Are you a helicopter parent?

There is a lot of writing about mollycoddling and helicopter parenting in the media. The impact of this way of parenting is not only on the families themselves but everyone else around them.

The schools are affected in a detrimental way as many children do not like the fact that they are just one in a group and not no 1. This causes them to act in a way to get attention and mostly in a bad way. Bad attention is better than no attention.

How can we help parents to understand that by overprotecting, paving the way and not saying NO to their children, they are creating insecure, low self esteemed, demanding little people who don't understand what acceptable behaviour is? 

Here is a great article by Amy Brown who is an associate professor of child public health at Swansea University. It's a well written article and sums up everything I want to say. Please read!

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/helicopter-or-lawnmower-modern-parenting-styles-can-get-in-the-way-of-raising-well-balanced-children-a7850476.html

What is good parenting?

Good parenting means being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt.
-Dr. Ross W. Greene

I really enjoy reading articles about parenting and the latest fads regarding families and bringing up children.

There have been a lot of information thrown at parents, in particular in the last 10 years or so. So many theories and ideas. Some work and others don't. 

The most important thing is to find what works for your family and that is not always easy. Also, each child is different and has different needs so one approach that fits all is generally possible.

I came across Dr. Ross Greene recently and really like what he teaches. His approach to dealing with behaviourally challenging kids seems so logical and makes sense. It has been tried with huge success in schools and homes in America and I would love to see it here too.

By meeting a challenging child with empathy and willingness to find solutions, the child learns coping strategies and how to solve these situations by themselves. Every child prefers to do well and when encourage and heard, they will do their utmost to do so. It's counter productive to punish and discipline when we don't know what their frustration is about. We and them have to understand the reason behind the behaviour and then teach the child to solve it themselves. With these coping skills, they can learn to handle difficult situations and grow to become independent and responsible. 

By asking specific questions we can find out what the lagging skills are and then define the unsolved problem. Include details related to who, what, where, and when. Ask; What expectation is the child having difficulty meeting? 

For more information please go to https://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork

It's worth the read.

What’s with all the angry kids?

Another great read from one of my favourite authors, Maggie Dent. 

I can only agree with Maggies discoveries working with families. I too, have noticed increased problems with anger and violence in schools. Why is that? What is happening to our children? 

I can't but help to suspect lack of physical activity, outdoor play and too much gaming and screen time has had a massive impact on our society. Be aware and have boundaries, it does make a difference.

This article was originally published at Essential Kids.

As an author and parenting educator I chat to lots of parents and teachers, and I frequently get messages of concern. In the past few years, I’ve noticed an ever-increasing theme: our kids seem to be getting angrier — especially after school.

That may be a generalisation and one that is not based on peer-reviewed data. However, how to cope with angry children is a common conversation topic on and offline for parents everywhere. In fact, my most-viewed video blog on YouTube is entitled “Angry Kids”.

Anger is also something we’re seeing in our schools, with reports in recent years of a “soaring” rise in classroom violence among 4- to 6-year-olds! This is something we normally expect during adolescence. And we are not always talking here about kids displaying anger and frustration due to trauma from abuse, deprivation or abandonment, sensory processing challenges, or psychological disorders such as ODD, ADHD and those who have ASD. So what’s going on?

Firstly, we need to acknowledge that anger is not the problem. It is a symptom of a deeper problem.

We know children do not have a well-developed pre frontal cortex, or “upstairs brain”, which we as adults (well most of us) are able to access to regulate our feelings, see situations from a wider perspective, have a degree of empathy, impulse control and the ability to delay gratification.

As we grow through childhood we grow not just in our ability to pass tests and developmental milestones, but in our emotional and social intelligence to better manage ourselves in lots of different situations.
With consistent, loving care and guidance from grown-ups we can learn ways to express our sadness, frustrations, disappointments and impatience without hurting ourselves, others or the property around us.

In today’s world thanks to the pressures of both the National Curriculum and NAPLAN it seems our young children have been reduced to sources of data and ‘brains on seats’ at school. Apparently the sooner we have them writing sentences, reading and getting busy with formalised learning, the better. I’ve heard of 4-years-olds getting homework, 7-year-olds with two hours of homework and a big increase in boys being suspended and expelled in the early years because of ‘inappropriate behaviour’. No wonder some of these kids are so angry or, rather, frustrated.

We have removed the high-quality, play based learning in much early years education and we have certainly demonised playtime in many primary schools by shortening recess and lunchtimes — in the mistaken belief this will make our kids smarter.

Herein lies a big part of the problem.

Grown-ups are stealing our children’s right to play — their right to have a childhood where they have autonomy and freedom to explore, to do, climb, to dig, to make, to pretend and to build all their competences not just their academic ones.

So what can parents do about it?

Fuel the brain

Like us, if children have not had enough sleep, water and good food, they will become irritable. Get them drinking water, avoid too much sugar (especially at breakfast and in lunchboxes) — and ensure a good night’s sleep.

Prioritise play

Without lots of real play, preferably outside (not virtual), even our smartest kids can struggle with making mistakes, losing and not getting what they want! Even more children struggle with self-regulation of their states of arousal, their ability to pay attention and often they are so physically passive, their nervous system simply builds up tension that can spill over into angry outbursts!

Make sure you prioritise play in your children’s day, especially outside play — stop at the park on the way home from school, hit the beach or just hang in the yard and let them have some completely unstructured play. Yes you might have to join in!

Monitor screen use

We tend to focus a lot on how much screen time our kids are having (as well we should). Pay attention also to what your kids are watching. Some cartoons teach our children how to be mean and nasty by using name-calling, put downs and exclusions.

Be present and listen

A huge part of helping kids through anger is listening to them talk about the feelings underneath. We live in a busy, chaotic world where parents often work long hours and children have to compete with technology for their parents’ attention. Ensure you spend time with your children, so they feel secure and that you are really there for them.

Celebrate the square peg

Feeling misunderstood is a huge source of frustration. Every child is one of a kind. Treating children the same without respecting individual needs, is really disrespectful and unhelpful. I can remember being compared to my well-behaved calm, quiet sister and it sure made me mad! Square pegs are not meant to fit into round holes — we need some square holes too.

Teach and model calm

Reducing stress makes a huge difference in our children’s lives. Take the time to calm your home and show your children how to calm themselves when they feel angry.

How to help when your child does something wrong...

We've all been there.  Made a stupid mistake and been petrified of the consequences.  Who did you turn to?  Who does your child turn to?  

As children grow and develop they need to develop their own moral code for right and wrong behaviour.  This is mainly governed by the culture and customs of your own family and the ethics and morals you live by.  But as they get older, they will be influenced by external factors.  Friends, school and the constant onslaught from media and social networks.

Throughout your child's journey, from toddler years to young adult, you have a role to play.  Especially in the pre-teen and teen years!  This is the time when your 'lighthouse' structure (blog of December 4, 2017) is so important.  

When your child has made a bad choice, your role is to support them to overcome the negative experience they've had.  Be a lighthouse for them and help them recognise:-

1. It was not an OK thing to do. They need to own their poor choice.

2. They are sorry it happened and be able to apologise to all who have been hurt.

3. Repair the wrong and make it right.  This is known as 'restitution and restoration'.

4. Forgiveness.  Help them forgive themselves and others.

5. Acknowledge the valuable learning experience.  They need to be aware of what they've learnt so they can grow from the experience.

If you can guide and support them with these pointers at every turn, they'll learn how to do this for themselves and develop integrity - grow into thoughtful and mature young adults.

Remember the best example you can give them is YOU.  Model this behaviour when you do something wrong!

Environment, climate change and families

As parents we need to teach our kids about the environment and what we can do to help earth survive.

Of course, as with everything we do, we are our kids role models and need to show what recycling is, energy saving and buy green as much as possible.

Research shows that we use way to much chemical cleaning products and that our health is affected in a negative way. It's much better to use natural cleaning products like vinegar, lemon and bicarbonate of soda. There are much more allergies and intolerances around now than ever before. Why is that?

According to studies, we have cleaned away our natural resistance which has caused our immune systems to be less effective. By using natural products we can boost this and help the environment at the same time. 

Composting and recycling is becoming more and more common but there is still too much plastic and packaging. Talk about it with the kids and make them part of the decisions. Where can you shop using containers or paper bags in your area?

Make 2018 a year of change towards less plastic, less chemicals and environmental awareness. Small changes can make a big difference!! It's our children's future.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/family/talking-to-your-kids-about-climate-change/

Core beliefs, us and our kids

I came across some good articles about core beliefs and the impact they have on all of us.

What do we want for our kids? What kind of beliefs are good or bad? How can we influence them in a positive way?

Core beliefs are assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world that we mistake for fact. They can be both positive and negative.

As a coach and therapist I know there's a reason that conversations about adult problems often involve discussions about childhood: We developed three core beliefs during childhood that affect us today.

1. Your Core Beliefs About Yourself

Your childhood gave you a sense of who you are as a person. The messages you received from your parents, siblings, teachers, and peers taught you something about yourself.

Your experiences helped you determine if you were kind, smart, socially awkward, shy or likeable. And once you gained a sense of who your are — and how others perceive you — it shaped your interactions and choices.

2. Your Core Beliefs About Others

Childhood taught you a lot about other people, too. Are people inherently good? Do they actively help others? Or do they hurt one another on purpose?

If you experienced a loving, nurturing childhood, you might have learned that it's safe to trust people, and it's good to help others. If, however, people weren't so kind, you might have learned that other people will hurt you or abuse you.

3. Your Core Beliefs About the World

Kids who grow up in caring environments with few adverse events might believe the world is a relatively safe place. They may look forward to a bright future in a peaceful world.

Kids who experience harsh and unpredictable events and those who endure chronic stress may believe that the world is a scary place, and that, no matter what you do, you'll struggle to succeed.

How we are as parents will no doubt affect our children. How it affects them is something we can influence by being aware of our actions. Awareness and knowledge is key and the more we learn and put into practice, the better off we all are. 

For further reading:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201709/3-ways-your-childhood-shaped-your-core-beliefs

http://allparenting.com/my-family/articles/971263/instill-positive-core-beliefs-in-your-child

New Year Resolutions Anyone?

Whether you like New Year's resolutions or not - the start of the year is always a good time to just take a breath and reflect.  

Parenting is not a static state - it's a constantly changing and evolving dynamic that needs you to be adaptable and somehow keep up with the kids!

As we go into the start of 2018 it's a chance to think about a few things:-

• Live in the moment.  We know for sure, that children who feel loved and cherished thrive.  Be sure to love the child you have - with all their ups and downs, challenging behaviours and experiences.  Keep celebrating every step you take together and keep moving forward.  Same applies to both you and your partner!

• Connect with those you love.  Quality time is about connection and emotion - not just teaching.  Hug your child, listen, commiserate, laugh, play, cuddle, listen some more!  Turn off your phone and get away from the computer and just be in the moment, together - connecting.

• Yes - you have to keep role modelling!  If you want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful they need to copy the right behaviour.  If you can't keep your emotions in check - they won't be able to either.  So, take a deep breath and speak to them with patience and respect and model the way you want them to speak to you.

• Your children will make mistakes - so will you.  There is no such thing as a 'perfect parent' or 'perfect children'.  But resolve this year to be a family that thrives together, to create a family that makes choices (together where appropriate) that move you all forward in the right direction.  It's hard work - but it will pay off.

• Parenting is a journey - filled with different paths and routes to choose.   Don't worry about what you can't control, choose what feels right for today and what will bring you the most joy and connection with your family.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful New Year!

Lighthouses and children, what is that about?

The expression lighthouse as far as children and parenting goes, it's there to symbolise showing the way and to be a steady, safe part of a child's life.

When a child has that person in their life, they feel loved, safe and cared for on every level.

Most parents love and care for their children but for different reasons, are unable to be the support their child really needs. Is there someone else in their surroundings that can step in? An auntie, uncle, cousin, family friend or teacher?

This is what being a lighthouse is about; support, care and love unconditionally.

In parenting there is also the phrase 'Lighthouse parenting' which was coined by  Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg in his book "Raising Kids to Thrive." 

This explains what he means by this:

According to Dr. Ginsburg, a well-known physician of adolescent medicine, professor and author, parents should be lighthouses for their children, visible from the shoreline as a stable light or beacon.

They should make sure their children don't crash against the rocks, yet allow them to ride the waves even if they get a little choppy sometimes. Lighthouses are solid symbols, always there to guide you and help you get your bearings -- and that's exactly what lighthouse parents are to their children.

There are two main principles of lighthouse parenting:

• Giving unconditional love: Loving your kids without conditions gives them the security they need to have enough confidence to get through the difficulties of life. It's important to note that unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional approval. You still need to set high standards for behaviour, which helps kids form strong character and morals. You love them but don't always love their behaviours -- it's important to differentiate between the two.
• Letting children fail: Kids won't learn life lessons, whether good or bad, if they don't get a chance to experience them firsthand. Your kids need to fall or fail -- not always win or succeed. It's part of life and helps teach resilience. It's important to note that as their "lighthouse" you should protect them against challenges that are not age-appropriate or may cause serious harm.

As with everything, we have to find the way that works for us. This is one approach and there are many more.

Find what suits you and your family and love, love, love!

The extra challenges of single parenting...

We blog about parenting issues, and we work with all parents, but yesterday at our Thriveinthework2017 event we were asked about any 'extra' advice for single parents - so here are some thoughts.

Did you know that there are currently 1.9 million single parents in the UK?  So if you feel that you are travelling this journey alone - you are actually part of a very large community experiencing the same thing.  Details of support groups and websites to access more information are below.

A few pointers to think about as you navigate this journey:-

• Find a work schedule that works for your situation.  Don't be afraid to ask for flexitime or to adjust your working schedule.  Companies are often able to accommodate this.
• Schedule and stick to 'kid-free' time.  Your choice!  Going out, seeing a movie, just reading a book - but you must allocate time for you!
• Don't stress about what you can't control.  If your partner is late to fetch your child, there is very little you can do about it.  Try to focus on what is within your power to control (ie your reaction to their lateness!)
• Make sure your children have good role models for both men and women in their lives
• Use 'count to 10' whenever you need to.  It's hard to be 'on' ALL the time. You're allowed a few minutes to pull yourself towards yourself to stay calm! 
• You're not competing against anyone - honestly.  Stop trying to 'be better' than anyone!
• Prioritise.  Remember the 80/20 rule.  80% of what is really important can be done with 20% of the things on 'your list'.
• Point out good qualities in men as a single mother, and women as a single dad.
• Praise and congratulate yourself - you are doing a hard and fantastic job.
• Multi-task eg test your child on his times-tables while cooking dinner

Above all - be kind to yourself and allow yourself down time to just enjoy your children.  The time passes so quickly....

Some useful links below

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

http://www.singleparents.org.uk/

https://www.relate.org.uk/

What is anxiety? How can I help my child?

Anxiety is something most of us have had or suffer with on a regular basis. It's scary, stressful and it can be absolutely debilitating. When you are told to 'just get on with it' or 'get a grip' or 'it will be ok', it doesn't help. Any adult who has dealt with this, knows what it's like. 

It's the same for our kids, they need to be heard and we need to acknowledge that their fear is real. What can we do do to help?

I just read this blog and think it's worth a read so here it is:

When Your Child’s Anxiety is Making You Anxious: Repeat These 22 Phrases

April 3, 2017 by Renee Jain

As parents, we have a natural tendency to reach out to our children when they are anxious, scared, or stressed. What none of us can anticipate is how our children’s anxiety will cause us to feel anxious, helpless, hopeless, angry, or desperate. The next time your child is ridden with anxiety, repeat any of these phrases. You will be surprised that your child will likely mirror your reaction.

1. This too shall pass. Like all emotions, anxiety will pass. Our bodies cannot physiologically maintain the heightened level of awareness caused by anxiety for very long. Chances are that waiting ten to fifteen minutes will result in a change in anxiety levels.

2. Anxiety serves a purpose. Oftentimes we treat anxiety like there is something wrong with our child. In fact, anxiety serves an important biological function to keep us safe. Teaching your child to differentiate between anxiety that will help and anxiety that will hinder her/him is a valuable life skill.

3. Breathe. Deep breathing actually reverses the body’s stress response. When we are anxious, we tend to take shallow breaths. Taking three conscious, deep breaths will alleviate much of our anxiety.

4. We are on the same team. Have you ever watched two basketball players going for a rebound, fighting each other tooth and nail, only to realize they are on the same team? Remember, you and your child are on the same team and have the same goals.

5. I am my child’s guide. Remind yourself that your role is not to control the challenges your child will face but rather to be her/his guide through the experiences.

6. Observe. Observe. Observe. Instead of “doing something,” simply observe what is happening like an outsider. See if there are commonalities in your observations. By identifying triggers, you can help your child cope with them, thereby limiting your own sense of helplessness.

7. The only way to get across this swift, deep river is to go through it. Allow your own feelings, even if they are dark, to arise and pass. If this experience is like a river, it means there is also a riverbank waiting for you.

8. Stick to the routine. Anxious children thrive on predictability. You may not be able to do anything about the trigger, but you can reinforce the routine. Bedtime, family rituals, and morning routines center our children, better preparing them for the outside world.

9. Meditate. At our darkest moments, hope is rekindled simply by taking the time to be still and focus on our breath for a few moments.

10. Help is available. Hopelessness usually means you have exhausted your ability to deal with your child’s anxiety. Having another set of eyes on the situation may make all the difference in the world. Whether a professional counselor, a relative, or another trusted adult, turn to those in your child’s circle for help.

11. My child’s anxiety is not a reflection of my parenting. Stop questioning whether you should or could have done something differently with your child. Focus rather on what you can do as their guide through their challenges.

12. What would make my child laugh right now? Whether it’s a funny noise, a silly story, or singing the wrong words to a favorite song, laughter is the fastest way to make you both feel better.

13. I’m going to take a break. It’s okay to take five minutes of quiet time or put yourself in a place to reconnect with yourself when you are feeling angry. Not only are you modeling appropriate behavior, but you also have a chance to take a few breaths and remind yourself of a few of these phrases.

14. I love you. I’m here for you. Your children will experience stress that they cannot control. They will receive an injection, perform in front of an audience, and face challenges. Reminding them that you love them and are here for them is reassuring, not just for them but for you as well.

15. In this moment, right now, what can I do to reboot my well-being? Some days it will be getting ice cream; others it will be going for a run. Whatever it is, make a long list for yourself that you can reference when you need it.

16. She/he does not know how to deal with this. Frustration over our children’s anxiety can sometimes result from forgetting that they are trying to learn how to navigate a world of unknowns. Regardless whether their fear is rational, or of how many times you have been through this, ask yourself how you can be their guide.

17. I am on a beach. There is a reason why guided imagery is used during labor and delivery to reduce pain. It works! Imagine yourself in a soothing, happy place before you speak.

18. I am the adult. Simply remind yourself that you are the adult; you have the power to remain calm and provide heart-centered advice to de-escalate an anxious situation.

19. My job is to help my child become a functioning adult. When you put it into perspective, you must teach your child how to acknowledge, reduce, and wade through anxiety if she/he is to be a functioning adult. Suddenly, when your anxious child is crying about going to school, you can approach the problem as just that—a problem to be solved.

20. I have control over my reaction. Ultimately, the only person you can control is you. Govern your feelings, control your reactions, and then help your child learn to do the same. You can teach your child the art of emotional self-regulation by modeling it.

21. Progress is never linear. Coping with anxiety is not a linear process. It takes time and practice for you and your child. Don’t assume you are at square one when you experience a setback.

22. I’m doing the best I can. In this moment, with the tools you have, you are doing the very best you can. Some days your reaction to your child’s anxiety may be cool, calm, collected, empathetic, and thoughtful—on other days, perhaps not as much. We are all a work in progress, and you are doing the best you can.

Talking about the sensitive stuff

What is the sensitive stuff we need to talk about? 

There are lots of topics we might find hard to approach with our kids. Sex, drugs, alcohol, body image and relationships are all things we need to think about how to and when to talk about in a good way.

Our kids are growing faster than ever and with this also comes staying ahead of it all by being informed, aware and not afraid to talk.

When discussing this with parents, some think it's all too soon and why should we talk to the kids about sex earlier than we did as children?

The unfortunate truth is that they will find out one way or the other and as far as I am concerned, I'd rather be the one who tells them in a way I think is appropriate. 

They will still be exposed at various times but at least, if they have heard it from us parents, they might be able to process and understand things in a better way. Also, saying no and I don't want to see or hear this, can become a possibility.

Knowledge and awareness is key to all of us and the sooner we dare to tackle these topics with our kids, the stronger they become in handling the situation.

There is a lot of information available so go on, become an informed and aware parent!!

A good article here: http://seacoast.citymomsblog.com/child-safety/4-safety-talks-every-age-lets-talk-sex-drugs-guns-strangers/

Also, check out our workshops on various topics www.familyfocusuk.com 'Reigate workshops' that are all relevant to being an informed, prepared and aware parent! Be the best you can be!!!

Are we crippling our children?

I read a very interesting article recently that featured in Forbes Leadership about the ‘Crippling Parenting Behaviours That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders’.  Here are some of the key points.

1.    We don’t let our children experience risk

We spend our lives warning our children about danger and protecting them from possible harm.  We are so health and safety conscious that we often prevent our children from learning how to cope with pain, emotion or risk – essential adult skills.

2.    We rescue too quickly

Life skills that we had to learn 30 years ago are now just a touch of a button away and many children are not learning how to basic problem solve.  Don’t keep rescuing them or parenting for the short-term; think about your long term goals to equip your children with adult skills.  So, the next time your child leave his sports bag at home, don’t rush it up to school, let them problem solve their way out of the problem.

 3.    Don’t over-praise

Praise is great – but it must have value.  If you ‘rave’ about each and everything your child does, your praise will soon lose its value and not mean as much. Especially if it’s always about ‘trophy’s and success’.  They will also start to notice that only mum and dad are singing my praises and this could affect their self-esteem and they become ‘conditioned’ to expect continuous praise.  Use praise wisely and carefully and not always in connection with outcomes – something praise behaviour and kindness and manners too!

 4.    Guilt is not a good leader

Your child doesn’t have to love you every single minute.  Saying ‘no’ or ‘not now’ and teaching them delayed gratification are essential skills.   Don’t use material rewards continuously and it is OK for one child to receive something over another – that happens in life too!

Some final tips:-

1.         Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.

2.         Discuss the consequences if they don’t achieve certain goals

3.         Get them to do projects that require patience, so they learn to delay gratification.

4.         Teach them that life is about choices and trade-offs; they can’t do everything.

5.         Celebrate all the progress they make on their childhood journey

Scaredy cat?

To get scared at times is normal and needs to be acknowledge. In fact, to acknowledge fear is even more important as that is an indicator that tells us to watch out. Flight or fight? Our kids need to learn to listen to their instincts and act accordingly.

When children get scared they learn to understand risk, evaluate threat and manage emotions. By helping them to understand what fears are, we can help to them to prepare to handle situations that might come their way.

Here are some tips:

1. Explain that fear is a normal part of being a person.  Tell kids that all adults (including their mum and dad) get scared sometimes.  Explain what happens in the body when you get scared – the heart beats fast, the breathing increases and the hands might shake a bit.   

2. Remember that children get scared of all kinds of things that as adults we don’t usually fear. Most of these fears will disappear by themselves.  Generally, fears do not signal any “deeper issue”.

3. When children tell you they are afraid of something, try not to respond with “that’s silly, everything is fine” or “there’s nothing to be afraid of”.  Although we mean this to be reassuring, these statements can send a message that children should NOT experience fear and there is something bad about feeling like this. 

4. Instead, at least on some occasions, ask children more about how they feel.  Ask specific questions like: what makes them scared and what they wish they could change.  Then tell them that you are sorry they feel worried and that you love them and will be there for them.  This doesn’t need to be a drawn out conversation but simply take one or two minutes to talk with them. Sometimes you won’t have time or the energy for this and that is okay too.  

5. Some childhood fears can be dealt with by accommodating the child’s wishes.  For example, it is fine for children to have a nightlight for as long as they want one, for them to come home after playing at a friends’ house rather than sleeping over, for them to not have to pet dogs, to not have to go to the circus or watch television shows they find disturbing. Children should not “have to learn” to be brave with issues that can be easily avoided.  They will have to learn to deal with many unavoidable fears soon enough, it is quite acceptable for them to be spared some of their fears.

6. However, certain fears do interfere with life and are less easily avoided.  For example, sometimes fears of school, being with other children, not doing things perfectly, parents being hurt and so on start to stop children from being involved in important parts of life (eg, school, socialising, and play). For these fears, try to help children learn “brave behaviour”.  Think about the kinds of things you want your child to do in those situations, break these actions into steps and teach these skills in the same way you teach children to use a knife and fork.  Ask children to act brave just a little at a time, be patient, and reward each step they make.   The key is to focus on encouraging confident behaviour (eg, being at a friend’s house for increasing amounts of time) and not focus on feelings (eg, how anxious the child feels).  The child needs to learn that they can “be” brave, even when they are not “feeling” brave.

7. We often fear what we don’t understand and so much is new to children. It can often help to give children some sense of understanding and “control” over things they fear. When children appear afraid, acknowledge the feeling but then help them explore the source of their fear with your support. For example, if your child is startled by loud noises, say “it looks like that noise frightened you; let’s go together to see what it is”. Invite children to come closer to look with you when they are ready and help them experiment with the thing they fear with your support to help them feel braver (eg, turn on and off the vacuum cleaner, turn the volume up and down, press the noisy toy to see what it does). 

8. We need to be careful that we do not accidentally reward or reinforce “scared” behaviour in children.  If we always pay a great deal of attention to a child who is talking in a frightened voice, if we seem anxious ourselves about a child being scared, then we send two subconscious messages to this child: (1) “I am particularly interested in you when you are worried.” (2) “Being worried is wrong and we must change this”. These messages are not helpful.  This does not mean ignoring a child’s fears, but it does mean making sure it is not the only time children get our full attention.

9. It is important to help children think through their fears rather than always reassuring them ourselves.  If a child can come up with a reassuring statement on their own, they are more likely to believe it than if they have just heard it from a parent.  To help children come up with their own reassuring statements, ask them questions like:  hmm, IF that did happen, how would you handle it?  Do you think that is likely to happen or not very likely to happen?  Do you think that there is some other way of thinking about that? and so on.  

10. Remember that helping kids deal with fear (and other emotions) is a life long quest.  Try to be patient.

Good luck!!

Show your child what being a good human being is about!!

The more I read about research and how our brains work, the more I understand why we behave the way we do. All of us have learnt from a very young age about kindness, manners, courage, caring, generosity as well as lots of other traits. 

The responsibility we have as parents is really a lot bigger than we might appreciate at first.

I think most of us have experienced moments when a child does or says something that really throws you; 'where on earth did he/she learn that??'. Then someone, kindly, points out, 'that's exactly what you do!!' Ooops, didn't realise he/she picked it up so quickly...

Most of us do things that we are not necessarily aware of. Swear under our breath, comment on people that might be serving us, comment on photos 'Gosh she looks fat there', derogatory things about race, sexuality or place in society. Or that annoying driver who shouldn't be on the road etc. 

If we can start to be more self aware of the language, looks and behaviour we use, particularly in front of the kids, its a great step in the right direction. Being our children's role model is a big thing!! Think about what we want for them. How do we want them to treat others? See other people? Feel about themselves and their place in society? Drink and drugs? What is it to love?

Everything we want for them, we should want for ourselves. We need to show them the way.

Become an aware parent for your children's sake!

More reading here: https://www.mother.ly/child/my-simple-answer-to-the-question-how-can-i-teach-my-children-to-be-kind#close

Courage and kids

What does being brave and courageous mean? Why is it important for kids to be courageous?

A bold child is more likely to withstand negative peer pressure, say no to temptations that run counter to your family’s values and fight the good fight. Courage also has surprise benefits: It boosts kids’ resilience, confidence and willpower as well as their learning, performance and school engagement.

It's the small acts like standing up for a friend, inviting someone over or climbing that tree higher than before that will teach our kids courage. If we take over and do it for them or stop them, how will they learn?

Stepping into the unknown by doing something you are nervous about will show your kids that it can be done and even if it fails, it shows you survive and move on.

Positive self talk is an important part, think ' I can do this' or 'I am brave' whilst doing it or before also helps. Show them how and why this helps.

As Matt Damon, in the film 'We bought a zoo' , told his teenage son who was scared to ask this special girl out; “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you that something great will come of it.”

Our kids might need a bit of a push to do this at times but what they learn and how they grow in confidence by doing it makes it all worth while!

How do boys learn to make good choices?

A lot is written about teenage boys and their behaviours, particularly in groups. Egging each other on and not thinking about consequences or that they might actually be hurting someone else. So if you’re the parent of a boy, you need to know that boys’ biology and social conditioning put them squarely at risk of doing some seriously stupid things, particularly during their teenage years.

The human brain does not reach maturity until the early 20s. The last parts of the brain to mature are links between the prefrontal cortex, which assists in judgement and problem-solving, and the limbic system, which handles emotion and self-regulation. In other words, teenage brains are not wired for optimal decision-making or response to crisis.

So what can be done to help our boys to make good choices? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Teach them about empathy. You can build empathy in your sons by modeling empathy for them. Help others. Express understanding and give others the benefit of doubt. Talk about and name feelings; boys are under so much pressure societally to suppress their emotions. Make sure your boys know that your No. 1 goal for them to is become decent human beings.

2. Value your son, not his accomplishments. When you go on and on to others about your son’s grades, athletic accolades or starring roles, your child gets the message that his accomplishments are what you value about him. Of course it’s OK to be proud of your son and to share your pride in what he’s accomplished. The challenge is to balance that with acknowledgement of his value as a human being, separate from anything he’s done. Your son needs to know that he’s loved unconditionally. So hug him. Say “I love you.” Show an interest in his interests, and make time to have fun with him.

3. Acknowledge good choices. Most boys and girls make several mistakes each day. But while it’s natural to point these out, we need to make sure to acknowledge the good things they do as well. Praise your son when he helps someone else. (Insider tip: Mention his good deed to someone else when you know he’s listening. He’ll be thrilled!) Thank him for helping you with the shopping or gardening.

These are just a few things that we can all do but the main things is, start as early as possible! The earlier, the better. 

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-05-15/5-ways-to-help-boys-make-good-choices

12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner

Do you regularly sit down to family meals?  Research has shown that this is one of the most important tools we can use as parents to teach our children social skills, good eating habits and to develop strong communication within the family. 

Here are some great questions to ask your children at meal times:-

• What is something interesting (fun or difficult) that you did today? (Reason? Develop relationship and create value)
• What’s on your mind today? (Reason? To make them feel understood)
• Who did you sit with at lunch today? (Reason? Open ended question to promote conversation)
• Can I tell you about something (crazy) that happened to me today? (Reason? Teach them to think beyond themselves and develop empathy)
• What are you grateful for today? (Reason? Talk about values, ideas and principles)
• Do you feel full? (Reason? Teaching younger kids to tune in to their bodies.  eg:  is your tummy hungry or happy?)
• What made you laugh recently? (Reason? Help children understand and manage emotion)
• Do you have any questions from school or what you heard in the news? (Reason? Check in with any anxiety, fears or misconceptions.  Be aware of their interpretation of their world)
• What do you want to do tomorrow?  (Reason? Keep tabs on their interests and passions.  Can also be used for upcoming holiday plans/family conferences)
• How are your friends/classmates doing? (Reason? Tap in to social environment & connections and their coping skills)
• What did you talk about in … (name a class eg English) today? (Reason? Being specific and interested builds trust and your connection with your child.  Can also ask:  what did you talk about / do over lunch?)
• What was your best success today?  (Reason? High points/low points gives you insight into your child’s life and emotions)

Let's talk sex!

Our children are growing up fast and unfortunately, a lot are exposed to sex and pornography earlier than we think. What can we do as parents to help them with this? As we know things can't be unseen. Communicating about our bodies functions, and what our genitals are there for is a good start. Explain that our private parts are just that; private.

If someone is showing nude pictures, especially if it makes them uncomfortable; go and tell an adult. From the age of 7-8, use the word pornography and explain if they come across it to close their eyes! Explain why this is a good idea. Also, talk to your children's friends parents about your boundaries and what you think is suitable for your child. We might think most of us are on the same page but that is not always the case.

Talk about respect of each other and values like it's OK for girls to be valued as strong, clever and capable as well as boys to be gentle, caring and sensitive.

This is a great start. There is a lot of information out there how to talk about these things. Please do! 

Here is a link to a good, informative article: https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/age-by-age-guide-to-talking-to-kids-about-sex/

Keep talking!!

Don’t let these words hurt either !

2 weeks ago we spoke about how to change the way we ‘blame’’ ‘gaslight’ and ‘guilt’ our kids.

Here are some more tips to change how and what we say!

1) Threats. “If you don’t stop crying right now I will give you something to cry about.” 

Remember this one ???  Many of us heard this phrase far too often in our own childhoods.  Keep in mind that crying is a behaviour and is the result of a feeling – and feelings can’t be turned off like a tap!    Often demanding that your child 'shut off their feelings' will create panic in that child.  Rather ask ‘why is their crying making me feel so anxious?’  Are your feelings actually the problem here? 

Instead try: “I can see that you are feeling really upset – I am here with you…” and then try and find out what is causing the feelings.

2) Shame. “Ugh. What now?!”

Demands…demands…demands!  Many of us feel overwhelmed with demands on us all day.  So when your toddler starts on ‘more demands’ – it’s very hard to not get frustrated and say …’what now ?!?”  Most of the time this is a statement from a young child who is learning and exploring their world.  They ‘call’ you continually as you are their anchor. Without your acknowledgement of their existence, they don’t feel like they exist!  Try and pre-empt their calling you by ‘naming’ it and ‘anticipating it’ so the need to call out for you reduces.

Instead try: “You have a lot to say today – it’s amazing how much you are learning!’  or ‘I can see you on the swing – you are going really high’.

3) Autocratic. “Don’t tell me no!”

A lot of parents get really worked up when their toddler yells ‘no’ to them.  Although we need to teach ‘how’ to say no properly and when – it is actually a word that all toddlers must learn and use because it teaches them personal autonomy and how to establish boundaries. These are essential skills and really necessary when they are teenagers and adults!  So the next time your child screams ‘no’ when you ask them to get into their car seat…stay firm about the rules, but allow them to feel that their voice has been heard.

Instead try: “I hear that you don’t want to get in the car right now, but we have to go pick up your brother so you are going to get into your seat, but would you like to bring a book with you?”

Don’t let your words hurt!

Following up on our 'Words Hurt!' blog... 

It is so important to think before we speak and remember - children hear everything!  What we say often stays with them and becomes their ‘inner voice’ that they use to help them in situations or make decisions.  So, make sure that they hear the voice you really want them to hear. 

How often do you hear yourself saying these phrases (be honest!)?

And some tips on what you could say instead….

1) Blame. “You are driving me crazy.” 

When you say this, it is normally you that is feeling stressed or overwhelmed and your child’s behaviour is just a trigger.  Remember:  it is never their ‘fault’.  They are not purposefully trying to drive you crazy. It is the situation that is crazy and parenting and life is tough!

Instead try: “I am really finding this situation/your behaviour difficult right now.  I think we both need to take 5…”  (and then take a break!)

 2) Gaslighting. “Oh, you’re fine. Look at everyone else having fun. Why can’t you go have fun?”

Gaslighting is a psychological term that is used when someone is manipulated into doubting themselves.  It’s quite common that we, as parents, react to a child in this way – by insisting that they are fine when they are clearly not feeling fine at all.  This type of comment can make a child very confused.  One part of them is feeling one way, but they are getting a message from someone they trust that ‘nothing is wrong’.  This will lead to them having trust issues in the future and becoming quite a vulnerable adult.

Instead try: “I saw that you hit your head.  It must be sore but you aren’t hurt - so you are safe to carry on…”

 3) Guilt. “See what you are doing? Now you’re getting your sister upset.” 

We are all ‘guilty’ of using the guilt trip on someone – but we need to be really careful with this one.  Using guilt to change feelings doesn’t solve the problem and only makes the child self-conscious about their feelings.  It can also make them hide their feelings in the future so as not to ‘upset’ you or anyone else.  But emotions can’t stay hidden forever and they will eventually come out and often in even more aggressive or disruptive ways in the future.

Instead try: “I see that you are frustrated and that your sister is frustrated too. Let’s try and work through this together…”

More tips in 2 weeks’ time…..