Staying home...'love in action'...

We’ve had a great few weeks of delivering webinars focusing on how to find the positives and opportunities to thrive during these times of social isolation. Throughout all the discussions we’ve had a few positives seem to be recurring themes:

• people are exercising more

• people are sleeping longer

• people are feeling more connected to their immediate neighbours and communities

• people are learning more

• many people are enjoying the time at home without the commute to work

• people are feeling more grounded (probably the result of the baking & gardening taking place)

• people are feeling gratitude

Despite individual situations and concerns, these positives are having a direct impact on people’s physical and mental health. Yes, there are frustrations, fears and anxieties - but the leveling playing field seems to be the knowledge that everyone is in this together and no one has been singled out. The current situation is affecting everyone - globally - and this seems to give it a sense of normalcy that helps to reduce escalating anxiety.

I have been supporting a group over the past 8 weeks that has been focused on addressing anxiety and depression with a toolkit of physical activity, mental health and nutrition advice. It has been remarkable to witness the journey that many of the participants have traveled and seen the power that group support and accountability has. A journey I would highly recommend: Recognise, Reset & Rebuild https://www.facebook.com/groups/rrr2020/

This sentiment of ‘we can do this together’ is so fantastically summed up in this saying posted by the COVID-19 response team in Belfast. This was a campaign launched to get people to see that the stay-at-home decree was not the end of the world - but in fact the ‘greatest act of love’ the world has ever seen.

From our point of view - we all need each other even more than ever. We need the human connection, the feeling of community and the tools to manage our mental health and to support those around us.

We’ve just heard that Mental Health First Aid Courses will now be possible to deliver online - so we’ll be offering training from the end of the month for those who want to continue their areas of growth into accreditation as a Mental Health First Aider.

Keep safe!

And the weeks tick by....

We are all now well and truly entrenched in physical and social distancing and for many people this means working from home.   All sorts of new thoughts, feelings and stressors are joining our lives.

In our business, we have really noticed significant changes in the last few weeks from the initial panic and shock and distinct fear that many people were verbalising, to increased anxiety and anger at the situation.  Clients are asking for support for their staff who are feeling increased levels of stress and anxiety with this isolation.  Many are finding the unknown and uncertainty around the end date for COVID-19 extremely unsettling. These feelings parallel the loss cycle that many people experience with grief and understanding this will help you (and others) to normalise these feelings and realise that having such extreme reactions is part of a process of coming to terms with what is no longer.  The important thing is to keep moving through the stages until you are able to find acceptance and a way to move forward.   This requires effort, energy and intention.

There was a very interesting virtual talk (Getahead Festival) last week on stress and how it relates to energy.  How energy cycles in turn feed back into stress and when this stress becomes a ‘struggle’, you are effectively incapable of making clear decisions or having clear thoughts.  It’s imperative to find relief from this struggle in order to close the cycle of stress.  Tools that are essential for this are sleep (where you body and mind can recover from stress); exercise, talking; journaling; touch or hugging; breathing; vision; music or sharing.  Our brain’s natural default is social cognition, so for us to re-group and re-charge, we need to allow it to make these social connections.

Just a few things to think about as we battle on through the coming weeks.

Stay safe and let us know if we can help in any way: ase@mrtconsultants.co.uk

Some practical tips for working @ home...

Amidst all the uncertainty and fear that is prevailing in the UK and world at the moment, working from home is causing additional stressors.

Today, Mental Health First Aid England has launched its ‘Your Whole Self’ campaign with the tag line ‘Bring your whole self to work - wherever that may be’.

it’s a great read with a lot of practical ideas for how to cope in these trying times:

Åse and I will be posting tips and ideas on how to get through the days in isolation or working from home and will be offering webinars to keep teams talking and together.

Get in touch to find out more. ase@mrtconsultants.co.uk www.mrtconsultants.co.uk

Stay safe!

https://mhfastorage.blob.core.windows.net/mhfastoragecontainer/ff373e6e6c68ea11a811000d3ab824df/Supporting%20your%20mental%20health%20while%20working%20from%20home.pdf?sv=2015-07-08&sr=b&sig=jSIp1Eg%2BNTno5qSiUJPzaUYTLggjw%2Fueo4HEhwV%2BaqQ%3D&se=2020-03-18T13%3A17%3A51Z&sp=r

What is the Corona virus threat doing to us?

It’s all around us. The fear of getting ill and/or being away from work, possible financial difficulties. Our elderly and vulnerable getting ill and not surviving. The shops running out of food, no medicine available and getting stuck. The list goes on.

What has the impact been so far? How are you coping with the unknown?

A lot of us have tendencies to catastrophise and expect the worse. What can we do to be in a better headspace?

‘Catastrophising, or catastrophic thinking, is a form of negative thinking where a person thinks the worst about a situation,’ explains cognitive behavioural therapist Marie McGeechan of The Albany Centre. ‘This can lead to unhelpful emotions such as stress or anxiety, and can become a problem if not addressed.’ The tendency to catastrophise can be linked back to early experiences, which shape the way we think. ‘It can also be exacerbated by particular situations and emotional states,’ Marie says. ‘For instance, when we’re feeling depressed, we have a negative view on things which can lead to an increased likelihood of catastrophising. ‘Similarly, if we feel anxious, we tend to overestimate the chances of something bad happening, while also underestimating our ability to cope.’

The skill of living in the now and accepting that we can’t control everything around us is a good one to have.

What is really in your control? How can you help yourself to stay healthy?

I think most of us have read up on all precautions and are doing as much as we can in that regard. So, as far as the mental side of things goes, here is a good article from Psychology today to read as the principal of thinking is the same, no matter what the fear is about:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendship-20/201611/5-ways-stop-catastrophizing

Does honesty in the workplace pay off??

Jeff (not his real name) has a high profile job. He is a senior leader in the organisation with a lot of direct reports. 

For the past year, Jeff has had a physiotherapy appointment every Monday morning and has gone away on two long-distance cycling trips, each lasting three weeks. 

For the rest of the time, he has been present at the office with almost no time off. 

He’s worked long hours choosing to arrive at the office early and leave late. 

But at the start of this year, Jeff has decided to change one thing. His silence.

Don't suffer in silence

He’s decided to speak up about his life – what’s really going on - and make a change.

You see, Jeff was never at the physio on a Monday. 

He was seeing a counsellor about his mental health concerns and in particular his feelings of depression. 

His long cycling trips were made-up stories. 

These were times when he was so low that he couldn’t face being in the office. 

On one of the ‘trips’, he had instead booked himself into a retreat to access support and care.

Why was Jeff not able to speak about this honestly? What barriers and stigma were in his workplace that kept him silent? 

Interestingly, with hindsight, Jeff became aware that he was contributing to the culture of silence in his workplace and realised that he needed to speak up.

So he did.

Jeff brought all of his staff, 190 people, into his circle and made a full disclosure on what he’s been dealing with. 

He held his hand up and said: “I’m battling to cope – all the secrecy and lies are adding too much anxiety and stress to my life.”

He was expecting resistance, rebuttal and recrimination. Instead, he received gratitude, support and a workplace that embraced his transparency and disclosure.

Where he had feared lack of respect, lack of support and a decline in productivity – he actually experienced the opposite. 

His honesty and ‘leading from the top’ allowed others in the organisation to come on board with their own issues and concerns and work together as a team to be the best they can be.

Mental health is something we all have. It is a dynamic, constantly changing state of mind and emotion and affects us all.

How can you help yourself and others to understand and cope with your mental health and wellbeing? What can you do in your workplace to promote positive mental health and reduce the stigma associated with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues?

You can start with knowledge and awareness. 

Learn as much as you can about these issues so that you feel better able to support yourself and others in need. 

Learn what you can do to make your workplace more inclusive and open to conversations around mental health. 

Equip yourself with skills and tools on how to cope and be mindful in this increasingly stressful world.

Family Focus UK's Ase Greenacre and Jenni Cole

Family Focus UK promotes and encourages wellbeing and mental health awareness in the workplace and privately.

It trains Mental Health First Aiders on a two-day fully accredited course with MHFA England. 

It also offers a ‘Champion’ for mental health (one-day training) or workshops on mental health awareness and self and team care in your workplace.

Your trainers will be Ase Greenacre and Jenni Cole, two highly motivated and knowledgeable facilitators with a wealth of experience in coaching, counselling and mental health. 

They are also parenting experts, mothers and wives and female business owners. 

Your session will be packed with activities, tips and tools, laughter and lots of learning.

There are so many things you can do. The trick is to do something. A good start is by signing up to one of Family Focus UK’s courses in Reigate, Surrey.

• Mental Health First Aider (two days): Monday-Tuesday, February 17-18

• Mental Health First Aid Champion (one day): Wednesday, February 26

It's OK to visit the GP...right?

What goes into a decision to access your GP surgery? How ‘easy’ is it for you to decide to make an appointment to see a GP? Most people don’t ponder the decision for long, or think about the pro’s or con’s of getting a physical worry ‘checked out’ (of course actually getting an appointment is another thing!). So why is it that when we consider approaching a medical professional for help or advice with our mental health, we’re often slow to act; reluctant to take that step or weighed down by doubt, stigma or other barriers?

Åse and I are as passionate about our parenting work as we are about mental health and wellbeing - so when I came across this article it really resonated and I wanted to share it:

It’s by Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of Kidscape

If a child’s mental health has been significantly impacted by cyberbullying what are the immediate steps that parents should take?

Go to your GP. If your child had a broken leg you’d be straight to A&E and mental health is no different. Don’t be embarrassed or scared. Bullying can cause anxiety and depression and the sooner you get help the better. Let your child know that you love them unconditionally and acknowledge how the bullying has made them feel. Be patient and create opportunities to connect – even if they’re quiet and withdrawn they need you more than ever.

Encourage them to break contact with the people that are hurting them and spend time (whether it’s face to face or online) with people that make them feel good about themselves. Gentle exercise each day like going for a walk can really help, and any activity that helps them feel calmer.

Help them think about other people that can be a support and encourage them to share how they’re feeling with these people even if they can’t talk to you. Talk together about what needs to happen for the bullying to stop and whether it is worth approaching their school or college for help. Let them know that this will pass and together you will get through it.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Lauren reinforces that the medical profession is there to support and care for our mental health as much as our physical health - so reach out if you need to and ask for help.

More blogs and articles on http://www.familyfocusuk.com/wellbeing-blog

Do I dare to or not?

How do we dare to be open and accepting of others and your own mental health issues? What does it take to feel comfortable with someone at work?

The fear of being judged is very real. The ‘what if’ can often show it self. Am I being looked at differently or treated differently? Do they trust me to do my job properly? Do they think I will be signed off work often?

This is all part of the change of the work and company culture within an organisation. When acceptance starts at the top, the likelihood of acceptance further down is more likely.

So, how can this be done? What does your workplace do at the moment?

According to Mind, if you do decide to tell your employer, think about:

• How and when to do it. It can be helpful to have a note from your doctor to help explain your situation.

• How much information you want to give. You don’t have to go into personal details, just focus on how your mental health problem impacts on your job.

• Whom to share it with. For example, the human resources (HR) department may know your diagnosis, but they don't have to tell your supervisor or colleagues.

There are many people working towards enabling disclosure and openness the same way we talk about other illnesses or disabilities.

How good it would be to have an open discussion about all disabilities and have an understanding and empathy as the norm.

This is what Family Focus UK strives towards. We help companies support their staff to enable an open work culture for acceptance of differences and disabilities. Check out what we offer on: http://www.familyfocusuk.com/mental-health-awareness

I'm tired of New Year's Resolutions! You?

It’s 2020 everyone. Not only a new year but a new decade and the comments on social media are waxing lyrical about New Year’s Resolutions. I’m not sure how you feel about them, but in our household we’ve stopped using this terminology. It feels too cliched for the way we live today - the constant change and rapid development that is taking place around us - and our need to be actively present in our lives.

Åse and I are planning for our year ahead and one of the things we’re talking about is the ‘tick box’ exercise that a lot of Companies do with wellbeing in the workplace. For example, they go all out to provide input for their employees for ‘mental health awareness week’ (this year on 18 - 24 May) but then provide limited resources or continuing education for the remainder of the year.

Focusing on these types of awareness days/weeks is fantastic - and the more companies that get on board and support their employees the better - but we’d like to challenge you that ‘like’ New Year’s Resolutions, this is not a ‘one day, or one-week’ event but something that is revisited time and again and rolled out, changed and adapted throughout the year. Make your resolution to be continually present and responsive this year.

A great starting place is to train Mental Health First Aiders (fully qualified) or Mental Health First Aid Champions who work alongside employees every day and are essential as a listening ear and to signpost where needed.

Maybe you’ve training your staff already, but are in need of a refresher for them? Or have you considered continuing supervision or updates to support them in their MHFAider roles?

If this is on your radar or if you’re making plans for your L & D for 2020, give us a call. We have some very topical workshops/webinars that would be a great value-add for your organisation for this year.

Our next Mental Health First Aid Training Course is running locally in Reigate in February - why not come along and start your new year with a host of new learning and information?

jenni@familyfocusuk.com 07733-434143

Let’s travel the 2020 road together….

Waterpolo anyone?

Growing up in South Africa, water polo was part of our life and culture and I was thrilled when I was able to start a club at my son’s school.

It was fascinating watching a group of boys age 12 - 15 work out how to play. The physical side is a skill set they can learn - but it is the mental side of the game that is the journey.

It soon became apparent that the difference between playing well or poorly was closely linked to the brain matter between their ears. 

Players realised that how they made decisions and mentally executed them was critical.  Were they able to stay calm and composed when under pressure by the opposition?  Did they get too nervous and flounder the ball?   Could they stay focused and let everything else go?  Were they able to keep their concentration levels up for the whole game?  

 When mistakes were made, could they let them go and move on – get their head back into the next series of plays?  Who was letting anger and disappointment disrupt their play and who would berate their fellow players?  So much was seen and experienced in that pool!

 And then there was the social side.

Watching the team bond, watching communication happen and teamwork develop.  Seeing players develop resilience and resistance to opposition challenges.  Players learning how to stay centred and focused on their own game plan.   Seeing self-belief take shape and confidence grow

And the fun!

Waterpolo is fantastic fun. We have loads of laughter, horseplay and interaction throughout the session and watching players climbing out the pool, all I see is a sea of smiling faces.

If you’re not part of a team sport - think about joining one. It is such a positive experience and can have a profound impact on your mood and mental health. Exercise is one of the key ingredients for a healthy mind - and team sports adds another whole level of benefits.

There are so many options to consider -why not try one?

My son in action!

Look out!

I have just been watching the news and a report about the decline in young peoples mental health. It is getting worse by the day. What can be done? How can we help?

One thing is to be aware and understand the signs of mental health issues and know how to approach someone.

Even better is preventative action. The earlier we start talking and creating a trusting relationship, the more we will be in a place to support and help. This involves being present and spending time with the people that matter.

Part of the problem in todays society is the lack of connection as more and more people spend too much time on line rather than talking and be together as families. This is one of the things that keeps on popping up when talking to youngsters, ‘My parents are always busy with other things like being on the their phones or laptops’ ‘They’d rather be online than with me’.

What this really says is that these children or people over all don’t feel significant and important enough to be seen and heard. This has a great impact on their self-esteem which get lower and lower unless dealt with.

Low self-esteem will lead to a person doubting themselves, not being good enough, not being worthy of love and attention. It can also lead to a person making decisions based on the need to be seen and loved rather than what is actually the best decision for them.

So, be aware, pay attention, put away those devices and be PRESENT!!

We are currently delivering MHFA training as well as other relevant topics within Mental health and emotional wellbeing.

For further information please go to:

www.familyfocusuk.com

National Suicide Prevention Day...10 September 2019

Today we are focusing on the worrying rates of suicides in the UK - and worldwide. In the UK 75% of suicides are by men with the age group 40 - 49 at the highest risk. Alarmingly the under 25 age group numbers of suicides has increased by 23.7% in the last year and overall suicides are up by 11.8%. Looking at statistics globally, the World Health Organisation figures show one person dies by suicide every 40 seconds.

6507 suicides were recorded in the UK in 2018 - more than road accidents and wars and we fear this number is probably higher due to the subjectivity in the law around the recording of the cause of death.

It’s extremely worrying and becoming far too prevalent.

Last week, during a delivery of a Mental Health First Aid course, I was speaking to a participant who shared that 3 friends had died by suicide in the last year. All under the age of 25.

It’s real and happening and we have to do something about it.

So what can you do? How can you help with ‘prevention of suicide’?

The most important things you can do are:

Notice other people. Don’t let things slide by. If you notice changes in behaviour or mood or appearances - ask that person how they are feeling. And ask with care, interest and purpose.

Connect with others. People who are considering suicide often feel isolated, alone and desperate. They feel overwhelmed with their thoughts, feelings, troubles and feel that they have ‘no way out’. By connecting with them (which simply means being present and focusing on them) they will not be alone and this may make a huge difference.

Listen to them. Don’t try and fix their problems, or tell them about how you’ve had similar worries, Just listen to them. Be there for them and show genuine care and support.

Encourage them to get support and professional help. There are so many organisations that offer fantastic services and support - a few are listed below:

Samaritans: for everyone  Call 116 123  Email jo@samaritans.org www.samaritians.org

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight daily

Papyrus: Prevention of Young Suicide) under 35 Call 0800 068 41 41 – Mon to Fri 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm  Text 07786 209697 Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline:  for children and young people under 19 Call 0800 1111  www.childline.org.uk

The Silver Line:  for older people Call 0800 4 70 80 90

CALM: (Campaign Against Living Miserably)  0800 58 58 58 www.thecalmzone.net 

The Mix:  Under 25’s  freephone 0808 808 4994 (1 – 11pm) www.themix.org.uk

YoungMinds: Crisis Messenger free, 24/7 mental health crisis support text YM to 85258

And take care of yourself too!

Mental ill health in the workplace. How is it handled at your place of work?

It is great to read about the steps a lot of companies are taking towards supporting their staff with mental ill health. Any step is better than nothing, however, one week a year doesn’t do it. So many companies have their wellbeing week and that is it. What about the support the rest of the year?

The stigma surrounding mental ill health is still prevalent in the majority of companies. According to the research, employees struggling with mental health or other wellbeing issues are unable to concentrate on their job, a symptom known as “presenteeism,” for more than a third of the total scheduled work time (54.95 hours). This adds up to about eight total days per month, and more than twice as much as the typical “healthy” employee. These employees are also absent from work for an average of 7.36 hours per month – almost one full working day and about 5% of all work time.

An employee would rather talk about their stomach bug and their effects than mental health issues!!

To enable communication between managers and staff is vital, in many cases, a matter of life or death.

Thriving at work – a major report on mental health and employers, commissioned by Prime Minister Theresa May – quantifies the impact of mental ill health in the workplace. Poor mental health costs employers between £33bn and £42bn a year. This is in addition to an estimated £37bn to £52bn cost to the economy in lost output and £25bn cost to the government due to reduced tax intake, NHS treatment costs and poor health-related welfare payments.

Placing wellbeing at the core of your HR strategy is the first step to building a mentally healthy workplace. The following checklist can help you and your business to achieve this.

Workplace culture – Build an environment that is open, transparent and empathetic by allowing for flexible working, social outings and more. Openly acknowledge key resources out there such as those from charities including Mind, Rethink and Anxiety UK.

Role modelling – Normalise mental health issues by sharing personal stories, preferably from the top.

Work/life balance – Establish and enforce boundaries at work so your employees know that after work hours are theirs to unwind and disconnect from the daily grind.

Physical wellbeing – Whether by setting up cycle to work schemes in place or something as simple as a running club or meditation hour, try to introduce physical activities as part of your company’s work life. This will give your team the option to incorporate physical well-being into their lives as well.

Peer support and mentoring – It can be hard to open up to colleagues (or worse—your boss!), so by introducing peer counselling you could set the scene for your employees to connect with colleagues in a way that gives them permission to open up and connect over shared experiences. Mentoring programmes where senior members of staff take juniors under their wing could also help create rapport and start a dialogue where they can be their authentic selves at work.

Build strong communications platforms – Internal communication isn’t just a large company’s game. Even when running a startup you can keep the lines of communication open and transparent. Whether it’s through messaging channels like Slack or a weekly meeting, keep everyone on your team in the loop about major work changes to ease their transition. It’s also a great opportunity to praise employees and give kudos when deserved.

Monitor absences – Absences can be a dead giveaway that things may not be smooth sailing for your employees. If an employee is absent or late frequently, it should raise questions about their wellbeing. This could present the opportunity to start an open dialogue about what’s not working for them at work.

Seek employee feedback – Adopt frequent wellbeing checks through formal surveys or informal one-to-one meetings to keep the channel of communication open both ways. Using the data you gather can help you understand where your wellbeing strategy may have gaps from the perspective of your employees.

Review all of your policies at least once a year – Using feedback and monitoring progress of particularly vulnerable employees can help you stay accountable and reinforce your company’

Family Focus UK provide Mental Health awareness workshops and Mental Health First Aid courses amongst other topics. To find out more please go to:

www.familyfocusuk.com

For the full article which was published in Business Advice, please click here:

https://businessadvice.co.uk/hr/employment-law/sme-employers-mental-health/?utm_source=ba_newsletter&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=ba_newsletter_28668&utm_content=ba_story_standard&utm_source=ActiveCampaign&utm_medium=email&utm_content=A+bad+hire+could+cost+your+business+£132%2C000%21&utm_campaign=BA+Newsletter+Daily+15%2F07%2F2019

The 'controversy' of Cannabis?

I came across a link on facebook that had created a lot of controversy (going by the conflicting comments posted). It headlined ‘Cannabis gives teenagers ‘brain damage’ and loss of self-control, study finds’.

“...the adolescent brain may be particularly vulnerable to the effects of substance use, particularly cannabis” Dr Marilyn Cyr

Dr Cyr is the lead researcher from Columbia University in the US. She showed that there was a direct link between adult substance use and problems with drugs and alcohol in adolescence.

This gave me pause for thought as in our mental health work we know that there is a link between drugs (particularly depressants), dependency and mental health concerns. We also know that the teenage brain is a ‘work in progress’ and really susceptible to influences (physical and cognitive). Teenage neural pathways are a hive of activity and development with the frontal cortex only fully developing by the age of 25. This means that teenagers are particularly vulnerable to substance use and by using it ‘recreationally’ in this developmental stage, they may in fact be paving the way for problems later on in life. They are, in effect, ‘wiring’ their brains during development towards this path.

Cannabis is the most widely used recreational drug among teenagers world-wide with vaping growing at an alarming rate. This research is a big step towards directing early interventions that will help manage addictive behaviours.

So what are ‘early interventions’ and what are their goals?

• To reduce potential harms and risky behaviours

• To prevent the behaviour developing into a disorder

• To provide information about substance use risks

• To provide information about normal and safe levels of use

• To provide information on how to quit or cut down on the use

• To be a bridge between prevention and actually receiving treatment

• Could be informal counselling and help with decision making

So we have to ask, could we reduce the numbers of drug and alcohol dependent adults (and by default the presenting mental health issues) if we reduce the use of these substances among teenagers?

Whose responsibility is this? Parents? Schools? Government? NHS?

In our line of work we always come back to the premise that ‘knowledge and awareness is key’. The more information you have about behaviours, choices, cognitive development and life - the better equipped you’ll be to cope with situations and challenges. This is what we work through in our workshops and deliveries to organisations, employees and parents.

For those who argue that Cannabis has value - are you referring to medicinal cannabis use or recreational use? I expect it’s a continuing debate!

Summer and depression

The summer is upon us and it can be lovely, but not for everyone.
Summer is a time where depression and other mental health problems are common. Despite the weather being nicer and seeing people outdoors, this time of the year is tough for many. Being on your own and feeling lonely is even more obvious when seeing all the 'happy' people out and about. Posts on social media from 'amazing' holidays and times with friends and family are on show more than ever. Body image can also be a big issue. The thought of showing your body in summer clothes might be horrifying. The ‘what if someone comments and doesn’t like me’ feelings set in.

Feeling low affects everything around us. Something we normally cope with becomes a huge issue. So what can we do to help ourselves?

• We are all entitled to wear what we like and do what we are comfortable with. Say no and stand tall. It’s OK.

• We have choices about how to structure our days so make sure it is what suits you, not everyone else. If we know our triggers, try to avoid them.

• If summer holidays aren’t your thing, don’t go. Choose another time of the year. Some work mates will appreciate it!

• Most people are too busy thinking about themselves and their lives to notice someone elses' discomfort or how they look. It is more probable that we are caught in a negative thinking pattern which seems real but might not be reality.

• If these feelings have a big impact on life and are regular, ask for help. Therapy is there to assist and improve our lives. Don’t hesitate, it does work for a lot of people.

Be aware of others and their feelings and above all, be inclusive! Loneliness is a tough situation. If we can make a difference to someone, whether at work for lunch or after work drinks, inviting a neighbour, make that call you meant to do or send a text shows that you are thinking of them. The simplest things can make someone feel like they too are important. Kindness is one of them.

And, remember the sunscreen!!

Suicide...such a hard word.

I have had several incidents of suicide cross my path in the last few weeks and it has really brought home how alarming and devastating the effects of suicide are.

The latest figures from MHFA England suggest that over 15 people a day took their lives by suicide in 2016 (Road accidents death is just over 4 people/day). 3/4 of completed suicides are by men with the highest risk group age 40 - 49. But there is very little research about the effects on those left behind. The feelings and thoughts that they will live with on a daily basis. Suicide affects so many people.

I always have a saying that ‘if you know what you have to deal with, and for how long, you can cope with anything’. With suicide, it’s the unknown that eats away at you and leaves you with unresolved issues. When someone you love or know attempts or completes suicide it will affect you in profound ways. Some people will react with an extreme response to the trauma, some will withdrawn, others will act out and engage in risky behaviours. Still others will be left with feelings of guilt and blame and questions that will never be answered. It’s an untenable situation and one that no-one ever wants to be faced with.

So, with such a sensitive topic the guiding principles are: be aware. Take notice. Act and intervene if you are concerned. If you feel there is a risk of suicide - do something. Approach that person, ask them what their intentions are (it has been proven that asking someone if they have a plan for suicide does not encourage or accelerate their action to complete suicide). If you feel they are at risk, get them help. Call for professionals, get them to the GP or A & E, call the mental health crisis team, or CALM or The Samaritans.

If we all start to really notice each other and show care and concern, we can bring this shocking statistic down and save not only the lives on those who are considering suicide, but also the circles of friends, families, colleagues and others around them.

There is lots we can do to help. Start by reading more about the work the Samaritans are doing:

https://www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/research-policy/suicide-facts-and-figures/

Appreciate those in your life and make sure they feel this appreciation. And above all…

Take care.

How does social media affect our wellbeing?

I’ve been thinking about the impact social media has on our wellbeing. It is up and down for a lot of people. A kind of love or hate relationship.

Depending on how you are feeling that time you look on FB or Instagram, what you are reading and seeing can set you up for the day. The tendencies seem to be that the majority of posts are about how great life is, which can be really uplifting and inspiring if you are in that mindset.

However, if you are a bit low and things aren’t going as well as you’d like in your own life, reading about others ‘perfect’ lives can be depressing and sometimes hurtful. Seeing photos from an event or gathering with lots of your friends and you were not included can be one of those hurtful moments.

The lives of our online friends can seem so different and more exciting and successful than ours. But are they really? What goes on behind those facades?

There has been a lot in the news about suicides amongst not only youngsters but also adults. Has this digital world got anything to do with this increase in deaths?

So how do we live with this phenomena? How can we handle our social media without allowing it to get us down?

I think self-esteem plays a big part. If our self-esteem is high, we can handle situations and rationalise feelings much better. We are able to push those thoughts aside and see that what is presented is not always what it seems. Also, even if it is amazing, we can be happy for those involved and not jealous.

Envy is fine, we all would like some things we don’t have but that is OK, this is life. Kids today need to learn from an early age that life is not always fair, it can’t be the same for everyone. Study, work and do your best to create the life you want to live.

So, here are a few tips on increasing our self-esteem:

• Write a gratitude diary every night. I know it sounds funny but it is all part of feeding our brains with positivity.

• Challenge any negative thoughts that pop in to your head. “Is this really true?”

• Use mantras. “I can do this” , “I am a good person”, “ I am worthy”, yet again, feeding our brains with positive words has a great impact.

• Exercise! Release those endorphins!

• Get out, go into nature and be present! The feeling of being out and breathing fresh air is unbeatable.

• Sleep. Give yourself and your body a chance to recover and recharge.

Enjoy your life, never mind what others do!!

Time travel...or time travels?

How many times a day do we say the word ‘time’? ‘I’m running out of time’, ‘I don’t have time…’., ‘there’s not enough time in the day’, ‘when was the last time…’, ‘I wish I could go back in time’?

I’ve just had the absolute pleasure of welcoming my nephew into our home, visiting from Auckland, NZ and the first thing that came into my mind was, where has time gone? He is a full grown man now and I still remember him as a young boy. And yet, when we connect again, it’s as if time travels and it’s like yesterday when we were all together again.

What does time mean to you? Do you put things off for a later date - another time? Do you make full use of every moment of time you have and make it count?

In the work that Åse and I do we often come across people who say, ‘yes - we need to do this or that - we’ll do it when we have time!’ And more often than not, the moment passes and it doesn’t get done.

What can you do today that you’ve been putting off? What can you say instead when faced with another of these time issues? How about accepting and committing to a ‘bite-size’ piece of whatever seems to need too much time. For example. Instead of saying to myself, I must find time to go and visit my friend who lives 90 minutes away (which gets put off and put off as I can’t find ‘the time’ to take a whole day out to do this) - I can prioritise a regular call with her for 30 minutes every week so that I make the time to commit to our friendship.

Every time you come across this thought pattern ‘I need more time / I wish I had more time’ - re-frame that thought into, ‘what can I do in the time I have now’? Commit to that and do it! Maybe it’s calling that friend of yours, or doing a parenting or wellbeing course with us? Something that gives you the time to think, enrich your life and connect with yourself and others.

A small bit of time spent on someone/something is more important than waiting for a big chunk of time that never comes!

I hope you agree?

Have a great weekend everyone…take some time for yourself!

Why is listening and sharing so important?

This week is Mental Health week and I thought I’d write about the secret battles a lot of people are facing.

The stigma around mental health problems is still big even though it is getting better. A lot of people are working hard to get the message through to companies that they are part of the problem and need to become part of the solution. The more we talk, the more people dare to open up. There are some brilliant movements going on like Minds @ work and the Leaderboard, created by Rob Stephenson at Inside-out.org, which publishes names of leaders who are open about their Mental Health issues. It shows great leadership to share difficulties and real life issues as it enable others to speak up. This is what is needed; real people, real problems and no fear in sharing.

As a counsellor, I worked with many people who did not talk to anyone around them. The fear of being judged and seen as weak was too great. The relief of being able to open up was evident as was the progress of a lot of clients that finally had someone that listened. Listening is a great skill and we just don’t teach this enough.

When a person is heard, they feel understood, acknowledged, validated, significant and seen. How can we ensure that our nearest and dearest and ourselves understand this and are able to share?

How can we create trust with our children to enable talking? The emphasis on communication can’t be talked about enough. It’s the basis of every relationship we have whether at home or at work. Misunderstandings happen too easily and are not clarified often enough.

If in doubt or not clear about what someone is actually saying; ASK!!

Stop making assumptions that people ought to know and how can they not?!

Start talking and actually listen. The effort can make a huge difference!

Women and our hormones

I’ve been thinking lately about the impact of hormones in our lives. Girls and women have to deal with this from an early age and it impacts very differently from person to person. It’s amazing to think 50% of the population will suffer at some stage to something out of their control.

I do know that men also have hormonal changes but I am pretty sure, us women have the tougher deal…

One thing is for certain though, all women experience something in our lifetime, whether it’s puberty, childbearing years or menopause. Things like period pain, masses of bleeding, PMS, exhaustion, headaches, memory blips, mood swings, acne, weight gain, weight loss (yes, that happens too…), low libido, high libido, skin changes, hair thinning, depression etc. The list is very long!!

These issues can have a massive impact on a woman’s life and everyone around her, yet it’s not something we talk about often enough. A lot of men, in particular those inexperienced with women, have no idea of the battles that go on. Even some men who have female partners are in the dark why their women turn into ‘moody cows’ at times.

I think it’s up to us women to educate the men around us and explain what to expect at times and why it happens. Sometimes we have choices and can control what happens but a lot of the time, we can’t.

The more we talk about it from an early age, to both our sons and daughters, the easier it will be for everyone. Our kids also get to see sides of us we wish they didn’t have to but yet again, talk and explain.

As always, understanding and knowledge is power and we have to help ourselves and our loved ones by taking charge of this. We can’t wait or expect others, like the school or friends, to explain to our men and children.

Also, in a work environment, this is very common. We have to talk to our co workers when needed. They can’t read our minds and understand what is going on. Having said that, please be supportive of the female staff during certain times in their lives. It’s hard enough having to cope with yourself, let alone everyone else around you.

I used to get dreadful hot flushes at any time of the day. In my work, I do 1-2-1 sessions and sometimes a flush would hit me. I’d go red and start to perspire. Not a nice look or feeling. When that happened, I had to explain that it was not about them and their story, but me and my menopause… At least they knew and I felt better for explaining.

Awareness is key. Educate, train and encourage communication. It is needed all around us so get talking!