12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner

Do you regularly sit down to family meals?  Research has shown that this is one of the most important tools we can use as parents to teach our children social skills, good eating habits and to develop strong communication within the family. 

Here are some great questions to ask your children at meal times:-

• What is something interesting (fun or difficult) that you did today? (Reason? Develop relationship and create value)
• What’s on your mind today? (Reason? To make them feel understood)
• Who did you sit with at lunch today? (Reason? Open ended question to promote conversation)
• Can I tell you about something (crazy) that happened to me today? (Reason? Teach them to think beyond themselves and develop empathy)
• What are you grateful for today? (Reason? Talk about values, ideas and principles)
• Do you feel full? (Reason? Teaching younger kids to tune in to their bodies.  eg:  is your tummy hungry or happy?)
• What made you laugh recently? (Reason? Help children understand and manage emotion)
• Do you have any questions from school or what you heard in the news? (Reason? Check in with any anxiety, fears or misconceptions.  Be aware of their interpretation of their world)
• What do you want to do tomorrow?  (Reason? Keep tabs on their interests and passions.  Can also be used for upcoming holiday plans/family conferences)
• How are your friends/classmates doing? (Reason? Tap in to social environment & connections and their coping skills)
• What did you talk about in … (name a class eg English) today? (Reason? Being specific and interested builds trust and your connection with your child.  Can also ask:  what did you talk about / do over lunch?)
• What was your best success today?  (Reason? High points/low points gives you insight into your child’s life and emotions)

Let's talk sex!

Our children are growing up fast and unfortunately, a lot are exposed to sex and pornography earlier than we think. What can we do as parents to help them with this? As we know things can't be unseen. Communicating about our bodies functions, and what our genitals are there for is a good start. Explain that our private parts are just that; private.

If someone is showing nude pictures, especially if it makes them uncomfortable; go and tell an adult. From the age of 7-8, use the word pornography and explain if they come across it to close their eyes! Explain why this is a good idea. Also, talk to your children's friends parents about your boundaries and what you think is suitable for your child. We might think most of us are on the same page but that is not always the case.

Talk about respect of each other and values like it's OK for girls to be valued as strong, clever and capable as well as boys to be gentle, caring and sensitive.

This is a great start. There is a lot of information out there how to talk about these things. Please do! 

Here is a link to a good, informative article: https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/age-by-age-guide-to-talking-to-kids-about-sex/

Keep talking!!

Don’t let these words hurt either !

2 weeks ago we spoke about how to change the way we ‘blame’’ ‘gaslight’ and ‘guilt’ our kids.

Here are some more tips to change how and what we say!

1) Threats. “If you don’t stop crying right now I will give you something to cry about.” 

Remember this one ???  Many of us heard this phrase far too often in our own childhoods.  Keep in mind that crying is a behaviour and is the result of a feeling – and feelings can’t be turned off like a tap!    Often demanding that your child 'shut off their feelings' will create panic in that child.  Rather ask ‘why is their crying making me feel so anxious?’  Are your feelings actually the problem here? 

Instead try: “I can see that you are feeling really upset – I am here with you…” and then try and find out what is causing the feelings.

2) Shame. “Ugh. What now?!”

Demands…demands…demands!  Many of us feel overwhelmed with demands on us all day.  So when your toddler starts on ‘more demands’ – it’s very hard to not get frustrated and say …’what now ?!?”  Most of the time this is a statement from a young child who is learning and exploring their world.  They ‘call’ you continually as you are their anchor. Without your acknowledgement of their existence, they don’t feel like they exist!  Try and pre-empt their calling you by ‘naming’ it and ‘anticipating it’ so the need to call out for you reduces.

Instead try: “You have a lot to say today – it’s amazing how much you are learning!’  or ‘I can see you on the swing – you are going really high’.

3) Autocratic. “Don’t tell me no!”

A lot of parents get really worked up when their toddler yells ‘no’ to them.  Although we need to teach ‘how’ to say no properly and when – it is actually a word that all toddlers must learn and use because it teaches them personal autonomy and how to establish boundaries. These are essential skills and really necessary when they are teenagers and adults!  So the next time your child screams ‘no’ when you ask them to get into their car seat…stay firm about the rules, but allow them to feel that their voice has been heard.

Instead try: “I hear that you don’t want to get in the car right now, but we have to go pick up your brother so you are going to get into your seat, but would you like to bring a book with you?”

Minimalistic parenting!

I read an interesting article written on No Sidebar by Denaye Barahona the other day. She wrote about the need for more in our lives and how that increases when we have children. We want more and better for our kids.

The question is, what is more and better? Is is the latest gadgets and toys? More and bigger holidays abroad? Branded clothes and shoes?

I don't think so. What our children need the most is our time and attention.That is what they will remember as adults.

These are the points she made in her article and I whole heartedly agree:

1. Hover less and your children will live more.

We spend so much time protecting our children, we forget to let them live. When we hover over them and perseverate over safety, our fears can undermine a child’s confidence. These fears rob them of their independence. Instead of hovering, let’s instill a sense of responsibility and natural curiosity for the world.

Allow your children to live life to the fullest. Even if that means climbing to the top of the jungle gym without a spotter.

2. Entertain less and your children will innovate more.

In many ways, Pinterest is a trap. The abundance of art, craft, and activity ideas that abound leave us feeling as though we need to do more to entertain our kids. Wouldn’t it be easy if we could just flip a switch and provide unlimited entertainment for our kids?

Oh wait, we can. It’s called screen time.

When we provide endless varieties of entertainment for our children, we leave them with very little opportunity to create and explore new ideas on their own.

So hear me out—follow my lead and skip the Pinterest activities. Then cut back on the screen time. Let kids be bored. Give them space. The innovation that results will astound you.

3. Schedule less and your children will rest more.

As humans, we need to rest our bodies and minds. This is particularly true of small bodies that are growing and maturing rapidly. Research show us that childhood anxiety is a rising epidemic in this generation. A child who grows up with anxiety is significantly more likely to be plagued with mental health challenges throughout their adult years.

Do you know what our children need? Rest.

Do you know what we need? Rest.

Stop making rest a luxury—make rest a priority. The mental and physical health of your family depends on it.

4. Referee less and your children will problem solve more.

As parents, we wear many hats. One hat we need to hang up is that of the referee. Parents have the tendency to jump in and solve any disputes and challenges that children come across. It’s easier to be the referee than watch two kids awkwardly settle their own disagreement. It’s easier to jump in and help than wait ten minutes for a kid to fumble through shoe tying.

After you hang up that hat, get comfortable sitting on the sidelines in silence. Kids need a lot of practice to learn how to problem solve—so let’s give them many chances to do it for themselves.

5. Buy less and your children will seek more.

Research shows that clutter is associated with higher levels of stress in families. Have you yelled at your kids to clean up their rooms recently? If your home has less inside, it is easier to clean up. It is easier to take good care of fewer things.

You know what doesn’t have a long-term impact on a child happiness? The latest hit toy. Buy your children less, and as a result, they will be able to better filter out the noise and focus on the important things.

Studies tell us that family vacations and togetherness have a long term impact on a child’s happiness. Let’s teach our children to value “stuff” less and experiences more.

Don’t let your words hurt!

Following up on our 'Words Hurt!' blog... 

It is so important to think before we speak and remember - children hear everything!  What we say often stays with them and becomes their ‘inner voice’ that they use to help them in situations or make decisions.  So, make sure that they hear the voice you really want them to hear. 

How often do you hear yourself saying these phrases (be honest!)?

And some tips on what you could say instead….

1) Blame. “You are driving me crazy.” 

When you say this, it is normally you that is feeling stressed or overwhelmed and your child’s behaviour is just a trigger.  Remember:  it is never their ‘fault’.  They are not purposefully trying to drive you crazy. It is the situation that is crazy and parenting and life is tough!

Instead try: “I am really finding this situation/your behaviour difficult right now.  I think we both need to take 5…”  (and then take a break!)

 2) Gaslighting. “Oh, you’re fine. Look at everyone else having fun. Why can’t you go have fun?”

Gaslighting is a psychological term that is used when someone is manipulated into doubting themselves.  It’s quite common that we, as parents, react to a child in this way – by insisting that they are fine when they are clearly not feeling fine at all.  This type of comment can make a child very confused.  One part of them is feeling one way, but they are getting a message from someone they trust that ‘nothing is wrong’.  This will lead to them having trust issues in the future and becoming quite a vulnerable adult.

Instead try: “I saw that you hit your head.  It must be sore but you aren’t hurt - so you are safe to carry on…”

 3) Guilt. “See what you are doing? Now you’re getting your sister upset.” 

We are all ‘guilty’ of using the guilt trip on someone – but we need to be really careful with this one.  Using guilt to change feelings doesn’t solve the problem and only makes the child self-conscious about their feelings.  It can also make them hide their feelings in the future so as not to ‘upset’ you or anyone else.  But emotions can’t stay hidden forever and they will eventually come out and often in even more aggressive or disruptive ways in the future.

Instead try: “I see that you are frustrated and that your sister is frustrated too. Let’s try and work through this together…”

More tips in 2 weeks’ time…..

Soft skills versus hard skills

As a Swede living in the UK, I have encountered many things a long the way that are very different to Sweden. 

The major thing for me as a parent and now parent coach is how early our children start school in the UK. The majority of European countries has a school start age of six and some even seven.

We lived in Switzerland for the first years of my daughters schooling and they were 6 and 9 when we moved to the UK. My youngest daughter was in kindergarten in Switzerland and due to start school at 7. Arriving here, she could just about write her name. One school we contacted asked if she had learning difficulties as she couldn't read or write...

After a year of schooling, she had caught up with her school friends, not because she is exceedingly bright but because she was ready and eager to learn without feeling pressurised and stressed. However, where she was ahead of them was with her social skills, team skills and awareness of empathy. Empathy is what makes us aware of the feelings of others and when you're empathic, you're much less likely to hurt someone else's feelings. This is the bit she was taught at kindergarten and these are, in my opinion,  the soft skills that are missing early on here in the UK. The focus here is far too much on reading, writing and maths. We have children who simply aren't ready to learn in that way and need to play and be children. There are no statistics that show that UKs children are ahead and better educated than other countries. Quite the contrary!

I know the system in it self is hard to change but what we as parents can do is to help our kids develop the soft skills needed. Soft skills might include teaching kids to work cooperatively in a group or teaching them how to think about the long-term consequences when they make a decision, whereas teaching maths is an example of a hard skills. The importance of teaching self-control, social skills and empathy is immense! 

Research show that children who are taught the above skills are more likely to be kind and inclusive towards other children. This leads to them feeling good about themselves which improves their self-esteem. A win win situation!!

Do the best you can!!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10962162/Delay-school-starting-age-until-at-least-six-academic-says.html

Words Hurt !

Every time we speak – our children listen.  Our voice becomes that ‘inner voice’ that they hear when they are trying to make decisions or interact with others. 

Try to avoid labels at all costs.  Never label a child as ‘good’ or 'bad’ – but when faced with unsavoury behaviour try and stay neutral (esp. when they are having a tantrum!) and try to work out what the feelings are behind the actions or behaviour you are encountering.

One way to be a progressive parent is to realise your child’s behaviour is not happening ‘to you’.  See them as their own individual being with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences and work with them on a journey of navigation.  How we respond to them – their tantrums, their cries, their outbursts or anything we ‘don’t like’ will make all the difference to how they process the situation and how this will shape their behaviour in the future.

So, what do we do?  When we respond, we need to try to connect with our child in a way that reduces stress – for both the child and you!  We need to create a safe place for the child to process emotion and unpack their behaviour.  Their feelings are never ‘bad’, although sometimes their behaviour is not what you’d like.  We need to make sure we separate the behaviour from the root cause/emotion behind the behaviour and don’t try to control it or blame the child.  Children by nature want to be good so look beneath the surface and see the ‘bad’ behaviour as a cry for help.  Your job is to figure out what they need help with!  Sometimes it’s just wanting to feel connected to you, the parent.

Children will mirror what we do a lot more than what we say.  So, we can start by showing them how we want them to behave by modelling and behaving that way ourselves.   If your children are fighting with each other, a lovely expression to use is: ‘we are not a fighting family’.  So, you are not singling out any one child or behaviour – but you are emphasising team work and the family unit.  This type of unity can be used for many things e.g.: ‘we are a family that listens to each other’; ‘we are not a shouting family’ etc.

Check out this blog in 2 weeks’ time for some PRACTICAL TIPS on what we say and the damage it could do and how to change our words!

Screen or not or what?

Most of us know that kids love looking at screens. What most of might not know is the actual impact it has on them. A study from 2015 said that British children between 5-16 spend an average of 6.5 hours a day looking at screens!! That is up from 3 hours in 1995. Is this too much? Can this be addictive? What makes screens so enticing, not only to kids but us adults too?

With todays technology being so accessible, it is even harder to avoid our children's demands to watch a cartoon or play a game. This lack of natural breaks has led to many children not having what is called 'stopping rules'. They used to exist and we learned to wait and look forward to the next episode of the favourite show or even wait for your turn at a game console. These breaks are now disappearing as everything around us is becoming 24/7 and impatience is growing. When children learn that they can us their devices as soon as they are bored, have spare time or are unsure of what to do next, it can become dangerous. It's all about feedback. Children learn by misbehaving to see what their parents think, push buttons to discover what happens. Their devices however give feedback straight away! No need to wait, instant rewards.

Interaction with other children, reading other children's reactions and body language can not be taught on a device. This requires play and being without devices. Please allow our children to be children in the real world and not the virtual world! Everything as always within reason. Technology is here to stay but how much our children use it is up to us. We are their parents and more importantly their role models!!

Our parent 'teaching moments'...

During childhood we, as parents or caregivers, teach our children what games to play and how to play them.  We may not even purposefully set out 'to teach', but almost every interaction we have with our child is a teaching moment.

When we do something that we consider routine (wake up in the morning and go straight to the bathroom to brush teeth) or ritual (saying goodnight in a certain way) we are cementing certain social positions and 'ways of being' in our family.  What this means is we reinforce how our family does things, why our family does things a certain way or when we do things.  This leads to our child (ren) understanding how our family unit functions.  These skills then get reinforced over the years by the way we react and interact with our children as they grow and develop.

As our child grows, his knowledge of and skill in these procedures, rituals and routines will help to determine what opportunities he will have available to him both in our family and beyond. His attitude towards these activities will determine what he will/will not make of these opportunities and what the outcomes will be.  So even when he is a 5-year-old battling to get dressed, he is learning how to achieve an outcome, what attitude is acceptable/unacceptable during this activity and how others respond to him.

We, parents or caregivers, often make choices (schools, holiday activities, opportunities for teaching) that reinforce our own routines, rituals or activities.  We look to expose our child to more situations that will reinforce our own teachings.  This is the way we build trust, cohesion and unity in our family unit - but remember that it is also your responsibility to teach your child about the larger social world he needs to navigate.  So model inclusion, tolerance, respect and diversity so that your child learns to be accepting of all, whilst feeling safe and secure in your own family unit.

Play brings out the best in all of us!

I have just read a great article on Linkedin by a guy called Blake Griffin Edwards. 

I would like to share parts of this as I think he has a great point. We live such a different life today compared to how most us did growing up. Everything has it's advantages and this generation are well prepared for the digital life we are now leading.

However, what have they learned from playing outdoors? Have they done it enough? Do we allow them to? 

This is what Blake writes:

"You're an adult. Go play with a kid!

Getting outside for an hour or two disturbs the monotony of the mundane, the routine, and the digital. The outdoors have a way of cleansing thoughts and emotions, sometimes leading to unexpected conversation and connection. In the best of cases, spending quality time together leads to storytelling, laughter, and other forms of playfulness—relationship-building catalysts that spur not only a deeper sense of connection but also enrich development. And that goes for the adults as well, of course. As we lower our guards and heighten our senses, we all learn and grow.

Like breathing, eating, and sleeping, we all—especially our kids—have a built-in need to be playful. Life is a kind of playground. If a child isn’t good at playful interaction, he or she may be more likely to withdraw from social situations. Being good at playful interaction depends on continual modeling and practice. Play is critical for healthy development. There are no substitutes. Everything we do can be permeated with an attitude that is playful. Albert Einstein has been quoted as having once stated,

“Play is the highest form of research.”

Playfulness also signals safety. Research psychologists from Texas Christian University instructed, “Shared silliness, laughter, and games all demonstrate to a child that you mean no harm (Purvis, Cross, & Sunshine, 2007, The Connected Child)."

Playfulness can unlock and promote language-skill development, social skills, and even attachment security. Time dedicated to freewheeling, spontaneous play is eroding, and everything from sadness, worry, boredom, or worse flood in behind. You've seen this in action, right? If we’re being honest, don’t we see it in ourselves?

Many of our lives are too crowded for regular and unadulterated play. To the extent we live playless lives, human aptitudes such as spontaneity, creativity, and cooperation fall in decline. It is our responsibility to catalyze for our children the kind of playfulness we all need in our lives, and let them guide the play whenever possible. By the end of the day, let's be sure to give our children the time, space, and resources they need to play well, and let's also be sure we've wasted some time being playful together. "

Go on! Go and play!!

How much do I allow my child to do?

One problem I have encountered along the way working with families is the 'helicopter' parenting that seems to be quite common. It seems that a lot of families do most things for their children like: serving and clearing up, carry them or their bags, clean their rooms, make their beds, help them put on their clothes, shower them etc. The list is long.

The question is what are we achieving by doing these things? How do we actually help our kids in a better way? What is the impact on them?

It all comes back to self-esteem and confidence. If we allow or push our kids to help with chores, take responsibility for their school work, learn to make their beds, clean themselves and generally be made to be part of the family team, they will grow. Grow in their ability to take responsibility for their own decisions, feel confident that they are able and if not able, learn that asking for help is also OK. They also learn to stand up for themselves and understand common decency, what is right and wrong. The freedom to go to the newsagent to buy something or walk down the road to a friend on their own is an immense uplifting feeling for our kids. They have to learn to become independent. Small steps at a time!

It's very easy to take over as most times, it's quicker to do it ourselves. However, if we think about it, there are lots of opportunities to allow the kids the chance to 'help' and allow them to do certain things their way. To let it go is a challenge at times but the effect on the kids in long term is worth it. We all want independent, confident and caring children. Self-esteem is something we need to help our children to get and keep. These steps are a few that will help to achieve this.

Why does my child want attention all the time ?

For most parents, 'attention-seeking' is a word they will use with their child (ren) more often than they like.  It's seen as one of the most common types of misbehaviour in children and is often confused with 'bad' behaviour.

 At its core, attention seeking behaviour from a child is a call to keep you close to them / busy with them or simply focused on them.  It's important to understand the 'why' behind this behaviour and then to respond in a way that will reduce the behaviour in the future.

Here are some ideas:-

1.  Don't respond to the attention seeking behaviour but focus on something else entirely

2.  If another child is behaving well, give that child positive attention.

3.  When the attention seeking child changes their behaviour in line with your expectations and needs - provide lots of positive comment and attention to them.

4.  Attention seekers need to feel useful so help them get this 'included feeling' through positive ways and activities by teaching them what you expect from them.  Try baking together !

5.  Make sure you respond positively when they're not asking for your feedback.  Say 'well done' or 'that's such good behaviour' unexpectedly and without being asked by them when you can.

Help them feel like they 'belong' and they will

get your attention without having to ask for it...

How to help a fearful or anxious child...

Does your child lie awake at night 'worrying' - or not want to go to school or leave home because they're feeling anxious about something? 

Many children will feel anxious or express fears at different times in their lives.  Some are simply age related and will change as they grow and develop, but other fears can be triggered by an event or may be learned fears from someone else.

Here are some ideas to help your child cope with their fear:-

1. Help your child understand the difference between fear and just being cautious.

2. Acknowledge and affirm their fear to validate their feelings but encourage them to be brave and face their fear and not let it stop them from experiencing life.

3. Don't lie to them or make promises that are not true.  If you can't guarantee their safety don't promise it, but reassure them that there are steps and plans in place to keep them safe and you (or a responsible adult) will be there for them if they have any further worries.

4. Kids gain power and control if they 'do something', so teach them skills to cope.  Role play is a good idea to show them options for coping and to help them face a new situation.

5. Confidence is catchy so show your confidence in your child’s ability to deal with their fears. 

Be the parent you want to be!!

Do you find it hard to listen to other mums at times and wonder how on earth they do it?

Some mums seem so perfect and can cope with everything! In my experience, it's a facade a lot of us hide behind and we are to scared to show the real us... What if someone really saw me and didn't like me anymore? Or thought what an awful mother and person I am? These are real fears for a lot of parents and trying to keep up with 'everyone' else is exhausting.

Take a deep breath and have a think of who you really are and what you think is best for your kids and family over all. Most of us actually do know more than we think and are very able if we put our minds to it. So what if someone else does it differently?? If you know what you do is the right thing, stick to your guns! Nor only are you sticking up for yourself and your values but you also show your kids what is important. You are their role model at all times so make sure you show them what is right and what is wrong.

Stand up straight and use your voice. Say what you think and stand up for your beliefs! By doing this we also allow others to dare to speak up. If we can, they can. In the nicest possible way of course!!

Enjoy the freedom of being you!

Keep Calm - they're only kids !

Do you find yourself getting stressed about all the demands from your kids?  Here are a few tips to get you through the day....

• Remember you are the adult in the family - don't let the kids take over.
• Slow things down - one step at a time.  Don't try and deal with multiple issues or demands at once.  Take them one by one and they'll seem less overwhelming.
• Recognise the patterns of your children's behaviour and try to plan and prepare before the demands mount.
• Stay calm at all times and if you can't - take a few minutes and leave the room to breathe.
• Find something that works for you as a stress relief (cup of tea / hot bath / walk outside etc) and make sure you prioritise some time for yourself.

More tips to follow in our next blog....