What is the Corona virus threat doing to us?

It’s all around us. The fear of getting ill and/or being away from work, possible financial difficulties. Our elderly and vulnerable getting ill and not surviving. The shops running out of food, no medicine available and getting stuck. The list goes on.

What has the impact been so far? How are you coping with the unknown?

A lot of us have tendencies to catastrophise and expect the worse. What can we do to be in a better headspace?

‘Catastrophising, or catastrophic thinking, is a form of negative thinking where a person thinks the worst about a situation,’ explains cognitive behavioural therapist Marie McGeechan of The Albany Centre. ‘This can lead to unhelpful emotions such as stress or anxiety, and can become a problem if not addressed.’ The tendency to catastrophise can be linked back to early experiences, which shape the way we think. ‘It can also be exacerbated by particular situations and emotional states,’ Marie says. ‘For instance, when we’re feeling depressed, we have a negative view on things which can lead to an increased likelihood of catastrophising. ‘Similarly, if we feel anxious, we tend to overestimate the chances of something bad happening, while also underestimating our ability to cope.’

The skill of living in the now and accepting that we can’t control everything around us is a good one to have.

What is really in your control? How can you help yourself to stay healthy?

I think most of us have read up on all precautions and are doing as much as we can in that regard. So, as far as the mental side of things goes, here is a good article from Psychology today to read as the principal of thinking is the same, no matter what the fear is about:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendship-20/201611/5-ways-stop-catastrophizing

When does it start and how can we change the end?

It’s been all over media the last few days. Caroline Flack and her desperately sad ending to her life.

This is a person whose life was under scrutiny for many years and it finally took its toll. I guess there is only so much a person can take without taking desperate action and in Caroline’s case, this meant taking her own life.

How unbelievably desolate, hopeless and lonely she must have felt those last minutes or maybe hours, days, weeks or even years. How do we know how someone feels? What can we do as partners, parents, siblings, friends or colleagues?

This, I am sure is what thousands of people ask themselves every day in the UK.

There are approximately 18 suicides per day in the UK which will affect so many more than just the direct family. 75% of suicides completed are by men. The most are men in the age group 45-49 years old. The death rate for under 25s rose by 24% during 2018 and is even higher now.

These are frightening statistics and makes me wonder what is going on in our society?

I believe there is always hope and together we can make a difference. By talking openly about fears and feelings, being present and listening. Noticing changes and approaching in an appropriate way. Get to know our own feelings and acknowledge the need when it appears. Understand what works for us and encourage others to learn as well.

Start early by teaching our children about feelings and the importance of talking and listening. Improving and building our self-esteem is an ongoing process which is the base for so much of how resilient we are. Also known as fitness for the soul, it’s the basis of our wellbeing.

It takes a village to raise a child. Who or what are your resources? How can you get talking if you aren’t already? What’s stopping you?

www.familyfocusuk.com

Does honesty in the workplace pay off??

Jeff (not his real name) has a high profile job. He is a senior leader in the organisation with a lot of direct reports. 

For the past year, Jeff has had a physiotherapy appointment every Monday morning and has gone away on two long-distance cycling trips, each lasting three weeks. 

For the rest of the time, he has been present at the office with almost no time off. 

He’s worked long hours choosing to arrive at the office early and leave late. 

But at the start of this year, Jeff has decided to change one thing. His silence.

Don't suffer in silence

He’s decided to speak up about his life – what’s really going on - and make a change.

You see, Jeff was never at the physio on a Monday. 

He was seeing a counsellor about his mental health concerns and in particular his feelings of depression. 

His long cycling trips were made-up stories. 

These were times when he was so low that he couldn’t face being in the office. 

On one of the ‘trips’, he had instead booked himself into a retreat to access support and care.

Why was Jeff not able to speak about this honestly? What barriers and stigma were in his workplace that kept him silent? 

Interestingly, with hindsight, Jeff became aware that he was contributing to the culture of silence in his workplace and realised that he needed to speak up.

So he did.

Jeff brought all of his staff, 190 people, into his circle and made a full disclosure on what he’s been dealing with. 

He held his hand up and said: “I’m battling to cope – all the secrecy and lies are adding too much anxiety and stress to my life.”

He was expecting resistance, rebuttal and recrimination. Instead, he received gratitude, support and a workplace that embraced his transparency and disclosure.

Where he had feared lack of respect, lack of support and a decline in productivity – he actually experienced the opposite. 

His honesty and ‘leading from the top’ allowed others in the organisation to come on board with their own issues and concerns and work together as a team to be the best they can be.

Mental health is something we all have. It is a dynamic, constantly changing state of mind and emotion and affects us all.

How can you help yourself and others to understand and cope with your mental health and wellbeing? What can you do in your workplace to promote positive mental health and reduce the stigma associated with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues?

You can start with knowledge and awareness. 

Learn as much as you can about these issues so that you feel better able to support yourself and others in need. 

Learn what you can do to make your workplace more inclusive and open to conversations around mental health. 

Equip yourself with skills and tools on how to cope and be mindful in this increasingly stressful world.

Family Focus UK's Ase Greenacre and Jenni Cole

Family Focus UK promotes and encourages wellbeing and mental health awareness in the workplace and privately.

It trains Mental Health First Aiders on a two-day fully accredited course with MHFA England. 

It also offers a ‘Champion’ for mental health (one-day training) or workshops on mental health awareness and self and team care in your workplace.

Your trainers will be Ase Greenacre and Jenni Cole, two highly motivated and knowledgeable facilitators with a wealth of experience in coaching, counselling and mental health. 

They are also parenting experts, mothers and wives and female business owners. 

Your session will be packed with activities, tips and tools, laughter and lots of learning.

There are so many things you can do. The trick is to do something. A good start is by signing up to one of Family Focus UK’s courses in Reigate, Surrey.

• Mental Health First Aider (two days): Monday-Tuesday, February 17-18

• Mental Health First Aid Champion (one day): Wednesday, February 26

It's OK to visit the GP...right?

What goes into a decision to access your GP surgery? How ‘easy’ is it for you to decide to make an appointment to see a GP? Most people don’t ponder the decision for long, or think about the pro’s or con’s of getting a physical worry ‘checked out’ (of course actually getting an appointment is another thing!). So why is it that when we consider approaching a medical professional for help or advice with our mental health, we’re often slow to act; reluctant to take that step or weighed down by doubt, stigma or other barriers?

Åse and I are as passionate about our parenting work as we are about mental health and wellbeing - so when I came across this article it really resonated and I wanted to share it:

It’s by Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of Kidscape

If a child’s mental health has been significantly impacted by cyberbullying what are the immediate steps that parents should take?

Go to your GP. If your child had a broken leg you’d be straight to A&E and mental health is no different. Don’t be embarrassed or scared. Bullying can cause anxiety and depression and the sooner you get help the better. Let your child know that you love them unconditionally and acknowledge how the bullying has made them feel. Be patient and create opportunities to connect – even if they’re quiet and withdrawn they need you more than ever.

Encourage them to break contact with the people that are hurting them and spend time (whether it’s face to face or online) with people that make them feel good about themselves. Gentle exercise each day like going for a walk can really help, and any activity that helps them feel calmer.

Help them think about other people that can be a support and encourage them to share how they’re feeling with these people even if they can’t talk to you. Talk together about what needs to happen for the bullying to stop and whether it is worth approaching their school or college for help. Let them know that this will pass and together you will get through it.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Lauren reinforces that the medical profession is there to support and care for our mental health as much as our physical health - so reach out if you need to and ask for help.

More blogs and articles on http://www.familyfocusuk.com/wellbeing-blog

I'm tired of New Year's Resolutions! You?

It’s 2020 everyone. Not only a new year but a new decade and the comments on social media are waxing lyrical about New Year’s Resolutions. I’m not sure how you feel about them, but in our household we’ve stopped using this terminology. It feels too cliched for the way we live today - the constant change and rapid development that is taking place around us - and our need to be actively present in our lives.

Åse and I are planning for our year ahead and one of the things we’re talking about is the ‘tick box’ exercise that a lot of Companies do with wellbeing in the workplace. For example, they go all out to provide input for their employees for ‘mental health awareness week’ (this year on 18 - 24 May) but then provide limited resources or continuing education for the remainder of the year.

Focusing on these types of awareness days/weeks is fantastic - and the more companies that get on board and support their employees the better - but we’d like to challenge you that ‘like’ New Year’s Resolutions, this is not a ‘one day, or one-week’ event but something that is revisited time and again and rolled out, changed and adapted throughout the year. Make your resolution to be continually present and responsive this year.

A great starting place is to train Mental Health First Aiders (fully qualified) or Mental Health First Aid Champions who work alongside employees every day and are essential as a listening ear and to signpost where needed.

Maybe you’ve training your staff already, but are in need of a refresher for them? Or have you considered continuing supervision or updates to support them in their MHFAider roles?

If this is on your radar or if you’re making plans for your L & D for 2020, give us a call. We have some very topical workshops/webinars that would be a great value-add for your organisation for this year.

Our next Mental Health First Aid Training Course is running locally in Reigate in February - why not come along and start your new year with a host of new learning and information?

jenni@familyfocusuk.com 07733-434143

Let’s travel the 2020 road together….

Waterpolo anyone?

Growing up in South Africa, water polo was part of our life and culture and I was thrilled when I was able to start a club at my son’s school.

It was fascinating watching a group of boys age 12 - 15 work out how to play. The physical side is a skill set they can learn - but it is the mental side of the game that is the journey.

It soon became apparent that the difference between playing well or poorly was closely linked to the brain matter between their ears. 

Players realised that how they made decisions and mentally executed them was critical.  Were they able to stay calm and composed when under pressure by the opposition?  Did they get too nervous and flounder the ball?   Could they stay focused and let everything else go?  Were they able to keep their concentration levels up for the whole game?  

 When mistakes were made, could they let them go and move on – get their head back into the next series of plays?  Who was letting anger and disappointment disrupt their play and who would berate their fellow players?  So much was seen and experienced in that pool!

 And then there was the social side.

Watching the team bond, watching communication happen and teamwork develop.  Seeing players develop resilience and resistance to opposition challenges.  Players learning how to stay centred and focused on their own game plan.   Seeing self-belief take shape and confidence grow

And the fun!

Waterpolo is fantastic fun. We have loads of laughter, horseplay and interaction throughout the session and watching players climbing out the pool, all I see is a sea of smiling faces.

If you’re not part of a team sport - think about joining one. It is such a positive experience and can have a profound impact on your mood and mental health. Exercise is one of the key ingredients for a healthy mind - and team sports adds another whole level of benefits.

There are so many options to consider -why not try one?

My son in action!

Look out!

I have just been watching the news and a report about the decline in young peoples mental health. It is getting worse by the day. What can be done? How can we help?

One thing is to be aware and understand the signs of mental health issues and know how to approach someone.

Even better is preventative action. The earlier we start talking and creating a trusting relationship, the more we will be in a place to support and help. This involves being present and spending time with the people that matter.

Part of the problem in todays society is the lack of connection as more and more people spend too much time on line rather than talking and be together as families. This is one of the things that keeps on popping up when talking to youngsters, ‘My parents are always busy with other things like being on the their phones or laptops’ ‘They’d rather be online than with me’.

What this really says is that these children or people over all don’t feel significant and important enough to be seen and heard. This has a great impact on their self-esteem which get lower and lower unless dealt with.

Low self-esteem will lead to a person doubting themselves, not being good enough, not being worthy of love and attention. It can also lead to a person making decisions based on the need to be seen and loved rather than what is actually the best decision for them.

So, be aware, pay attention, put away those devices and be PRESENT!!

We are currently delivering MHFA training as well as other relevant topics within Mental health and emotional wellbeing.

For further information please go to:

www.familyfocusuk.com

National Suicide Prevention Day...10 September 2019

Today we are focusing on the worrying rates of suicides in the UK - and worldwide. In the UK 75% of suicides are by men with the age group 40 - 49 at the highest risk. Alarmingly the under 25 age group numbers of suicides has increased by 23.7% in the last year and overall suicides are up by 11.8%. Looking at statistics globally, the World Health Organisation figures show one person dies by suicide every 40 seconds.

6507 suicides were recorded in the UK in 2018 - more than road accidents and wars and we fear this number is probably higher due to the subjectivity in the law around the recording of the cause of death.

It’s extremely worrying and becoming far too prevalent.

Last week, during a delivery of a Mental Health First Aid course, I was speaking to a participant who shared that 3 friends had died by suicide in the last year. All under the age of 25.

It’s real and happening and we have to do something about it.

So what can you do? How can you help with ‘prevention of suicide’?

The most important things you can do are:

Notice other people. Don’t let things slide by. If you notice changes in behaviour or mood or appearances - ask that person how they are feeling. And ask with care, interest and purpose.

Connect with others. People who are considering suicide often feel isolated, alone and desperate. They feel overwhelmed with their thoughts, feelings, troubles and feel that they have ‘no way out’. By connecting with them (which simply means being present and focusing on them) they will not be alone and this may make a huge difference.

Listen to them. Don’t try and fix their problems, or tell them about how you’ve had similar worries, Just listen to them. Be there for them and show genuine care and support.

Encourage them to get support and professional help. There are so many organisations that offer fantastic services and support - a few are listed below:

Samaritans: for everyone  Call 116 123  Email jo@samaritans.org www.samaritians.org

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight daily

Papyrus: Prevention of Young Suicide) under 35 Call 0800 068 41 41 – Mon to Fri 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm  Text 07786 209697 Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline:  for children and young people under 19 Call 0800 1111  www.childline.org.uk

The Silver Line:  for older people Call 0800 4 70 80 90

CALM: (Campaign Against Living Miserably)  0800 58 58 58 www.thecalmzone.net 

The Mix:  Under 25’s  freephone 0808 808 4994 (1 – 11pm) www.themix.org.uk

YoungMinds: Crisis Messenger free, 24/7 mental health crisis support text YM to 85258

And take care of yourself too!

Mental ill health in the workplace. How is it handled at your place of work?

It is great to read about the steps a lot of companies are taking towards supporting their staff with mental ill health. Any step is better than nothing, however, one week a year doesn’t do it. So many companies have their wellbeing week and that is it. What about the support the rest of the year?

The stigma surrounding mental ill health is still prevalent in the majority of companies. According to the research, employees struggling with mental health or other wellbeing issues are unable to concentrate on their job, a symptom known as “presenteeism,” for more than a third of the total scheduled work time (54.95 hours). This adds up to about eight total days per month, and more than twice as much as the typical “healthy” employee. These employees are also absent from work for an average of 7.36 hours per month – almost one full working day and about 5% of all work time.

An employee would rather talk about their stomach bug and their effects than mental health issues!!

To enable communication between managers and staff is vital, in many cases, a matter of life or death.

Thriving at work – a major report on mental health and employers, commissioned by Prime Minister Theresa May – quantifies the impact of mental ill health in the workplace. Poor mental health costs employers between £33bn and £42bn a year. This is in addition to an estimated £37bn to £52bn cost to the economy in lost output and £25bn cost to the government due to reduced tax intake, NHS treatment costs and poor health-related welfare payments.

Placing wellbeing at the core of your HR strategy is the first step to building a mentally healthy workplace. The following checklist can help you and your business to achieve this.

Workplace culture – Build an environment that is open, transparent and empathetic by allowing for flexible working, social outings and more. Openly acknowledge key resources out there such as those from charities including Mind, Rethink and Anxiety UK.

Role modelling – Normalise mental health issues by sharing personal stories, preferably from the top.

Work/life balance – Establish and enforce boundaries at work so your employees know that after work hours are theirs to unwind and disconnect from the daily grind.

Physical wellbeing – Whether by setting up cycle to work schemes in place or something as simple as a running club or meditation hour, try to introduce physical activities as part of your company’s work life. This will give your team the option to incorporate physical well-being into their lives as well.

Peer support and mentoring – It can be hard to open up to colleagues (or worse—your boss!), so by introducing peer counselling you could set the scene for your employees to connect with colleagues in a way that gives them permission to open up and connect over shared experiences. Mentoring programmes where senior members of staff take juniors under their wing could also help create rapport and start a dialogue where they can be their authentic selves at work.

Build strong communications platforms – Internal communication isn’t just a large company’s game. Even when running a startup you can keep the lines of communication open and transparent. Whether it’s through messaging channels like Slack or a weekly meeting, keep everyone on your team in the loop about major work changes to ease their transition. It’s also a great opportunity to praise employees and give kudos when deserved.

Monitor absences – Absences can be a dead giveaway that things may not be smooth sailing for your employees. If an employee is absent or late frequently, it should raise questions about their wellbeing. This could present the opportunity to start an open dialogue about what’s not working for them at work.

Seek employee feedback – Adopt frequent wellbeing checks through formal surveys or informal one-to-one meetings to keep the channel of communication open both ways. Using the data you gather can help you understand where your wellbeing strategy may have gaps from the perspective of your employees.

Review all of your policies at least once a year – Using feedback and monitoring progress of particularly vulnerable employees can help you stay accountable and reinforce your company’

Family Focus UK provide Mental Health awareness workshops and Mental Health First Aid courses amongst other topics. To find out more please go to:

www.familyfocusuk.com

For the full article which was published in Business Advice, please click here:

https://businessadvice.co.uk/hr/employment-law/sme-employers-mental-health/?utm_source=ba_newsletter&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=ba_newsletter_28668&utm_content=ba_story_standard&utm_source=ActiveCampaign&utm_medium=email&utm_content=A+bad+hire+could+cost+your+business+£132%2C000%21&utm_campaign=BA+Newsletter+Daily+15%2F07%2F2019

Summer and depression

The summer is upon us and it can be lovely, but not for everyone.
Summer is a time where depression and other mental health problems are common. Despite the weather being nicer and seeing people outdoors, this time of the year is tough for many. Being on your own and feeling lonely is even more obvious when seeing all the 'happy' people out and about. Posts on social media from 'amazing' holidays and times with friends and family are on show more than ever. Body image can also be a big issue. The thought of showing your body in summer clothes might be horrifying. The ‘what if someone comments and doesn’t like me’ feelings set in.

Feeling low affects everything around us. Something we normally cope with becomes a huge issue. So what can we do to help ourselves?

• We are all entitled to wear what we like and do what we are comfortable with. Say no and stand tall. It’s OK.

• We have choices about how to structure our days so make sure it is what suits you, not everyone else. If we know our triggers, try to avoid them.

• If summer holidays aren’t your thing, don’t go. Choose another time of the year. Some work mates will appreciate it!

• Most people are too busy thinking about themselves and their lives to notice someone elses' discomfort or how they look. It is more probable that we are caught in a negative thinking pattern which seems real but might not be reality.

• If these feelings have a big impact on life and are regular, ask for help. Therapy is there to assist and improve our lives. Don’t hesitate, it does work for a lot of people.

Be aware of others and their feelings and above all, be inclusive! Loneliness is a tough situation. If we can make a difference to someone, whether at work for lunch or after work drinks, inviting a neighbour, make that call you meant to do or send a text shows that you are thinking of them. The simplest things can make someone feel like they too are important. Kindness is one of them.

And, remember the sunscreen!!

How does social media affect our wellbeing?

I’ve been thinking about the impact social media has on our wellbeing. It is up and down for a lot of people. A kind of love or hate relationship.

Depending on how you are feeling that time you look on FB or Instagram, what you are reading and seeing can set you up for the day. The tendencies seem to be that the majority of posts are about how great life is, which can be really uplifting and inspiring if you are in that mindset.

However, if you are a bit low and things aren’t going as well as you’d like in your own life, reading about others ‘perfect’ lives can be depressing and sometimes hurtful. Seeing photos from an event or gathering with lots of your friends and you were not included can be one of those hurtful moments.

The lives of our online friends can seem so different and more exciting and successful than ours. But are they really? What goes on behind those facades?

There has been a lot in the news about suicides amongst not only youngsters but also adults. Has this digital world got anything to do with this increase in deaths?

So how do we live with this phenomena? How can we handle our social media without allowing it to get us down?

I think self-esteem plays a big part. If our self-esteem is high, we can handle situations and rationalise feelings much better. We are able to push those thoughts aside and see that what is presented is not always what it seems. Also, even if it is amazing, we can be happy for those involved and not jealous.

Envy is fine, we all would like some things we don’t have but that is OK, this is life. Kids today need to learn from an early age that life is not always fair, it can’t be the same for everyone. Study, work and do your best to create the life you want to live.

So, here are a few tips on increasing our self-esteem:

• Write a gratitude diary every night. I know it sounds funny but it is all part of feeding our brains with positivity.

• Challenge any negative thoughts that pop in to your head. “Is this really true?”

• Use mantras. “I can do this” , “I am a good person”, “ I am worthy”, yet again, feeding our brains with positive words has a great impact.

• Exercise! Release those endorphins!

• Get out, go into nature and be present! The feeling of being out and breathing fresh air is unbeatable.

• Sleep. Give yourself and your body a chance to recover and recharge.

Enjoy your life, never mind what others do!!

It's all in the numbers...Men's Health Numbers!

It’s ‘Men’s Health Week’ this week (10 - 16 June) and the focus is on ‘numbers’!

The theme this year focuses on the fact that men (as a generalisation) seem to like (the campaign uses the word ‘obsessed’) numbers!

So they want to raise awareness of some critical numbers.

• 7 ‘must know’ numbers for all men

• 5 ‘statistics’ that we all need to be aware of

Key numbers for men:

• 37 If your waist size is 37 “ or more, you’re at increased risk of heart disease, diabetes & cancer

• 150 Try and do 150 mins of some physical activity each week

• 5 That’s your ‘five a day’ fruit and veg goal

• 14 No more than 14 units of alcohol a week spread over several days

• 10 Years off your life if you smoke (average)

• 120/80 normal blood pressure

• 75 % (3 out of 4) suicides are by men

For those of us wanting to help (Family Focus UK included!)…think about the facts that:

• 1 man in 5 dies before the age of 65

• 2 men in 5 die before the age of 75

• Unskilled working men are 3 times more likely to take their own lives than those in senior management

For men wanting some more information, there’s something called man MOT to challenge you and check your own health: https://www.menshealthforum.org.uk/man-mot-faqs

So, if you are a man or have a man in your life (old or young) please take a look at these numbers and see where you (they) fit in. Do you need to take stock? What can you do to make some changes in your life?

We’re here to help in any way, so let us know if you’d like some more information on any of this.

Time travel...or time travels?

How many times a day do we say the word ‘time’? ‘I’m running out of time’, ‘I don’t have time…’., ‘there’s not enough time in the day’, ‘when was the last time…’, ‘I wish I could go back in time’?

I’ve just had the absolute pleasure of welcoming my nephew into our home, visiting from Auckland, NZ and the first thing that came into my mind was, where has time gone? He is a full grown man now and I still remember him as a young boy. And yet, when we connect again, it’s as if time travels and it’s like yesterday when we were all together again.

What does time mean to you? Do you put things off for a later date - another time? Do you make full use of every moment of time you have and make it count?

In the work that Åse and I do we often come across people who say, ‘yes - we need to do this or that - we’ll do it when we have time!’ And more often than not, the moment passes and it doesn’t get done.

What can you do today that you’ve been putting off? What can you say instead when faced with another of these time issues? How about accepting and committing to a ‘bite-size’ piece of whatever seems to need too much time. For example. Instead of saying to myself, I must find time to go and visit my friend who lives 90 minutes away (which gets put off and put off as I can’t find ‘the time’ to take a whole day out to do this) - I can prioritise a regular call with her for 30 minutes every week so that I make the time to commit to our friendship.

Every time you come across this thought pattern ‘I need more time / I wish I had more time’ - re-frame that thought into, ‘what can I do in the time I have now’? Commit to that and do it! Maybe it’s calling that friend of yours, or doing a parenting or wellbeing course with us? Something that gives you the time to think, enrich your life and connect with yourself and others.

A small bit of time spent on someone/something is more important than waiting for a big chunk of time that never comes!

I hope you agree?

Have a great weekend everyone…take some time for yourself!

Judging a book by its cover

I just saw a vlog on LinkedIn (thanks James) about being judged and how can we stop being so quick to do so.

It made me think about what I have learned in my life and also all the times I have judged someone without really thinking about it. It just happens and it’s scary how easily it does and is accepted.

It is in human nature to look at people and make assumptions. That is why it’s so important that we do consider what kind of impression we want to give in various situations whether it’s work or privately.

To turn up to a job interview in the City wearing jeans and a t-shirt will most probably not make a good impression on a potential employer. Or shorts and a strappy top to a classy restaurant with the future in-laws might be too casual and bare (?!) to some. We do have to judge and enquire if needed about expectations of dress code if we think it’s important to be seen a certain way. This is how we show respect and consideration to others and it is part of being an adult. Some might argue that we shouldn’t have to adhere and everyone should dress however they like but I think, no matter who you are, these values are there and if it matters, dress accordingly.

When it comes to making judgements because of disabilities, ethnicity and sexuality, we have to be taught from a young age about differences. Why they exist and why we need to be considerate and respectful to them. This all comes from home, from school and the environment we live in. Our children learn from us and if we don’t teach them they are at risk to learn something that goes against our beliefs. Of course, they will learn lots from others too and make up their own minds eventually. However, parents are the first teachers and what we show our kids is detrimental to their foundations in being a good human being.

When I grew up in a very ’sheltered’, safe place in Sweden, my parents ensured we learnt about differences by being a host family in the summer to children visiting Sweden with charity organisations. I remember having two boys from Kenya staying with us and they had never used cutlery. Some children didn’t speak English and we had to use sign language. It was very exciting and we learnt a lot.

We were also a respite family to a girl who had various disabilities including being blind and she stayed with us for a weekend a month. To have her with us taught us about disability and how fortunate we were to be healthy. This also led to me and my family becoming a link family here in the UK. For 9 years, a lovely girl with an unusual syndrome, Kabuki syndrome, spent a weekend a month with us. I know my daughters, (despite it being inconvenient to them at times…) learnt to appreciate their lives and help others. They both now volunteer as adults.

Embrace differences, accept them and learn from each other. Behind those facades awaits a possible new friend.

Don’t be so quick to judge, give people a chance to prove otherwise.

We are all human.

Women and our hormones

I’ve been thinking lately about the impact of hormones in our lives. Girls and women have to deal with this from an early age and it impacts very differently from person to person. It’s amazing to think 50% of the population will suffer at some stage to something out of their control.

I do know that men also have hormonal changes but I am pretty sure, us women have the tougher deal…

One thing is for certain though, all women experience something in our lifetime, whether it’s puberty, childbearing years or menopause. Things like period pain, masses of bleeding, PMS, exhaustion, headaches, memory blips, mood swings, acne, weight gain, weight loss (yes, that happens too…), low libido, high libido, skin changes, hair thinning, depression etc. The list is very long!!

These issues can have a massive impact on a woman’s life and everyone around her, yet it’s not something we talk about often enough. A lot of men, in particular those inexperienced with women, have no idea of the battles that go on. Even some men who have female partners are in the dark why their women turn into ‘moody cows’ at times.

I think it’s up to us women to educate the men around us and explain what to expect at times and why it happens. Sometimes we have choices and can control what happens but a lot of the time, we can’t.

The more we talk about it from an early age, to both our sons and daughters, the easier it will be for everyone. Our kids also get to see sides of us we wish they didn’t have to but yet again, talk and explain.

As always, understanding and knowledge is power and we have to help ourselves and our loved ones by taking charge of this. We can’t wait or expect others, like the school or friends, to explain to our men and children.

Also, in a work environment, this is very common. We have to talk to our co workers when needed. They can’t read our minds and understand what is going on. Having said that, please be supportive of the female staff during certain times in their lives. It’s hard enough having to cope with yourself, let alone everyone else around you.

I used to get dreadful hot flushes at any time of the day. In my work, I do 1-2-1 sessions and sometimes a flush would hit me. I’d go red and start to perspire. Not a nice look or feeling. When that happened, I had to explain that it was not about them and their story, but me and my menopause… At least they knew and I felt better for explaining.

Awareness is key. Educate, train and encourage communication. It is needed all around us so get talking!

What is your Love Language?

After a weekend of celebrating the special mother (s) in your life I was really taken with how different people show and express their feelings. This reminded me of the ‘love languages’ that are so often discussed and how I could pinpoint each of these to various people in my life.

One of my children falls clearly under ‘acts of service’, expressing love by offering to help me, do the ironing, cook supper, make me some tea. My other child’s language is ‘quality time’ and my husband is another one entirely. Makes for a very interesting set of languages in our family.

So how do you communicate with those you love?

The Love languages fall into 5 categories:-

1. Words of Affirmation: You communicate by encouraging, affirming, listening and appreciating others. You often send unexpected notes, texts or encouragement.

2. Physical Touch: You are a non-verbal communicator, preferring to express how you feel through your body language and touch. You hug, hold hands and prioritise thoughtful touch.

3. Receiving Gifts: You communicate with purpose and a lot of thought. You make others feel like they are a priority and you’re constantly giving thoughtful gestures, gifts and expressing gratitude.

4. Quality Time: You like uninterrupted and focused conversations, preferably 1-1 and like special moments with those you love. You like to do things together and love getaways.

5. Acts of Service: You like being part of a team with those you love. You like to do things together and often say, ‘I’ll help…’ You are thoughtful and go out of your way to help with chores and workload. It’s important to you to know you and your loved ones are connected.

If you aren’t aware of the different ways love can be expressed maybe you’re missing out on receiving these messages? Think about where you fit in; your partner; children; extended family? Are you picking up their cues through the ways they are communicating and are they picking up yours? Are you a mix of different languages? The more awareness you have the more love and connection you’ll feel.

However you choose to communicate and express love, the most important thing is that you do it! We are constantly being reminded of how tenuous this life is and you never know what’s around the next corner. Don’t let moments pass you by…express your languages of love!

Relationship maintenance

So, my husband and I just had our 30th wedding anniversary. That is a looonngg time.

Looking back, there’s been many highs and many lows. Somehow we’ve managed to get through them and are still, happily, married. I do wonder what makes some relationships last and why others don’t.

Friendships, family relations, work colleagues and our relationships with them takes effort and time. How do we we keep them going? What makes us put in the work necessary with some and not bother with others?

Connection/love is one of our human needs and we all need this to function and live a fulfilled life. To cover this need we search for connection and look for love. When we are in relationships this need has to be topped up regularly in order to be content and able to function.

One thing I think plays a big role in a relationship is common views on life and understanding of where we come from. If our backgrounds are really different, we have to work harder on learning about each other and acceptance of differences. If the love is there, everything is possible.

A partner has a lot to live up to and be accepting of each others’ needs can be difficult at times.

Here are a few tips:

• Communication is essential!

• Talk instead of making assumptions and have expectations they might not be able to live up to.

• Accept different views unless totally unreasonable. Agree to disagree when needed.

• Listen and allow people to speak, don’t interrupt.

• If someone takes all your energy every time you meet, they might not be good for you.

• Friends should give and take, not just take.

• Your children are your children, no matter what. Make sure you always talk to them throughout each stage in their lives. They might not always want to but persist.

• Expect the downs as well as the ups. Happiness is not a constant. Be prepared and make sure your love bank is topped up.

• LAUGH TOGETHER!! With your partner, with your children, with friends and at work. Such an important part of life and it makes living a lot easier.

Have a think about what relationships need more attention in your life. If they are important to you, make an effort even if you feel like you are always the one doing just that. The other person will appreciate it.

Phones and sleep

So, it’s been in the news lately about the connection between mobile phones and sleep deprivation.

In particular, it’s been concerning children and ensuring they get enough sleep which is a national problem, and was highlighted on the BBC news this morning.

We all need our sleep to function properly and children need it even more in order to allow their brains to develop the way it needs to.

There is lots of data and research as far as sleep goes and it’s being done for a reason; sleep deprivation is affecting people everywhere. It’s not just about individuals and their personal needs, it’s very much about us as a society.

Sleep deprivation affects our ability to function properly including concentrating whilst driving and working. Productivity is affected for both adults and children.

Here are the latest recommendations from https://www.sleepfoundation.org

Newborns (0-3 months): Sleep range narrowed to 14-17 hours each day (previously it was 12-18)

• Infants (4-11 months): Sleep range widened two hours to 12-15 hours (previously it was 14-15)

• Toddlers (1-2 years): Sleep range widened by one hour to 11-14 hours (previously it was 12-14)

• Preschoolers (3-5): Sleep range widened by one hour to 10-13 hours (previously it was 11-13)

• School age children (6-13): Sleep range widened by one hour to 9-11 hours (previously it was 10-11)

• Teenagers (14-17): Sleep range widened by one hour to 8-10 hours (previously it was 8.5-9.5)

• Younger adults (18-25): Sleep range is 7-9 hours (new age category)

• Adults (26-64): Sleep range did not change and remains 7-9 hours

• Older adults (65+): Sleep range is 7-8 hours (new age category)

There are a few variables as we do have different needs dependent on fitness levels, weight, health issues etc.

Overall though, we all need to sleep undisturbed to function and allow our brain to rest. This includes leaving phones turned off and preferably away from the bedroom. A child should never have a phone or any electronics in the bedroom as it makes it too easy to be reachable. My daughter was one of them a few years ago, she kept on getting messages from needy friends in the middle of the night and it disturbed her sleep badly. I had to step in and remove it and told her to tell her friends she has the worst mum in the world!

The need to be available 24/7 is creating a society that is unhealthy and stressful. What choices do we have? At what stage do we realise what this is doing to our health?

As parents, we are the adults and decision makers for our children when it comes to knowing what’s best for them. Dare to be the ‘worst parents in the world’ because that comes with being the loving, caring parents we need to be. Boundaries are necessary for a child to learn right from wrong and they will thank you later on!

Is the world different now?

Sunday was Holocaust Memorial Day, on which we remembered the millions of people murdered by the Nazis, and in the genocides since in Cambodia, Rwanda, Bosnia and Darfur.

Most of us know about this and spare a thought every now and then. What a horrendous thing to happen…

How different is the world today? Could this happen again in Europe??

I do wonder at times and it makes me sad to think how narrow minded and easily persuaded us humans are. Some more than others but generally most of us can get convinced of something that feels wrong to start with.

How can this be avoided? What do we need to stay strong in our beliefs and remain decent, caring human beings?

One thing I know is that parents have a massive influence on their children whether they like it or not. The way we bring our children up, show and teach them our values that influences them immensely.

By being role models, showing rather than saying, we teach our kids right from wrong.

This does not stop just because they become teenagers and don’t want to listen. It’s our job and responsibility to continue to be present and pay attention to what are children are doing, who they hang out with and who they ‘meet’ online.

• Be a parent, not a friend.

• Set boundaries and enforce them.

• Be empathic to their problems.

• Support the kids and listen without judging.

• Again, be a ROLE MODEL.

We can if we try, and they are worth it!