Don’t let these words hurt either !

2 weeks ago we spoke about how to change the way we ‘blame’’ ‘gaslight’ and ‘guilt’ our kids.

Here are some more tips to change how and what we say!

1) Threats. “If you don’t stop crying right now I will give you something to cry about.” 

Remember this one ???  Many of us heard this phrase far too often in our own childhoods.  Keep in mind that crying is a behaviour and is the result of a feeling – and feelings can’t be turned off like a tap!    Often demanding that your child 'shut off their feelings' will create panic in that child.  Rather ask ‘why is their crying making me feel so anxious?’  Are your feelings actually the problem here? 

Instead try: “I can see that you are feeling really upset – I am here with you…” and then try and find out what is causing the feelings.

2) Shame. “Ugh. What now?!”

Demands…demands…demands!  Many of us feel overwhelmed with demands on us all day.  So when your toddler starts on ‘more demands’ – it’s very hard to not get frustrated and say …’what now ?!?”  Most of the time this is a statement from a young child who is learning and exploring their world.  They ‘call’ you continually as you are their anchor. Without your acknowledgement of their existence, they don’t feel like they exist!  Try and pre-empt their calling you by ‘naming’ it and ‘anticipating it’ so the need to call out for you reduces.

Instead try: “You have a lot to say today – it’s amazing how much you are learning!’  or ‘I can see you on the swing – you are going really high’.

3) Autocratic. “Don’t tell me no!”

A lot of parents get really worked up when their toddler yells ‘no’ to them.  Although we need to teach ‘how’ to say no properly and when – it is actually a word that all toddlers must learn and use because it teaches them personal autonomy and how to establish boundaries. These are essential skills and really necessary when they are teenagers and adults!  So the next time your child screams ‘no’ when you ask them to get into their car seat…stay firm about the rules, but allow them to feel that their voice has been heard.

Instead try: “I hear that you don’t want to get in the car right now, but we have to go pick up your brother so you are going to get into your seat, but would you like to bring a book with you?”

Minimalistic parenting!

I read an interesting article written on No Sidebar by Denaye Barahona the other day. She wrote about the need for more in our lives and how that increases when we have children. We want more and better for our kids.

The question is, what is more and better? Is is the latest gadgets and toys? More and bigger holidays abroad? Branded clothes and shoes?

I don't think so. What our children need the most is our time and attention.That is what they will remember as adults.

These are the points she made in her article and I whole heartedly agree:

1. Hover less and your children will live more.

We spend so much time protecting our children, we forget to let them live. When we hover over them and perseverate over safety, our fears can undermine a child’s confidence. These fears rob them of their independence. Instead of hovering, let’s instill a sense of responsibility and natural curiosity for the world.

Allow your children to live life to the fullest. Even if that means climbing to the top of the jungle gym without a spotter.

2. Entertain less and your children will innovate more.

In many ways, Pinterest is a trap. The abundance of art, craft, and activity ideas that abound leave us feeling as though we need to do more to entertain our kids. Wouldn’t it be easy if we could just flip a switch and provide unlimited entertainment for our kids?

Oh wait, we can. It’s called screen time.

When we provide endless varieties of entertainment for our children, we leave them with very little opportunity to create and explore new ideas on their own.

So hear me out—follow my lead and skip the Pinterest activities. Then cut back on the screen time. Let kids be bored. Give them space. The innovation that results will astound you.

3. Schedule less and your children will rest more.

As humans, we need to rest our bodies and minds. This is particularly true of small bodies that are growing and maturing rapidly. Research show us that childhood anxiety is a rising epidemic in this generation. A child who grows up with anxiety is significantly more likely to be plagued with mental health challenges throughout their adult years.

Do you know what our children need? Rest.

Do you know what we need? Rest.

Stop making rest a luxury—make rest a priority. The mental and physical health of your family depends on it.

4. Referee less and your children will problem solve more.

As parents, we wear many hats. One hat we need to hang up is that of the referee. Parents have the tendency to jump in and solve any disputes and challenges that children come across. It’s easier to be the referee than watch two kids awkwardly settle their own disagreement. It’s easier to jump in and help than wait ten minutes for a kid to fumble through shoe tying.

After you hang up that hat, get comfortable sitting on the sidelines in silence. Kids need a lot of practice to learn how to problem solve—so let’s give them many chances to do it for themselves.

5. Buy less and your children will seek more.

Research shows that clutter is associated with higher levels of stress in families. Have you yelled at your kids to clean up their rooms recently? If your home has less inside, it is easier to clean up. It is easier to take good care of fewer things.

You know what doesn’t have a long-term impact on a child happiness? The latest hit toy. Buy your children less, and as a result, they will be able to better filter out the noise and focus on the important things.

Studies tell us that family vacations and togetherness have a long term impact on a child’s happiness. Let’s teach our children to value “stuff” less and experiences more.

Our parent 'teaching moments'...

During childhood we, as parents or caregivers, teach our children what games to play and how to play them.  We may not even purposefully set out 'to teach', but almost every interaction we have with our child is a teaching moment.

When we do something that we consider routine (wake up in the morning and go straight to the bathroom to brush teeth) or ritual (saying goodnight in a certain way) we are cementing certain social positions and 'ways of being' in our family.  What this means is we reinforce how our family does things, why our family does things a certain way or when we do things.  This leads to our child (ren) understanding how our family unit functions.  These skills then get reinforced over the years by the way we react and interact with our children as they grow and develop.

As our child grows, his knowledge of and skill in these procedures, rituals and routines will help to determine what opportunities he will have available to him both in our family and beyond. His attitude towards these activities will determine what he will/will not make of these opportunities and what the outcomes will be.  So even when he is a 5-year-old battling to get dressed, he is learning how to achieve an outcome, what attitude is acceptable/unacceptable during this activity and how others respond to him.

We, parents or caregivers, often make choices (schools, holiday activities, opportunities for teaching) that reinforce our own routines, rituals or activities.  We look to expose our child to more situations that will reinforce our own teachings.  This is the way we build trust, cohesion and unity in our family unit - but remember that it is also your responsibility to teach your child about the larger social world he needs to navigate.  So model inclusion, tolerance, respect and diversity so that your child learns to be accepting of all, whilst feeling safe and secure in your own family unit.

How much do I allow my child to do?

One problem I have encountered along the way working with families is the 'helicopter' parenting that seems to be quite common. It seems that a lot of families do most things for their children like: serving and clearing up, carry them or their bags, clean their rooms, make their beds, help them put on their clothes, shower them etc. The list is long.

The question is what are we achieving by doing these things? How do we actually help our kids in a better way? What is the impact on them?

It all comes back to self-esteem and confidence. If we allow or push our kids to help with chores, take responsibility for their school work, learn to make their beds, clean themselves and generally be made to be part of the family team, they will grow. Grow in their ability to take responsibility for their own decisions, feel confident that they are able and if not able, learn that asking for help is also OK. They also learn to stand up for themselves and understand common decency, what is right and wrong. The freedom to go to the newsagent to buy something or walk down the road to a friend on their own is an immense uplifting feeling for our kids. They have to learn to become independent. Small steps at a time!

It's very easy to take over as most times, it's quicker to do it ourselves. However, if we think about it, there are lots of opportunities to allow the kids the chance to 'help' and allow them to do certain things their way. To let it go is a challenge at times but the effect on the kids in long term is worth it. We all want independent, confident and caring children. Self-esteem is something we need to help our children to get and keep. These steps are a few that will help to achieve this.

Why does my child want attention all the time ?

For most parents, 'attention-seeking' is a word they will use with their child (ren) more often than they like.  It's seen as one of the most common types of misbehaviour in children and is often confused with 'bad' behaviour.

 At its core, attention seeking behaviour from a child is a call to keep you close to them / busy with them or simply focused on them.  It's important to understand the 'why' behind this behaviour and then to respond in a way that will reduce the behaviour in the future.

Here are some ideas:-

1.  Don't respond to the attention seeking behaviour but focus on something else entirely

2.  If another child is behaving well, give that child positive attention.

3.  When the attention seeking child changes their behaviour in line with your expectations and needs - provide lots of positive comment and attention to them.

4.  Attention seekers need to feel useful so help them get this 'included feeling' through positive ways and activities by teaching them what you expect from them.  Try baking together !

5.  Make sure you respond positively when they're not asking for your feedback.  Say 'well done' or 'that's such good behaviour' unexpectedly and without being asked by them when you can.

Help them feel like they 'belong' and they will

get your attention without having to ask for it...

Be the parent you want to be!!

Do you find it hard to listen to other mums at times and wonder how on earth they do it?

Some mums seem so perfect and can cope with everything! In my experience, it's a facade a lot of us hide behind and we are to scared to show the real us... What if someone really saw me and didn't like me anymore? Or thought what an awful mother and person I am? These are real fears for a lot of parents and trying to keep up with 'everyone' else is exhausting.

Take a deep breath and have a think of who you really are and what you think is best for your kids and family over all. Most of us actually do know more than we think and are very able if we put our minds to it. So what if someone else does it differently?? If you know what you do is the right thing, stick to your guns! Nor only are you sticking up for yourself and your values but you also show your kids what is important. You are their role model at all times so make sure you show them what is right and what is wrong.

Stand up straight and use your voice. Say what you think and stand up for your beliefs! By doing this we also allow others to dare to speak up. If we can, they can. In the nicest possible way of course!!

Enjoy the freedom of being you!

Keep Calm - they're only kids !

Do you find yourself getting stressed about all the demands from your kids?  Here are a few tips to get you through the day....

• Remember you are the adult in the family - don't let the kids take over.
• Slow things down - one step at a time.  Don't try and deal with multiple issues or demands at once.  Take them one by one and they'll seem less overwhelming.
• Recognise the patterns of your children's behaviour and try to plan and prepare before the demands mount.
• Stay calm at all times and if you can't - take a few minutes and leave the room to breathe.
• Find something that works for you as a stress relief (cup of tea / hot bath / walk outside etc) and make sure you prioritise some time for yourself.

More tips to follow in our next blog....