The privilege of being a parent....

I read a very humbling article the other day about a parent who, through a change in circumstances, was able to fully appreciate just how privileged we are to be able to call ourselves parents.

On the back of this article she challenged all of us to change a few words in our minds when we do that 'self-talk' thing we all do about how busy we are and how many demands are being made on us as parents.

Here's her thought:  to replace the “have to” with the words “get to”.  Those two simple words – “get to” – have the power to transform our perspective on parenting:

You get to pack lunch for the kids.

You get to take them to school.

You get to take them to the doctor and to their after-school activities.

You get to be their chef, their chauffeur, and their event planner.

No matter how many things are on our lists for the day, try and spare a moment to remember that having that list is because you are blessed to be a parent - and the time when you are the centre of all your children's needs is limited and passes quickly. 

So the next time you feel under pressure to get everything done, or feel that there are too many demands on you, switch 'I have to' with 'I get to' and see if that helps how you feel about your parenting!

Now I get to go and wake my kids up for school - lucky me !

Sexual harassment amongst teens. What do we do about it??

Not enough is the answer as far as I see it!

Most of us growing up in the 60s, 70, and 80s experienced this on a regular basis and just accepted is as part of life and the difference between men and women. I was attacked, groped and verbally assaulted but it was only after the attacks that I called the police. Not that anything was done about it but I did call... This is not good enough, we need to stand up for our children and their future. I know now that I didn't do this as well as I should have.  Luckily my daughters knew better and are teaching me. They are two strong, proud, young women today and out there bringing awareness to others including their parents. 

PLEASE READ!

Below is part of the article: 'Sexual harassment among teens is pervasive. Here are 6 ways parents can help change that.' By Alison Cashin and Richard Weissbourd.

As parents, we need to do better. We need have specific conversations with our teens about what misogyny and sexual harassment mean, why they are so harmful, and how to combat them. Below are six tips for parents for engaging in meaningful, constructive conversations.

1. Define the problem.

Why? Many teens and young people don’t know the range of behaviors that constitute misogyny and sexual harassment. Adults need to explain what these violations mean and provide specific, concrete examples.

Try this. Start by asking your teen or young adult to define misogyny and sexual harassment and to give you examples of each of these violations. Clarify any misunderstandings and provide common examples of harassment and misogyny, such as commenting on someone’s clothes or appearance when those comments might be unwanted. Ask teens to carefully consider what it might be like to be subject to comments like these. You can use our data to explain, for example, that while many men think catcalling is flattering to women, many women are frightened and angered by it. Make it clear that boys and girls can harass, and that even if the words or behaviors are intended as a joke, they risk scaring and offending others.

2. Step in and stick with it.

Why? If you’re the parent or guardian of a teen, chances are you’ll encounter a sexist or sexually degrading comment from them or their friends or peers. Yet too many adults stay silent when this happens. Passivity not only condones these comments, it can also diminish young people’s respect for us as adults and role models. Even if teens can’t absorb or act on our words in the moment, they often still register our words and internalize them as they mature.

Try this. Think about and consult with people you respect about what you might say if your teen uses a word like “bitch” or “hoe.” How might you react in a way that really enables your teen to absorb your message? You might ask questions that any thoughtful human is hard-pressed to answer affirmatively: “Why is this a way that you and your friends bond?” Consider what you might say if your teen says, “We’re just joking” or “You don’t understand.” You might explain how these types of jokes can come to infect how we think and act towards others and be interpreted by others as permitting and supporting sexual harassment and degradation. Talk to young people about the importance of listening to and appreciating their peers of different genders as a matter of decency and humanity, and work with them to develop empathy from a young age.

3. Teach your child to be a critical consumer of media and culture.

Why? Many young people are raised on a steady diet of misogyny and sexual degradation in popular culture but have never critically examined the media they consume or the cultural dynamics that shape their lives. You may be with your teen in the car and hear sexually degrading song lyrics or be together when you learn about an episode of sexual harassment in the news. It is vital that we speak up and help our children become mindful, critical consumers of this information.

Try this. Ask how your teen interprets something you’re hearing or watching that you find sexually degrading. Does your teen find it degrading? Why or why not? If you disagree, explain why you think the portrayal is harmful. Point out how misogyny and gender-based degradation in popular culture can be so common that they seem normal and can begin affecting our relationships with others in harmful ways. If you’ve had an experience similar to what you’re listening to or watching, such as being harassed on the street or in your workplace, and it’s age-appropriate to share with your teen, discuss it and talk about how it made you feel.

4. Talk to your child about what they should do if they’re sexually harassed or degraded.

Why? Many teens don’t know what to do if they’re harassed or degraded with gender-based slurs, whether it’s being called a “slut” or “bitch” jokingly by a friend or being harassed by someone they don’t know. It’s vital for us to help our children develop strategies for protecting themselves and reducing the chances of the offender harming others.

Try this. Ask your if they have ever been harassed or degraded with sexualized words or actions and how they’ve responded. If they haven’t had these experiences, ask them what they think they would do in different situations. Does this differ from what they think they should do? We don’t always do what we should. Discuss how they can get from “would” to “should” by exploring the pros and cons of various strategies for responding. Would they feel comfortable confronting the person harassing them, confronting the harasser with a friend, talking to a teacher or a school counselor, or talking to you or another respected adult? Consider role playing so they can explore strategies. Brainstorm with your child ways of responding in various contexts.

5. Encourage and expect upstanding.

Why? As ethical parents, we should expect our teens to protect themselves when they’re harassed or degraded, but also to protect one another. Because they understand peer dynamics, are more likely to witness harassing behaviors and often have more weight than adults in intervening with peers, young people are often in the best position to prevent and stop sexual harassment and misogyny among their peers. Learning to be an “upstander” is also a vital part of becoming an ethical, courageous person. Yet upstanding can be risky — perpetrators can turn on upstanders. That’s why it’s important to brainstorm strategies with young people for actions that protect both them and the victim.

Try this. Talk to your teen about the importance of being an ally to peers who are subjected to harassment or misogyny. You might start a conversation by asking, for example, what they would and should do if a friend is the target of different types of harassment. What about a peer who is not a close friend? Talk about what might stop them from intervening in these situations, brainstorm various strategies, or do a role play. Think through the specific words they might use.

6. Provide multiple sources of recognition and self-worth.

Why? Young people can be especially vulnerable to degradation and harassment if they’re highly dependent on romantic and sexual attention and on peer approval. Many young people are also vulnerable because they have lower social status or are marginalized among their peers. LGBTQIA youth may be especially vulnerable in this respect.

Try this. Encourage and support your teen in engaging in activities that build their confidence that don’t involve romantic or sexual attention or approval from peers. These activities might involve the arts, sports, or service to others. Talk to young people about solidarity and taking collective action against harassment and degradation. Sometimes girls and young women in particular can demean and undercut each other in the context of romantic and sexual relationships, and it’s important to underscore the power of standing together. This can be another important source of self-worth.

Who's the boss ?

Have you got a ‘terrible tyrant’ at home?  Do you feel like your toddler or teen rules the roost?

Try to think of your home like a workplace and engage your brain to support your parenting style to create a work space that works for you.

A lovely term to describe this is, ‘Parenting up without patronising’.

It all comes down to your approach to discipline – or your lack thereof!  Every parent will know that if you let your child do something once, they’ll do it again.  It’s about management and discipline.  Work out what lines you won’t cross, and stick to them!  No matter how distressing the behavioural objections from your child.

Here are some strategies: -

Stay calm. If your ‘young boss’ is throwing a tantrum don’t get caught up in it.  It’s not a negotiation.  Be the adult and stay calm.

Anticipate problems. Children like routine; they want to know what to expect and when.  You’ll avoid a lot of problems if you give a heads-up to potential conflicts.

Use Humour.  As the adult, you have the advantage of great vocabulary, experience and being able to see the bigger picture.  Keep a sense of humour and you’ll be amazed at how it can diffuse a tense situation. With teens though, be careful not to patronise or belittle with sarcastic humour!

Give choices. Stay away from yes or no questions.  Give choices between 2 desirable options (i.e. the green top or the red top – rather than a top or no top)

Praise.  Counter negativity with positivity.  Trust us…it works!

Model good behaviour. Manage up by example. Take an honest look at your own behaviour to ensure you’re not a terribly boss too!

Keep it brief. Young kids have the attention span of…slightly longer than flies. Especially with teens – keep it short and simple – no lectures!

Give the full picture. As often as possible give reasons for your decisions.  Age appropriate of course – but a simple ‘no’ with no reason is a red flag to most kids.

Set boundaries. Know what you’re willing to tolerate - and get involved when you need to.  Don’t say ‘later’ or ‘when dad gets home’.  Deal with things as they happen.

What is anxiety? How can I help my child?

Anxiety is something most of us have had or suffer with on a regular basis. It's scary, stressful and it can be absolutely debilitating. When you are told to 'just get on with it' or 'get a grip' or 'it will be ok', it doesn't help. Any adult who has dealt with this, knows what it's like. 

It's the same for our kids, they need to be heard and we need to acknowledge that their fear is real. What can we do do to help?

I just read this blog and think it's worth a read so here it is:

When Your Child’s Anxiety is Making You Anxious: Repeat These 22 Phrases

April 3, 2017 by Renee Jain

As parents, we have a natural tendency to reach out to our children when they are anxious, scared, or stressed. What none of us can anticipate is how our children’s anxiety will cause us to feel anxious, helpless, hopeless, angry, or desperate. The next time your child is ridden with anxiety, repeat any of these phrases. You will be surprised that your child will likely mirror your reaction.

1. This too shall pass. Like all emotions, anxiety will pass. Our bodies cannot physiologically maintain the heightened level of awareness caused by anxiety for very long. Chances are that waiting ten to fifteen minutes will result in a change in anxiety levels.

2. Anxiety serves a purpose. Oftentimes we treat anxiety like there is something wrong with our child. In fact, anxiety serves an important biological function to keep us safe. Teaching your child to differentiate between anxiety that will help and anxiety that will hinder her/him is a valuable life skill.

3. Breathe. Deep breathing actually reverses the body’s stress response. When we are anxious, we tend to take shallow breaths. Taking three conscious, deep breaths will alleviate much of our anxiety.

4. We are on the same team. Have you ever watched two basketball players going for a rebound, fighting each other tooth and nail, only to realize they are on the same team? Remember, you and your child are on the same team and have the same goals.

5. I am my child’s guide. Remind yourself that your role is not to control the challenges your child will face but rather to be her/his guide through the experiences.

6. Observe. Observe. Observe. Instead of “doing something,” simply observe what is happening like an outsider. See if there are commonalities in your observations. By identifying triggers, you can help your child cope with them, thereby limiting your own sense of helplessness.

7. The only way to get across this swift, deep river is to go through it. Allow your own feelings, even if they are dark, to arise and pass. If this experience is like a river, it means there is also a riverbank waiting for you.

8. Stick to the routine. Anxious children thrive on predictability. You may not be able to do anything about the trigger, but you can reinforce the routine. Bedtime, family rituals, and morning routines center our children, better preparing them for the outside world.

9. Meditate. At our darkest moments, hope is rekindled simply by taking the time to be still and focus on our breath for a few moments.

10. Help is available. Hopelessness usually means you have exhausted your ability to deal with your child’s anxiety. Having another set of eyes on the situation may make all the difference in the world. Whether a professional counselor, a relative, or another trusted adult, turn to those in your child’s circle for help.

11. My child’s anxiety is not a reflection of my parenting. Stop questioning whether you should or could have done something differently with your child. Focus rather on what you can do as their guide through their challenges.

12. What would make my child laugh right now? Whether it’s a funny noise, a silly story, or singing the wrong words to a favorite song, laughter is the fastest way to make you both feel better.

13. I’m going to take a break. It’s okay to take five minutes of quiet time or put yourself in a place to reconnect with yourself when you are feeling angry. Not only are you modeling appropriate behavior, but you also have a chance to take a few breaths and remind yourself of a few of these phrases.

14. I love you. I’m here for you. Your children will experience stress that they cannot control. They will receive an injection, perform in front of an audience, and face challenges. Reminding them that you love them and are here for them is reassuring, not just for them but for you as well.

15. In this moment, right now, what can I do to reboot my well-being? Some days it will be getting ice cream; others it will be going for a run. Whatever it is, make a long list for yourself that you can reference when you need it.

16. She/he does not know how to deal with this. Frustration over our children’s anxiety can sometimes result from forgetting that they are trying to learn how to navigate a world of unknowns. Regardless whether their fear is rational, or of how many times you have been through this, ask yourself how you can be their guide.

17. I am on a beach. There is a reason why guided imagery is used during labor and delivery to reduce pain. It works! Imagine yourself in a soothing, happy place before you speak.

18. I am the adult. Simply remind yourself that you are the adult; you have the power to remain calm and provide heart-centered advice to de-escalate an anxious situation.

19. My job is to help my child become a functioning adult. When you put it into perspective, you must teach your child how to acknowledge, reduce, and wade through anxiety if she/he is to be a functioning adult. Suddenly, when your anxious child is crying about going to school, you can approach the problem as just that—a problem to be solved.

20. I have control over my reaction. Ultimately, the only person you can control is you. Govern your feelings, control your reactions, and then help your child learn to do the same. You can teach your child the art of emotional self-regulation by modeling it.

21. Progress is never linear. Coping with anxiety is not a linear process. It takes time and practice for you and your child. Don’t assume you are at square one when you experience a setback.

22. I’m doing the best I can. In this moment, with the tools you have, you are doing the very best you can. Some days your reaction to your child’s anxiety may be cool, calm, collected, empathetic, and thoughtful—on other days, perhaps not as much. We are all a work in progress, and you are doing the best you can.

Getting our teens to adulthood….

 All parents know that the teen years are crucial.  Your teen needs to explore and mature and navigate the world, but as adults, we know just how much there is to trip them up.  How do we help?  How do we ‘not smother’ them but still protect our children?  

Here are some ideas:-

 1.    Share the ‘spread your wings’ journey with your teen

Healthy teens will start to spread their wings and you need to help them navigate these new waters.  Share mistakes you’ve made in a way that helps them make good choices.  Avoid negative lectures on ‘when I was young’ or ‘lessons learned’.  Allow them to slip up and help them face the consequences of decisions they make.

 2.    Don’t mistake intelligence and talent for maturity

If you're blessed with a child who is academically brilliant or a sports star, don’t presume that means they are automatically mature and ready to face the world.  Even if they are comfortable being the lead in a school play, doesn’t mean that they feel confident about themselves in the world.  There is no ‘magic age’ when they are responsible and mature.  Each child will develop at their own pace and in their own way.  Be careful of comparing children against each other or against your own development.  If you feel your child isn’t keeping up with their peers that may just be their timing – or it may be something you are doing to hold them back.  Give it some thought.

3.    Practise what you preach

It is your responsibility as a parent to model the life you want your children to live.  Teach them to be dependable and accountable both for their words and their actions.  In your home – you are the leader – act like it!  Be honest, make ethical choices, don’t cut corners and demonstrate a good work ethic.  Don’t be scared to admit failings, to say sorry or to ask for help.  Your child needs to learn from the very best (you!) how to do this for themselves…

Some final tips:-

1.         Talk about the issues you wish you'd known about adulthood.

2.         Aid them in matching their strengths to real-world problems.

3.         Initiate (or simulate) adult tasks like paying bills or making business deals.

4.         Introduce them to potential mentors from your network.

5.         Help them envision a fulfilling future, and then discuss the steps to get there.

Talking about the sensitive stuff

What is the sensitive stuff we need to talk about? 

There are lots of topics we might find hard to approach with our kids. Sex, drugs, alcohol, body image and relationships are all things we need to think about how to and when to talk about in a good way.

Our kids are growing faster than ever and with this also comes staying ahead of it all by being informed, aware and not afraid to talk.

When discussing this with parents, some think it's all too soon and why should we talk to the kids about sex earlier than we did as children?

The unfortunate truth is that they will find out one way or the other and as far as I am concerned, I'd rather be the one who tells them in a way I think is appropriate. 

They will still be exposed at various times but at least, if they have heard it from us parents, they might be able to process and understand things in a better way. Also, saying no and I don't want to see or hear this, can become a possibility.

Knowledge and awareness is key to all of us and the sooner we dare to tackle these topics with our kids, the stronger they become in handling the situation.

There is a lot of information available so go on, become an informed and aware parent!!

A good article here: http://seacoast.citymomsblog.com/child-safety/4-safety-talks-every-age-lets-talk-sex-drugs-guns-strangers/

Also, check out our workshops on various topics www.familyfocusuk.com 'Reigate workshops' that are all relevant to being an informed, prepared and aware parent! Be the best you can be!!!

Are we crippling our children?

I read a very interesting article recently that featured in Forbes Leadership about the ‘Crippling Parenting Behaviours That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders’.  Here are some of the key points.

1.    We don’t let our children experience risk

We spend our lives warning our children about danger and protecting them from possible harm.  We are so health and safety conscious that we often prevent our children from learning how to cope with pain, emotion or risk – essential adult skills.

2.    We rescue too quickly

Life skills that we had to learn 30 years ago are now just a touch of a button away and many children are not learning how to basic problem solve.  Don’t keep rescuing them or parenting for the short-term; think about your long term goals to equip your children with adult skills.  So, the next time your child leave his sports bag at home, don’t rush it up to school, let them problem solve their way out of the problem.

 3.    Don’t over-praise

Praise is great – but it must have value.  If you ‘rave’ about each and everything your child does, your praise will soon lose its value and not mean as much. Especially if it’s always about ‘trophy’s and success’.  They will also start to notice that only mum and dad are singing my praises and this could affect their self-esteem and they become ‘conditioned’ to expect continuous praise.  Use praise wisely and carefully and not always in connection with outcomes – something praise behaviour and kindness and manners too!

 4.    Guilt is not a good leader

Your child doesn’t have to love you every single minute.  Saying ‘no’ or ‘not now’ and teaching them delayed gratification are essential skills.   Don’t use material rewards continuously and it is OK for one child to receive something over another – that happens in life too!

Some final tips:-

1.         Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.

2.         Discuss the consequences if they don’t achieve certain goals

3.         Get them to do projects that require patience, so they learn to delay gratification.

4.         Teach them that life is about choices and trade-offs; they can’t do everything.

5.         Celebrate all the progress they make on their childhood journey

Resisting rest? Why?

There seems to be a resistance to rest amongst today's busy parents. Why is that?

Our lives are so full-on in todays society and I wonder what choices do we actually have?

Do the kids have to have activities every day? Do the parents have to entertain and occupy the kids most of the time? What are we teaching them by doing this? Who actually benefits in the long run?

Having down time and enough rest is instrumental to our health. Without it our immune systems are compromised which can lead to illnesses and generally feeling unwell. 

Sleep deprivation is a modern day health issue that affects many adults and children. The impact on work and school is immense and we need to take charge of this. 

Having boundaries and no electronics in the bedroom after a certain time is a start. Routines during school time is also important. Research shows that the children who sleep properly every night also perform better at school as well as adults who sleep their 7-8 hours per night also perform better at work. Our brains need the rest to take onboard what has been learnt and experienced that day. We say 'I need to sleep on it' about some decisions and there is a good reason for that. 

What do we need to make it ok to have down time for no reason other then just feeling like it? Having a cuppa and a conversation is a great way to relax together or on your own.

Enjoy each others company and just be. That is a treat!

Sensory Overload Anyone?

Do you ever feel like your child is becoming overwhelmed by lights, sounds, activity or even you?  Do you worry that they are ‘not coping’ with everything happening around them – or not reacting the same way as other children?

Here are a few signs that may indicate your child is battling with sensory stimuli:-

• Crying
• Quick change of mood
• Irritability
• Nervous 
• Strange behaviour (holding their ears; hiding their face; running away from the situation)
• A blank or removed expression on their faces
• Rocking back and forth or even knocking their heads against a wall
• Falling asleep unexpectedly
• A strange ‘keening’ sound with agitation

If you notice any of these behaviours – make some changes to your child’s environment: -

·        Keep it calm and simple.   Slow down!

·        Keep the TV and radio off or on low volume

·        Stay away from big crowds or busy playgrounds/shops

·        Plan ‘sensory’ activities (clothes shopping/dentist etc) when your child is at their best (after meal time and naps)

·        Talk.  To everyone involved with your child and work together.

·        Hold your child in a tight bear hug or wrap them up in a big towel so they feel contained and ‘held’ when they are becoming overwhelmed.

·        Create a ‘calm corner’ for them in the house with pillows, a tent for darkness or anything else that will make them feel safe and calm.

Remember:  Sensory Overload does not mean there is something wrong with your child.  But it may mean you need to learn more about it to help your child cope better.  If the behaviour persists, please talk to a health professional as your child may be on the spectrum for sensory processing disorder.

Scaredy cat?

To get scared at times is normal and needs to be acknowledge. In fact, to acknowledge fear is even more important as that is an indicator that tells us to watch out. Flight or fight? Our kids need to learn to listen to their instincts and act accordingly.

When children get scared they learn to understand risk, evaluate threat and manage emotions. By helping them to understand what fears are, we can help to them to prepare to handle situations that might come their way.

Here are some tips:

1. Explain that fear is a normal part of being a person.  Tell kids that all adults (including their mum and dad) get scared sometimes.  Explain what happens in the body when you get scared – the heart beats fast, the breathing increases and the hands might shake a bit.   

2. Remember that children get scared of all kinds of things that as adults we don’t usually fear. Most of these fears will disappear by themselves.  Generally, fears do not signal any “deeper issue”.

3. When children tell you they are afraid of something, try not to respond with “that’s silly, everything is fine” or “there’s nothing to be afraid of”.  Although we mean this to be reassuring, these statements can send a message that children should NOT experience fear and there is something bad about feeling like this. 

4. Instead, at least on some occasions, ask children more about how they feel.  Ask specific questions like: what makes them scared and what they wish they could change.  Then tell them that you are sorry they feel worried and that you love them and will be there for them.  This doesn’t need to be a drawn out conversation but simply take one or two minutes to talk with them. Sometimes you won’t have time or the energy for this and that is okay too.  

5. Some childhood fears can be dealt with by accommodating the child’s wishes.  For example, it is fine for children to have a nightlight for as long as they want one, for them to come home after playing at a friends’ house rather than sleeping over, for them to not have to pet dogs, to not have to go to the circus or watch television shows they find disturbing. Children should not “have to learn” to be brave with issues that can be easily avoided.  They will have to learn to deal with many unavoidable fears soon enough, it is quite acceptable for them to be spared some of their fears.

6. However, certain fears do interfere with life and are less easily avoided.  For example, sometimes fears of school, being with other children, not doing things perfectly, parents being hurt and so on start to stop children from being involved in important parts of life (eg, school, socialising, and play). For these fears, try to help children learn “brave behaviour”.  Think about the kinds of things you want your child to do in those situations, break these actions into steps and teach these skills in the same way you teach children to use a knife and fork.  Ask children to act brave just a little at a time, be patient, and reward each step they make.   The key is to focus on encouraging confident behaviour (eg, being at a friend’s house for increasing amounts of time) and not focus on feelings (eg, how anxious the child feels).  The child needs to learn that they can “be” brave, even when they are not “feeling” brave.

7. We often fear what we don’t understand and so much is new to children. It can often help to give children some sense of understanding and “control” over things they fear. When children appear afraid, acknowledge the feeling but then help them explore the source of their fear with your support. For example, if your child is startled by loud noises, say “it looks like that noise frightened you; let’s go together to see what it is”. Invite children to come closer to look with you when they are ready and help them experiment with the thing they fear with your support to help them feel braver (eg, turn on and off the vacuum cleaner, turn the volume up and down, press the noisy toy to see what it does). 

8. We need to be careful that we do not accidentally reward or reinforce “scared” behaviour in children.  If we always pay a great deal of attention to a child who is talking in a frightened voice, if we seem anxious ourselves about a child being scared, then we send two subconscious messages to this child: (1) “I am particularly interested in you when you are worried.” (2) “Being worried is wrong and we must change this”. These messages are not helpful.  This does not mean ignoring a child’s fears, but it does mean making sure it is not the only time children get our full attention.

9. It is important to help children think through their fears rather than always reassuring them ourselves.  If a child can come up with a reassuring statement on their own, they are more likely to believe it than if they have just heard it from a parent.  To help children come up with their own reassuring statements, ask them questions like:  hmm, IF that did happen, how would you handle it?  Do you think that is likely to happen or not very likely to happen?  Do you think that there is some other way of thinking about that? and so on.  

10. Remember that helping kids deal with fear (and other emotions) is a life long quest.  Try to be patient.

Good luck!!

It's OK to do nothing.....

It's been weeks and weeks of holidays and there are still more to come.  Are your kids starting to whine and moan - get under your feet?

Instead of jamming these last few weeks with more 'things to do' - remember that it's also OK to do nothing.

Because 'doing nothing' - isn't really doing nothing.  If you are living and breathing and talking you are doing something.  If you've ever caught yourself saying 'do something useful' to your child - have a stop and think what you are really saying.  'Useful' implies the future - of use to you for some future benefit - but what about now?  Today?  This moment?

Try to lead by example to show your children that to live in the moment with all your senses being savoured can actually make you feel alive and that's OK.  That being 'aimless', 'restless' or even 'bored' can actually spark a part of your brain that leads to creativity and imagination.  

Why do authors, artists, creative minds like to go for walks or hole themselves up in retreats? It's because allowing yourself to 'not think' often leads to great thoughts!    Many people will find creative and unusual ways to escape boredom that would never have entered their minds if they hadn't been bored in the first place.  And aimless thinking helps to stop tunnel vision if you are too focused or intent on one goal.  If you have no set end in mind - you allow your mind and yourself to explore ideas and options.

And remember, our brains and our children's brains need downtime.  We all need time to recharge; to process, consolidate and reinforce what's come before.

So do nothing!  Who knows what you'll end up doing !

Oh Sunny Days....

We’re almost ½ way through the holidays and the sunny days are still possible – so keep your children as busy as possible with outdoor activities.  Here are a few to try:-

• Create a garden or a fairy garden.  Let your children document the creation by taking pictures and keeping a journal of how the plants/herbs are growing.  Plant seeds together and watch them grow.

• Build a house:  Gather old cardboard boxes, coloured paper and go for it.  The house can be for lego characters, dolls, handmade people or even garden insects!

• Feed the butterflies.  There are loads of ideas on the internet of how to encourage butterflies into your garden and how to feed them and keep them coming back to you.

• Older kids:  Make a sun dial/sun clock outside – get them to figure it out!

• Camp outside – with dad and mum if needed – or if they are older on their own or with friends.

• Make a ‘creativity space’ for the holidays and let them use it!  This can be in the garage, in a sheltered corner of the garden or even indoors.

• Buy off cuts of wood or collect large unwanted storage boxes and make ‘bean bag in the hole’ / backyard bowling alley / ‘darts’ board type of gamesetc

• Movie night:  Send out ‘kids made’ invites, make cup cakes, decorate the room and have fun

• Tapestry table anyone?  Get some hessian and cover an old table or picture frame.  Use chalk to stencil pictures and buy loads of different coloured wool and get them weaving…

• Last but not least:  Blocks!  Lego / wood / paper / cardboard….create and play

Happy holidays!

TAPESTRY TABLE

Show your child what being a good human being is about!!

The more I read about research and how our brains work, the more I understand why we behave the way we do. All of us have learnt from a very young age about kindness, manners, courage, caring, generosity as well as lots of other traits. 

The responsibility we have as parents is really a lot bigger than we might appreciate at first.

I think most of us have experienced moments when a child does or says something that really throws you; 'where on earth did he/she learn that??'. Then someone, kindly, points out, 'that's exactly what you do!!' Ooops, didn't realise he/she picked it up so quickly...

Most of us do things that we are not necessarily aware of. Swear under our breath, comment on people that might be serving us, comment on photos 'Gosh she looks fat there', derogatory things about race, sexuality or place in society. Or that annoying driver who shouldn't be on the road etc. 

If we can start to be more self aware of the language, looks and behaviour we use, particularly in front of the kids, its a great step in the right direction. Being our children's role model is a big thing!! Think about what we want for them. How do we want them to treat others? See other people? Feel about themselves and their place in society? Drink and drugs? What is it to love?

Everything we want for them, we should want for ourselves. We need to show them the way.

Become an aware parent for your children's sake!

More reading here: https://www.mother.ly/child/my-simple-answer-to-the-question-how-can-i-teach-my-children-to-be-kind#close

Keeping Kids Entertained.....

Following on from last week's blog - here are some more ideas to keep the kids entertained these holidays:-

1.  Make a den.  Either inside the house - or in the garden.  Let them create it, build it and play in it.  Use a place you won't need to 'tidy' for a few weeks so it can be their play space for the holidays.  Think tents / tee pees / upside down chairs covered with sheets...you get the idea !

2.   Make a Water Wall.  How to create happy kids...let them play with water.  Find a shady spot in the garden and get building....see picture below

3.  Chalk is great to 'draw' games onto tarmac or patio's (or use masking tape) to create boardgames outside.  Hopscotch; snakes and ladders....you can do anything (google 'backyard board games').  If you are courageous - let them 'draw' artwork with chalk or masking tape on the fence or driveway.

4.  Slip 'n Slide.  With the weather so great - make your own slip 'n slide.  Kids love it.  All you need is a patch of grass and a slight slope and some dishwashing liquid.  Maybe the neighbour's kids can join in?

5.  Create an Obstacle Course.  Either inside the house (place cushions as stepping stones & obstacles to climb over and under) or outside (use hoops, logs, cones, old cardboard, bin liners etc).  Time everyone with the challenge to increase personal times over the holidays.  Change the course daily and get the kids to make the changes!  Invite friends over for 'races'.

6.  Have a scavenger hunt.  Kids of all ages love this and they are great fun and can take a lovely long time to complete. Use google for loads of ideas of what to include - just remember to set the rules out before you start - any fights and the hunt is over!  Make it challenging and accessible for all age groups and try and include friends/neighbours.  A great idea is to work in pairs on the hunt to make it more social and less competitive!

Happy holidays....

 A 'Water Wall' is a fantastic activity for kids

Holiday times ahead! Yay or nay?!

The summer holidays are upon us and with them comes, hopefully,  a lot of family time. How that works out varies. Some families enjoy most of it and some struggle not to have a break down!

What do we need to do to make the holidays work for all of us? 

Here are a few tips that can be helpful:

- Plan the week as much as possible. Knowing ahead of time will save a lot of hassle.

- Take turns in inviting the kids friends over, hopefully it will be returned! Maybe their parents too?!

- Make a list of 'to do' things at your home that kids can help with.

- Plan a holiday scheme day at least one day a week if you can.

- Doing nothing for a day is great too. Mum or dad can get on with their own stuff.  All kids have the ability to entertain themselves in the garden or their rooms. Boredom brings out creativity and forces the children to think and come up with ideas of activities. 

- Look up ideas on line for activities to do locally. There is a lot on, just ask google!

- Take the time to have discussions and get to know what the kids think about current issues, music, the internet do's and don'ts, drugs and alcohol. There is so much worth talking about!

There is no doubt holidays can be tough and intense but if we prepare and discuss expectations and house rules before, it will help to keep things as they should be.

Last but not least, chose your battles and enjoy your kids!! They grow up very fast!

What girls (and boys) need from their fathers (and mothers)!!

I just came across this article about what girls need from their fathers. I think this lists applies to boys as well. We are different in many ways but the core needs are there within all of us, girls, boys, women and men. We all need love, certainty, significance and to be valued and respected. How do we give each other this on an everyday basis? This article gives a lot of suggestions. If some of them strike a cord, have a think and do something about it. A lot are, I hope, already in place but most of us can do more. I have never worked with a client who felt too much love growing up!

http://www.charismanews.com/opinion/48508-25-things-a-daughter-needs-from-her-dad

Why does my child keep hitting others?

Has your child ever lashed out and hit you or another child?  Have you had complaints of your child kicking or shoving another?  How about hair pulling?  Just like tantrums (blog of the 12th June) - physical ‘violence’ in a child is something they need to learn (as early as possible) is unacceptable behaviour.  They must understand that there will be consequences with this type of behaviour and this does not mean hitting them back!

Why the violence?  Most of the time it is the result of feelings of frustration in your child.  It is their way of expressing a deep level of frustration or anger and they lash out physically at people they feel are ‘causing’ their pain.

 What to do?

Ask your daughter why she is feeling angry.  Ask your son what you can do to help him get rid of his frustrations.  Through talking to your child work out what is the cause of the behaviour and the reason behind their feeling hurt, pain or frustration.  Sometimes just by letting them know that you are paying attention and have noticed how they are feeling will already do a lot to reduce their frustrations.  Use positive parenting a lot – which in this case means age-appropriate directions and logical and clear consequences.   

Remember: No shaming / No Guilt / No labelling - it doesn't help things!

Just like everything else you do – be consistent.  It’s NEVER OK to hit another child or lash out in public.  Stop it the first time – and every time.  Be clear about what type of behaviour you expect – and MODEL it yourself.  Make sure your child knows you are watching carefully and praise them when they behave well.

It is so important to catch this early as if left unchecked - this can develop into some nasty 'bullying' habits later on....

+ More specific tips on biting in 2 weeks time…

Courage and kids

What does being brave and courageous mean? Why is it important for kids to be courageous?

A bold child is more likely to withstand negative peer pressure, say no to temptations that run counter to your family’s values and fight the good fight. Courage also has surprise benefits: It boosts kids’ resilience, confidence and willpower as well as their learning, performance and school engagement.

It's the small acts like standing up for a friend, inviting someone over or climbing that tree higher than before that will teach our kids courage. If we take over and do it for them or stop them, how will they learn?

Stepping into the unknown by doing something you are nervous about will show your kids that it can be done and even if it fails, it shows you survive and move on.

Positive self talk is an important part, think ' I can do this' or 'I am brave' whilst doing it or before also helps. Show them how and why this helps.

As Matt Damon, in the film 'We bought a zoo' , told his teenage son who was scared to ask this special girl out; “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you that something great will come of it.”

Our kids might need a bit of a push to do this at times but what they learn and how they grow in confidence by doing it makes it all worth while!

My child is impossible !

Ever spoken those words?  Ever felt like ‘giving up’ when you child throws a major temper tantrum in the middle of the store and everyone stares at you?  Well – you’re not alone!  And let me assure you – no one’s child is perfect – no matter what they say or post on social media!  Every child will have something they battle with – and every parent will have areas of parenting they find particularly hard.  The trick is to learn as much as you can about how to cope and  manage your own parenting through all the trials and tribulations.  

 
Tantrums in Public
Although initially a tantrum is a reaction to a feeling – if children don’t learn how to control and cope with these feelings – their tantrums won’t just ‘go away’.  In fact, they may stay with them – or even get worse!  You think toddler tantrums are bad – imagine a demanding, excessive teenager!  You need to ‘check’ your child’s tantrums early on and teach them how to cope with how they’re feeling and channel this into the correct behaviour. 

For example – at the first sign of a tantrum (falling down on the floor; becoming hysterical; kicking; screaming) tell your child firmly ‘to stop or else we are going to leave (the store, restaurant, movie, friends etc).   If you feel more comfortable giving them a warning first, then do that.  But only 1 warning for a ‘tantrum’ event.  I.e. say: ‘This is your only warning.  You need to stop ‘behaviour’ or we will leave immediately’…and then folks…you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH !  That means no matter how inconvenient it is for you – you MUST LEAVE !  If you lose money – sorry for you – but it will be worth it in the long run.  If it’s embarrassing, say sorry and if necessary make it up to the friend/party parent etc later – but this is the only way your child will learn. 

Then.  When your child is distracted and has calmed down – try and find out what they were feeling at the time of the tantrum.  What made them feel so frustrated that they were unable to cope and had to behave in that way to express themselves?  Often they don’t have enough language to express themselves and they get beside themselves with frustration.  Try and learn how to pre-empt tantrums.  Watch their emotions and mood; work with actions (sign language) with them to communicate with you; give them some space to work it out; sometimes they need to be ignored; praise them a lot when they’re behaving well; create a diversion or distraction; hug them; use empathy; model the behaviour you want – be calm yourself & keep a sense of humour – laugh it off!

Then.  Really NB!  The next time you head out for a similar event – speak to your child beforehand and say, ‘we are going back to ‘name the place’.   I would like to see ‘name the behaviour you want’ as I would like to be able to stay for the whole event this time.’  Don’t blame the child and rehash their bad behaviour – use ‘I language’ and be positive about what you want to see happen.

Find more tips on our website:www.familyfocusuk.com (parenting tips)

+ More tips in the following weeks…

How do boys learn to make good choices?

A lot is written about teenage boys and their behaviours, particularly in groups. Egging each other on and not thinking about consequences or that they might actually be hurting someone else. So if you’re the parent of a boy, you need to know that boys’ biology and social conditioning put them squarely at risk of doing some seriously stupid things, particularly during their teenage years.

The human brain does not reach maturity until the early 20s. The last parts of the brain to mature are links between the prefrontal cortex, which assists in judgement and problem-solving, and the limbic system, which handles emotion and self-regulation. In other words, teenage brains are not wired for optimal decision-making or response to crisis.

So what can be done to help our boys to make good choices? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Teach them about empathy. You can build empathy in your sons by modeling empathy for them. Help others. Express understanding and give others the benefit of doubt. Talk about and name feelings; boys are under so much pressure societally to suppress their emotions. Make sure your boys know that your No. 1 goal for them to is become decent human beings.

2. Value your son, not his accomplishments. When you go on and on to others about your son’s grades, athletic accolades or starring roles, your child gets the message that his accomplishments are what you value about him. Of course it’s OK to be proud of your son and to share your pride in what he’s accomplished. The challenge is to balance that with acknowledgement of his value as a human being, separate from anything he’s done. Your son needs to know that he’s loved unconditionally. So hug him. Say “I love you.” Show an interest in his interests, and make time to have fun with him.

3. Acknowledge good choices. Most boys and girls make several mistakes each day. But while it’s natural to point these out, we need to make sure to acknowledge the good things they do as well. Praise your son when he helps someone else. (Insider tip: Mention his good deed to someone else when you know he’s listening. He’ll be thrilled!) Thank him for helping you with the shopping or gardening.

These are just a few things that we can all do but the main things is, start as early as possible! The earlier, the better. 

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-05-15/5-ways-to-help-boys-make-good-choices