digest.

Some have liked it and found it freeing in a funny way. No musts of going places and meeting people. It has allowed them time to spend with their families and reconnecting in a way they hadn’t been able to normally. So many live in a constant state of stress and not being enough and this unexpected situation suddenly enabled them to just be.

The other side has been quite different, causing havoc, stress and uncertainty both emotionally and financially. Many losing their jobs, not being able to pay rent or mortgages. Relationships suffering because of these situations.

Then there’s the in between, the people holding on to their jobs, adjusting and coping even if it’s been tough. It’s been so unpredictable, who is coping and who isn’t. Some who I assumed would be fine haven’t been and others who I thought would struggle have been fine.

What makes us so different? Why do some people manage better than others?

I am not referring to financial difficulties during Covid but rather the emotional coping skills some people possess and others don’t.

I think a lot comes down to resilience and the ability to control the ‘controlable’. The way we respond to situations and allow them to take over or not. How we bounce back rather than dwelling.

This is something we learn and become used to so if a person has not had to deal with many difficulties in their lives and suddenly face them during a pandemic, the ability to cope might not be there.

We can start to learn by reading, talking and noticing other people around us and what they do. Awareness and knowledge helps greatly. Compassion, empathy and gratitude for what we do have also plays a big part in how we deal with difficult situations.

What have you learnt during this year? What has been, if anything, the silver lining in your life?

For me, it has been having a home to work from, the ability to adjust and change our work to go online, spending more time outdoors with some friends whilst exercising, having my husband to be with and support me who also happens to be a great cook and also generally slowing down in life. Noticing nature and the surroundings in a way I haven’t done before has also been lovely.

Connection- more important then ever

I just listened to a lovely speaker who talked about connection and how it affects us a human beings and the impact it has on both our mental and physical health.

Do you know that when we have good, deep connection with friends and family, we improve our chances of longevity and health?

Do you also know that showing vulnerability will pay off in the end? It tends to have a domino effect, when one person dares to bare, more people follow.

How many times do we say ‘I’m fine’ when we aren’t? How many times do we actually say what we need when we feel low?

Not often enough is the answer. What stops us? Why is to so hard to show feelings when we are low? Happy and positive feelings are a lot easier to share, aren’t they?

The fear of being judged and fear of rejection are 2 reasons. To step out of that comfort zone takes courage and time but it’s worth it.

When we open up and are received by someone else who shows they care and listen no matter what, that is the best feeling ever. So, if we show others that being vulnerable is ok, we help others to dare to do the same.

Check out this talk, it’s 10 mins of your time: https://youtu.be/WKUgVpCqvfY

What can you do to improve connection? How can you reach out to people?

We have a few gatherings on our road every year and it is such a lovely way to get to know the neighbours. There is a street party every summer, a children’s play day in the autumn, a ladies night, Safari supper and other things through out the year. A great way to be connected to others nearby.

Obviously during Covid, a lot of this has not been possible but we have found other ways to connect via the WhatsApp group, impromptu get togethers outside and just chatting when we bump into each other. It feels good to be part of a community.

There are many people that are lonely around us. This is a problem in big and small communities and it affects our mental health in a detrimental way. We all need connection and feel a belonging whether it’s with neighbours, friends, work colleagues or clubs.

What can we do to be more present and create connection when and if needed? Are there people around us that are longing to belong?

Have a look around you and see what you can do. It all helps.

Enjoy!

Emotional intelligence - what is that about?

What makes a person a good co worker to be around? Why do some people get on with ‘everyone’ and some don’t?

Emotional intelligence can be one of the reasons. A person who is emotionally intelligent tends to read people and situations better than others and can therefore also handle them in a different way.

Their ability to handle situations well is now recognised as a top skill by companies.

In a 2011 Career Builder Survey of more than 2,600 hiring managers and human resource professionals, 71% stated they valued emotional intelligence in an employee over IQ; 75% said they were more likely to promote a highly emotionally intelligent worker; and 59% claimed they’d pass up a candidate with a high IQ but low emotional intelligence.

So what is all of this about? What qualities does a person with high emotional intelligence possess? Can they be learnt?

Yes, I do believe we can learn to become emotionally intelligent. Some have it naturally and others have to learn. In order to learn, you have to be motivated and understand why this is important.

Emotional intelligence definition: ’ the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.’

According to Daniel Goleman , an American psychologist who helped to popularise emotional intelligence, there are five key elements to it:

• Self-awareness. - ‘ What am I feeling and what is my part?’

• Self-regulation. - Write a journal and gratitude journal regularly.

• Motivation. - What do I want in my life and why? What difference will it make? Create a mind map that you can see daily.

• Empathy. - Who do you know that is empathic, what do they do and how do they make you feel? Watch and learn and demonstrate.

• Social skills. - How do you reach out to others and how often? How do you interact? Yet again, do you have someone you admire to learn from?

When someone has high emotional intelligence, they can put aside another persons attacks or behaviour as they understand it’s not about them but the person who is doing it. They don’t take it personally and can differentiate between useful and nasty criticism or feedback and learn from it.

As most things we learn, it takes time and practise which means understanding and implementing these skills as often as one can. Eventually they become second nature and part of us.

MRT Consultants offer training to help with these skills.

Please DM or e-mail for further information!

Wish you all a great continuous summer wherever you are!

Back to the office we go?

How are things going for your company? For yourself? Your family? Your friends?

The uncertainty of late is the biggest obstacle for many to be able to move forward. How will my kids be looked after if I have to go to the office? What are the expectations of my employer? Can my partner and I share the time away from home? Do I feel safe going on public transport and exposing myself and my family to the virus? WHEN WILL THIS STOP???

The unknown is still around and how we deal with this varies from person to person. In my group of friends it is very obvious. Some are happy to meet indoors and even hug, others won’t. Some want to continue to work from home but feel forced to go back to the workplace as they don’t have a valid reason to shield. Others can’t wait to get out and see their workmates. Some will stay at home as long as they are allowed and feel happy about it. There is no one solution that fits all.

So what do we do? Who decides what employees should do? A lot of people would say the company has the right to say what they need and have expectations that their staff should adhere to. They pay their salaries after all.

Then again, if staff is forced to go back into the office, what kind of atmosphere and work environment will this create?

There is no straight forward answer to this. Each company will have to work this out together with their staff. Where there are clients involved, they might need a say in it as well.

The overall thing we all agree on is that the economy needs to get back up and the only way this will happen is if we all engage in any way we can.

At MRT Consultants, we help companies and their staff to get through this by encouraging effective communication, understanding individual needs and self-care. This in turn leads to staff feeling seen and heard and leaders enabling change based on needs of staff rather than just walking all over them.

Staying home...'love in action'...

We’ve had a great few weeks of delivering webinars focusing on how to find the positives and opportunities to thrive during these times of social isolation. Throughout all the discussions we’ve had a few positives seem to be recurring themes:

• people are exercising more

• people are sleeping longer

• people are feeling more connected to their immediate neighbours and communities

• people are learning more

• many people are enjoying the time at home without the commute to work

• people are feeling more grounded (probably the result of the baking & gardening taking place)

• people are feeling gratitude

Despite individual situations and concerns, these positives are having a direct impact on people’s physical and mental health. Yes, there are frustrations, fears and anxieties - but the leveling playing field seems to be the knowledge that everyone is in this together and no one has been singled out. The current situation is affecting everyone - globally - and this seems to give it a sense of normalcy that helps to reduce escalating anxiety.

I have been supporting a group over the past 8 weeks that has been focused on addressing anxiety and depression with a toolkit of physical activity, mental health and nutrition advice. It has been remarkable to witness the journey that many of the participants have traveled and seen the power that group support and accountability has. A journey I would highly recommend: Recognise, Reset & Rebuild https://www.facebook.com/groups/rrr2020/

This sentiment of ‘we can do this together’ is so fantastically summed up in this saying posted by the COVID-19 response team in Belfast. This was a campaign launched to get people to see that the stay-at-home decree was not the end of the world - but in fact the ‘greatest act of love’ the world has ever seen.

From our point of view - we all need each other even more than ever. We need the human connection, the feeling of community and the tools to manage our mental health and to support those around us.

We’ve just heard that Mental Health First Aid Courses will now be possible to deliver online - so we’ll be offering training from the end of the month for those who want to continue their areas of growth into accreditation as a Mental Health First Aider.

Keep safe!

How are different personality types coping with social distancing?

We’re getting used to being physically and socially distanced from people.  While we all know and understand the reasoning and value behind it – it doesn’t mean that we are finding it easy.  But there are definitely some personality types that are finding it easier than others!

Some people feel like they are literally in solitary confinement whereas others are actually relishing the time alone.  Is this because some people are naturally introverts who thrive in quieter more 1-1 situations?  Or is it something more?

On the basis of nature and biology, humans are social creatures who are designed to thrive in groups and rely on each other for survival. This is where the phrase ‘strength in numbers’ evolved from as well as the laws of natural selection.  Although the world is vastly different from these primitive survival days, we still have an instinct to remain close to other people.  It is one of our basic human needs for connection.

When we are in a situation where proximity to others is removed, our bodies will naturally respond with a level of stress.  As with all stress, we experience the adrenaline that fuels the flight or fight response. However, being in isolation adds another risk - loneliness. Loneliness is one of the most powerful mental and emotional stressors often manifesting in increased anxiety and depression. With no sign of social distancing ending, this stress is likely to increase, so if you know of someone who is experiencing added loneliness at this time - please be extra mindful and vigilant of their mental health.

But then there are those who seem to be thoroughly happy with the social isolation situation. It’s often found that someone who enjoyed playing alone as a child – will continue to thrive when they are isolated from others as an adult. They often present with better mental health and don’t experience ‘FOMO’ (fear of missing out) as intensely as others do and they may also seem to be more grounded.  The upside of this behaviour is often more focus and creativity and self-discipline.

So, even if you’re a person who just loves being with others, take this time to tap into your other side.  Allow yourself the time to really hone your focus and self-awareness skills.  Use the time for reflection and learning and get in touch with your thoughts, feelings and what really makes you happy.  Do you enjoy time with yourself?  If not – why not?   How is your relationship with yourself?  What is your sense-of-self and are you happy with all aspects of yourself?  Do you value yourself?

Important questions – hope you’ll take time to answer them.

Remember – you are the one person you can be sure you will always have in your life!

Lots of feelings of anxiety and loss…

Anxiety in children is a very real fear for them – and it all centres around emotion.  The younger the child, the less able they are to understand locus of control – in other words what is happening to them outside of their control and what is within their control. 

One of the best ways to help children is to model the behaviour, the thoughts and the coping skills.  Start off by making sure that you are calm yourself.  Voice the concerns by naming the emotion.  Eg ‘It’s really worrying not knowing what is happening out there in the world at the moment’ or ‘It’s scary not being able to see people and do normal things’ or ‘It makes me feel different and frightened…’  Then ask them how they are feeling.  If a child feels that what they are feeling is shared with others, it reduces their anxiety because it normalises their feelings. 

You would then continue the modelling by moving from naming the fears and anxieties to a place where you start to find a ‘new normal’ for now – keeping the language around…’we can’t do this YET, but we can do this’… or ‘the time we can’t do this WILL PASS, so for now we need to change things a bit and do it this way’.

This is closely linked to the feelings of loss.  There are many students who have had to deal with an abrupt and completely altered end to their schooling careers or end of year exams.  Keep a close eye on University students too as they are a high risk group for mental health concerns. All students will be feeling degrees of loss.  For some, they may still be reeling from shock, denial and anger and others could already be feeling down with a very low mood.  There will also be some who have moved into acceptance of the situation. 

Wherever your children are in the cycle, the most important thing as a parent is to validate their feelings and listen to them. Don’t try and fix things or minimise the impact by saying ‘it doesn’t matter’ or ‘don’t worry you can always redo your exams’ or ‘at least you’re not ill’.  This won’t help them.  You need to empathise and acknowledge how they’re feeling but then work with them to move them through the cycle so they don’t get stuck. 

It may be that  you need to get on the phone to other parents and find out how they are coping with their children; it may be you need to give a teenager space and an outlet for their anger (think drums or a boxing bag). You may need to call the school and speak to someone in the pastoral team.   Keep a close eye on their eating, sleep and hygiene.  If you notice changes this could be an indication that they are getting depressed and may need additional help. 

Try to help them find something positive in their day, their week and the current situation.  Keep connecting with them and find value in the close proximity and time you have together – it truly is unique. 

If you’re worried, remember you can always call the Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Have you got bored kids?

We hope you are keeping yourselves safe and indoors as we all entrench ourselves in this period of physical isolation. It’s been a few weeks now and many people have been able to get a routine established in their lives, but for many - boredom is setting in.

Children have, to a large degree, been occupied through virtual schooling until this week. Now the Easter holidays are here! What are you going to do to keep your kids occupied so you can continue to manage your day and work commitments?

Children, by nature, love to learn. They thrive when they can develop, explore, connect and engage with activities. Watching TV all day is actually not what they instinctively want or need. So here are some ideas to help them over the next few weeks:

• Get your children to learn to touch type. It’s the most fantastic lifeskill: https://www.typingclub.com/

  or Dance Mat typing on BBC Bitesize: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zf2f9j6/articles/z3c6tfr

• What about learning sign language? British Sign Language Courses are free for U18s

  https:/www.british-sign.co.uk/shop/product/introducing-british-sign-language-enrolment/

•  If you have a computer mad child have a look at Idea.org - an online Digital Enterprise Award Scheme https://Idea.org.uk/about/

• A great resource is the stay at home club: lots of ideas to keep busy and engaged during this isolation time: https://www.facebook.com/thestayathomeclub/

• There’s also a bunch of free resources to combat boredom here: Chatter Pack

  https://chatterpack.net/blogs/blog/list-of-online-resources-for-anyone-who-is-isolated-at-home

• Amazon is offering free audio books for children: https://stories.audible.com/start-listen

• Challenge your kids to a bake-off competition

• Engage your kids in a dragons-den game. Set a budget and get them thinking about new business ideas to pitch to you. Perhaps something for your house or their room, school or community?

• Make Thursday night a family theatre night with The National Theatre. A free play each Thursday night: https://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/at-home

Above all, stay indoors. Stay Safe. Stay connected.

When does it start and how can we change the end?

It’s been all over media the last few days. Caroline Flack and her desperately sad ending to her life.

This is a person whose life was under scrutiny for many years and it finally took its toll. I guess there is only so much a person can take without taking desperate action and in Caroline’s case, this meant taking her own life.

How unbelievably desolate, hopeless and lonely she must have felt those last minutes or maybe hours, days, weeks or even years. How do we know how someone feels? What can we do as partners, parents, siblings, friends or colleagues?

This, I am sure is what thousands of people ask themselves every day in the UK.

There are approximately 18 suicides per day in the UK which will affect so many more than just the direct family. 75% of suicides completed are by men. The most are men in the age group 45-49 years old. The death rate for under 25s rose by 24% during 2018 and is even higher now.

These are frightening statistics and makes me wonder what is going on in our society?

I believe there is always hope and together we can make a difference. By talking openly about fears and feelings, being present and listening. Noticing changes and approaching in an appropriate way. Get to know our own feelings and acknowledge the need when it appears. Understand what works for us and encourage others to learn as well.

Start early by teaching our children about feelings and the importance of talking and listening. Improving and building our self-esteem is an ongoing process which is the base for so much of how resilient we are. Also known as fitness for the soul, it’s the basis of our wellbeing.

It takes a village to raise a child. Who or what are your resources? How can you get talking if you aren’t already? What’s stopping you?

www.familyfocusuk.com

Does honesty in the workplace pay off??

Jeff (not his real name) has a high profile job. He is a senior leader in the organisation with a lot of direct reports. 

For the past year, Jeff has had a physiotherapy appointment every Monday morning and has gone away on two long-distance cycling trips, each lasting three weeks. 

For the rest of the time, he has been present at the office with almost no time off. 

He’s worked long hours choosing to arrive at the office early and leave late. 

But at the start of this year, Jeff has decided to change one thing. His silence.

Don't suffer in silence

He’s decided to speak up about his life – what’s really going on - and make a change.

You see, Jeff was never at the physio on a Monday. 

He was seeing a counsellor about his mental health concerns and in particular his feelings of depression. 

His long cycling trips were made-up stories. 

These were times when he was so low that he couldn’t face being in the office. 

On one of the ‘trips’, he had instead booked himself into a retreat to access support and care.

Why was Jeff not able to speak about this honestly? What barriers and stigma were in his workplace that kept him silent? 

Interestingly, with hindsight, Jeff became aware that he was contributing to the culture of silence in his workplace and realised that he needed to speak up.

So he did.

Jeff brought all of his staff, 190 people, into his circle and made a full disclosure on what he’s been dealing with. 

He held his hand up and said: “I’m battling to cope – all the secrecy and lies are adding too much anxiety and stress to my life.”

He was expecting resistance, rebuttal and recrimination. Instead, he received gratitude, support and a workplace that embraced his transparency and disclosure.

Where he had feared lack of respect, lack of support and a decline in productivity – he actually experienced the opposite. 

His honesty and ‘leading from the top’ allowed others in the organisation to come on board with their own issues and concerns and work together as a team to be the best they can be.

Mental health is something we all have. It is a dynamic, constantly changing state of mind and emotion and affects us all.

How can you help yourself and others to understand and cope with your mental health and wellbeing? What can you do in your workplace to promote positive mental health and reduce the stigma associated with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues?

You can start with knowledge and awareness. 

Learn as much as you can about these issues so that you feel better able to support yourself and others in need. 

Learn what you can do to make your workplace more inclusive and open to conversations around mental health. 

Equip yourself with skills and tools on how to cope and be mindful in this increasingly stressful world.

Family Focus UK's Ase Greenacre and Jenni Cole

Family Focus UK promotes and encourages wellbeing and mental health awareness in the workplace and privately.

It trains Mental Health First Aiders on a two-day fully accredited course with MHFA England. 

It also offers a ‘Champion’ for mental health (one-day training) or workshops on mental health awareness and self and team care in your workplace.

Your trainers will be Ase Greenacre and Jenni Cole, two highly motivated and knowledgeable facilitators with a wealth of experience in coaching, counselling and mental health. 

They are also parenting experts, mothers and wives and female business owners. 

Your session will be packed with activities, tips and tools, laughter and lots of learning.

There are so many things you can do. The trick is to do something. A good start is by signing up to one of Family Focus UK’s courses in Reigate, Surrey.

• Mental Health First Aider (two days): Monday-Tuesday, February 17-18

• Mental Health First Aid Champion (one day): Wednesday, February 26

Do I dare to or not?

How do we dare to be open and accepting of others and your own mental health issues? What does it take to feel comfortable with someone at work?

The fear of being judged is very real. The ‘what if’ can often show it self. Am I being looked at differently or treated differently? Do they trust me to do my job properly? Do they think I will be signed off work often?

This is all part of the change of the work and company culture within an organisation. When acceptance starts at the top, the likelihood of acceptance further down is more likely.

So, how can this be done? What does your workplace do at the moment?

According to Mind, if you do decide to tell your employer, think about:

• How and when to do it. It can be helpful to have a note from your doctor to help explain your situation.

• How much information you want to give. You don’t have to go into personal details, just focus on how your mental health problem impacts on your job.

• Whom to share it with. For example, the human resources (HR) department may know your diagnosis, but they don't have to tell your supervisor or colleagues.

There are many people working towards enabling disclosure and openness the same way we talk about other illnesses or disabilities.

How good it would be to have an open discussion about all disabilities and have an understanding and empathy as the norm.

This is what Family Focus UK strives towards. We help companies support their staff to enable an open work culture for acceptance of differences and disabilities. Check out what we offer on: http://www.familyfocusuk.com/mental-health-awareness

Waterpolo anyone?

Growing up in South Africa, water polo was part of our life and culture and I was thrilled when I was able to start a club at my son’s school.

It was fascinating watching a group of boys age 12 - 15 work out how to play. The physical side is a skill set they can learn - but it is the mental side of the game that is the journey.

It soon became apparent that the difference between playing well or poorly was closely linked to the brain matter between their ears. 

Players realised that how they made decisions and mentally executed them was critical.  Were they able to stay calm and composed when under pressure by the opposition?  Did they get too nervous and flounder the ball?   Could they stay focused and let everything else go?  Were they able to keep their concentration levels up for the whole game?  

 When mistakes were made, could they let them go and move on – get their head back into the next series of plays?  Who was letting anger and disappointment disrupt their play and who would berate their fellow players?  So much was seen and experienced in that pool!

 And then there was the social side.

Watching the team bond, watching communication happen and teamwork develop.  Seeing players develop resilience and resistance to opposition challenges.  Players learning how to stay centred and focused on their own game plan.   Seeing self-belief take shape and confidence grow

And the fun!

Waterpolo is fantastic fun. We have loads of laughter, horseplay and interaction throughout the session and watching players climbing out the pool, all I see is a sea of smiling faces.

If you’re not part of a team sport - think about joining one. It is such a positive experience and can have a profound impact on your mood and mental health. Exercise is one of the key ingredients for a healthy mind - and team sports adds another whole level of benefits.

There are so many options to consider -why not try one?

My son in action!