How do boys learn to make good choices?

A lot is written about teenage boys and their behaviours, particularly in groups. Egging each other on and not thinking about consequences or that they might actually be hurting someone else. So if you’re the parent of a boy, you need to know that boys’ biology and social conditioning put them squarely at risk of doing some seriously stupid things, particularly during their teenage years.

The human brain does not reach maturity until the early 20s. The last parts of the brain to mature are links between the prefrontal cortex, which assists in judgement and problem-solving, and the limbic system, which handles emotion and self-regulation. In other words, teenage brains are not wired for optimal decision-making or response to crisis.

So what can be done to help our boys to make good choices? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Teach them about empathy. You can build empathy in your sons by modeling empathy for them. Help others. Express understanding and give others the benefit of doubt. Talk about and name feelings; boys are under so much pressure societally to suppress their emotions. Make sure your boys know that your No. 1 goal for them to is become decent human beings.

2. Value your son, not his accomplishments. When you go on and on to others about your son’s grades, athletic accolades or starring roles, your child gets the message that his accomplishments are what you value about him. Of course it’s OK to be proud of your son and to share your pride in what he’s accomplished. The challenge is to balance that with acknowledgement of his value as a human being, separate from anything he’s done. Your son needs to know that he’s loved unconditionally. So hug him. Say “I love you.” Show an interest in his interests, and make time to have fun with him.

3. Acknowledge good choices. Most boys and girls make several mistakes each day. But while it’s natural to point these out, we need to make sure to acknowledge the good things they do as well. Praise your son when he helps someone else. (Insider tip: Mention his good deed to someone else when you know he’s listening. He’ll be thrilled!) Thank him for helping you with the shopping or gardening.

These are just a few things that we can all do but the main things is, start as early as possible! The earlier, the better. 

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-05-15/5-ways-to-help-boys-make-good-choices

12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner

Do you regularly sit down to family meals?  Research has shown that this is one of the most important tools we can use as parents to teach our children social skills, good eating habits and to develop strong communication within the family. 

Here are some great questions to ask your children at meal times:-

• What is something interesting (fun or difficult) that you did today? (Reason? Develop relationship and create value)
• What’s on your mind today? (Reason? To make them feel understood)
• Who did you sit with at lunch today? (Reason? Open ended question to promote conversation)
• Can I tell you about something (crazy) that happened to me today? (Reason? Teach them to think beyond themselves and develop empathy)
• What are you grateful for today? (Reason? Talk about values, ideas and principles)
• Do you feel full? (Reason? Teaching younger kids to tune in to their bodies.  eg:  is your tummy hungry or happy?)
• What made you laugh recently? (Reason? Help children understand and manage emotion)
• Do you have any questions from school or what you heard in the news? (Reason? Check in with any anxiety, fears or misconceptions.  Be aware of their interpretation of their world)
• What do you want to do tomorrow?  (Reason? Keep tabs on their interests and passions.  Can also be used for upcoming holiday plans/family conferences)
• How are your friends/classmates doing? (Reason? Tap in to social environment & connections and their coping skills)
• What did you talk about in … (name a class eg English) today? (Reason? Being specific and interested builds trust and your connection with your child.  Can also ask:  what did you talk about / do over lunch?)
• What was your best success today?  (Reason? High points/low points gives you insight into your child’s life and emotions)

Let's talk sex!

Our children are growing up fast and unfortunately, a lot are exposed to sex and pornography earlier than we think. What can we do as parents to help them with this? As we know things can't be unseen. Communicating about our bodies functions, and what our genitals are there for is a good start. Explain that our private parts are just that; private.

If someone is showing nude pictures, especially if it makes them uncomfortable; go and tell an adult. From the age of 7-8, use the word pornography and explain if they come across it to close their eyes! Explain why this is a good idea. Also, talk to your children's friends parents about your boundaries and what you think is suitable for your child. We might think most of us are on the same page but that is not always the case.

Talk about respect of each other and values like it's OK for girls to be valued as strong, clever and capable as well as boys to be gentle, caring and sensitive.

This is a great start. There is a lot of information out there how to talk about these things. Please do! 

Here is a link to a good, informative article: https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/age-by-age-guide-to-talking-to-kids-about-sex/

Keep talking!!

Minimalistic parenting!

I read an interesting article written on No Sidebar by Denaye Barahona the other day. She wrote about the need for more in our lives and how that increases when we have children. We want more and better for our kids.

The question is, what is more and better? Is is the latest gadgets and toys? More and bigger holidays abroad? Branded clothes and shoes?

I don't think so. What our children need the most is our time and attention.That is what they will remember as adults.

These are the points she made in her article and I whole heartedly agree:

1. Hover less and your children will live more.

We spend so much time protecting our children, we forget to let them live. When we hover over them and perseverate over safety, our fears can undermine a child’s confidence. These fears rob them of their independence. Instead of hovering, let’s instill a sense of responsibility and natural curiosity for the world.

Allow your children to live life to the fullest. Even if that means climbing to the top of the jungle gym without a spotter.

2. Entertain less and your children will innovate more.

In many ways, Pinterest is a trap. The abundance of art, craft, and activity ideas that abound leave us feeling as though we need to do more to entertain our kids. Wouldn’t it be easy if we could just flip a switch and provide unlimited entertainment for our kids?

Oh wait, we can. It’s called screen time.

When we provide endless varieties of entertainment for our children, we leave them with very little opportunity to create and explore new ideas on their own.

So hear me out—follow my lead and skip the Pinterest activities. Then cut back on the screen time. Let kids be bored. Give them space. The innovation that results will astound you.

3. Schedule less and your children will rest more.

As humans, we need to rest our bodies and minds. This is particularly true of small bodies that are growing and maturing rapidly. Research show us that childhood anxiety is a rising epidemic in this generation. A child who grows up with anxiety is significantly more likely to be plagued with mental health challenges throughout their adult years.

Do you know what our children need? Rest.

Do you know what we need? Rest.

Stop making rest a luxury—make rest a priority. The mental and physical health of your family depends on it.

4. Referee less and your children will problem solve more.

As parents, we wear many hats. One hat we need to hang up is that of the referee. Parents have the tendency to jump in and solve any disputes and challenges that children come across. It’s easier to be the referee than watch two kids awkwardly settle their own disagreement. It’s easier to jump in and help than wait ten minutes for a kid to fumble through shoe tying.

After you hang up that hat, get comfortable sitting on the sidelines in silence. Kids need a lot of practice to learn how to problem solve—so let’s give them many chances to do it for themselves.

5. Buy less and your children will seek more.

Research shows that clutter is associated with higher levels of stress in families. Have you yelled at your kids to clean up their rooms recently? If your home has less inside, it is easier to clean up. It is easier to take good care of fewer things.

You know what doesn’t have a long-term impact on a child happiness? The latest hit toy. Buy your children less, and as a result, they will be able to better filter out the noise and focus on the important things.

Studies tell us that family vacations and togetherness have a long term impact on a child’s happiness. Let’s teach our children to value “stuff” less and experiences more.

Don’t let your words hurt!

Following up on our 'Words Hurt!' blog... 

It is so important to think before we speak and remember - children hear everything!  What we say often stays with them and becomes their ‘inner voice’ that they use to help them in situations or make decisions.  So, make sure that they hear the voice you really want them to hear. 

How often do you hear yourself saying these phrases (be honest!)?

And some tips on what you could say instead….

1) Blame. “You are driving me crazy.” 

When you say this, it is normally you that is feeling stressed or overwhelmed and your child’s behaviour is just a trigger.  Remember:  it is never their ‘fault’.  They are not purposefully trying to drive you crazy. It is the situation that is crazy and parenting and life is tough!

Instead try: “I am really finding this situation/your behaviour difficult right now.  I think we both need to take 5…”  (and then take a break!)

 2) Gaslighting. “Oh, you’re fine. Look at everyone else having fun. Why can’t you go have fun?”

Gaslighting is a psychological term that is used when someone is manipulated into doubting themselves.  It’s quite common that we, as parents, react to a child in this way – by insisting that they are fine when they are clearly not feeling fine at all.  This type of comment can make a child very confused.  One part of them is feeling one way, but they are getting a message from someone they trust that ‘nothing is wrong’.  This will lead to them having trust issues in the future and becoming quite a vulnerable adult.

Instead try: “I saw that you hit your head.  It must be sore but you aren’t hurt - so you are safe to carry on…”

 3) Guilt. “See what you are doing? Now you’re getting your sister upset.” 

We are all ‘guilty’ of using the guilt trip on someone – but we need to be really careful with this one.  Using guilt to change feelings doesn’t solve the problem and only makes the child self-conscious about their feelings.  It can also make them hide their feelings in the future so as not to ‘upset’ you or anyone else.  But emotions can’t stay hidden forever and they will eventually come out and often in even more aggressive or disruptive ways in the future.

Instead try: “I see that you are frustrated and that your sister is frustrated too. Let’s try and work through this together…”

More tips in 2 weeks’ time…..

Soft skills versus hard skills

As a Swede living in the UK, I have encountered many things a long the way that are very different to Sweden. 

The major thing for me as a parent and now parent coach is how early our children start school in the UK. The majority of European countries has a school start age of six and some even seven.

We lived in Switzerland for the first years of my daughters schooling and they were 6 and 9 when we moved to the UK. My youngest daughter was in kindergarten in Switzerland and due to start school at 7. Arriving here, she could just about write her name. One school we contacted asked if she had learning difficulties as she couldn't read or write...

After a year of schooling, she had caught up with her school friends, not because she is exceedingly bright but because she was ready and eager to learn without feeling pressurised and stressed. However, where she was ahead of them was with her social skills, team skills and awareness of empathy. Empathy is what makes us aware of the feelings of others and when you're empathic, you're much less likely to hurt someone else's feelings. This is the bit she was taught at kindergarten and these are, in my opinion,  the soft skills that are missing early on here in the UK. The focus here is far too much on reading, writing and maths. We have children who simply aren't ready to learn in that way and need to play and be children. There are no statistics that show that UKs children are ahead and better educated than other countries. Quite the contrary!

I know the system in it self is hard to change but what we as parents can do is to help our kids develop the soft skills needed. Soft skills might include teaching kids to work cooperatively in a group or teaching them how to think about the long-term consequences when they make a decision, whereas teaching maths is an example of a hard skills. The importance of teaching self-control, social skills and empathy is immense! 

Research show that children who are taught the above skills are more likely to be kind and inclusive towards other children. This leads to them feeling good about themselves which improves their self-esteem. A win win situation!!

Do the best you can!!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10962162/Delay-school-starting-age-until-at-least-six-academic-says.html

Our parent 'teaching moments'...

During childhood we, as parents or caregivers, teach our children what games to play and how to play them.  We may not even purposefully set out 'to teach', but almost every interaction we have with our child is a teaching moment.

When we do something that we consider routine (wake up in the morning and go straight to the bathroom to brush teeth) or ritual (saying goodnight in a certain way) we are cementing certain social positions and 'ways of being' in our family.  What this means is we reinforce how our family does things, why our family does things a certain way or when we do things.  This leads to our child (ren) understanding how our family unit functions.  These skills then get reinforced over the years by the way we react and interact with our children as they grow and develop.

As our child grows, his knowledge of and skill in these procedures, rituals and routines will help to determine what opportunities he will have available to him both in our family and beyond. His attitude towards these activities will determine what he will/will not make of these opportunities and what the outcomes will be.  So even when he is a 5-year-old battling to get dressed, he is learning how to achieve an outcome, what attitude is acceptable/unacceptable during this activity and how others respond to him.

We, parents or caregivers, often make choices (schools, holiday activities, opportunities for teaching) that reinforce our own routines, rituals or activities.  We look to expose our child to more situations that will reinforce our own teachings.  This is the way we build trust, cohesion and unity in our family unit - but remember that it is also your responsibility to teach your child about the larger social world he needs to navigate.  So model inclusion, tolerance, respect and diversity so that your child learns to be accepting of all, whilst feeling safe and secure in your own family unit.

Play brings out the best in all of us!

I have just read a great article on Linkedin by a guy called Blake Griffin Edwards. 

I would like to share parts of this as I think he has a great point. We live such a different life today compared to how most us did growing up. Everything has it's advantages and this generation are well prepared for the digital life we are now leading.

However, what have they learned from playing outdoors? Have they done it enough? Do we allow them to? 

This is what Blake writes:

"You're an adult. Go play with a kid!

Getting outside for an hour or two disturbs the monotony of the mundane, the routine, and the digital. The outdoors have a way of cleansing thoughts and emotions, sometimes leading to unexpected conversation and connection. In the best of cases, spending quality time together leads to storytelling, laughter, and other forms of playfulness—relationship-building catalysts that spur not only a deeper sense of connection but also enrich development. And that goes for the adults as well, of course. As we lower our guards and heighten our senses, we all learn and grow.

Like breathing, eating, and sleeping, we all—especially our kids—have a built-in need to be playful. Life is a kind of playground. If a child isn’t good at playful interaction, he or she may be more likely to withdraw from social situations. Being good at playful interaction depends on continual modeling and practice. Play is critical for healthy development. There are no substitutes. Everything we do can be permeated with an attitude that is playful. Albert Einstein has been quoted as having once stated,

“Play is the highest form of research.”

Playfulness also signals safety. Research psychologists from Texas Christian University instructed, “Shared silliness, laughter, and games all demonstrate to a child that you mean no harm (Purvis, Cross, & Sunshine, 2007, The Connected Child)."

Playfulness can unlock and promote language-skill development, social skills, and even attachment security. Time dedicated to freewheeling, spontaneous play is eroding, and everything from sadness, worry, boredom, or worse flood in behind. You've seen this in action, right? If we’re being honest, don’t we see it in ourselves?

Many of our lives are too crowded for regular and unadulterated play. To the extent we live playless lives, human aptitudes such as spontaneity, creativity, and cooperation fall in decline. It is our responsibility to catalyze for our children the kind of playfulness we all need in our lives, and let them guide the play whenever possible. By the end of the day, let's be sure to give our children the time, space, and resources they need to play well, and let's also be sure we've wasted some time being playful together. "

Go on! Go and play!!